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Monday, 17 September 2012

Camilla's Web

Okay, so this is a follow on from last week's post "Obese by Choice?".
That post was thrilling to write and certainly brought out a lot of raw emotion. Not just in me, but in a lot of you as well.
Since then I've done a lot of thinking on the topic. I don't think I quite covered the entire message I wanted to portray.
I still stand by my statement that I didn't choose to become obese. It was a by-product from events and actions that occurred in my life, and although different people may have handled the situations differently, this is my story and my journey and I think that sometimes we don’t have the full control of life that we'd like.
Here's where put it all on the line.
I didn't choose to become obese but it was my choice to remain obese.
Up until the middle of last year, I was obese and wanted to remain obese. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was a subconscious decision to protect me from failed relationships. I have always had a good job, great friends and a pretty good life in general. The one part missing from my life was that special someone.
I've been on a lot of blind dates, internet dating dates and so forth. I've met some very interesting characters and if there was no such thing as defamation of character I could write several blog posts just on that. Whenever one of the dates failed, or if the dates progressed further and then the relationship failed, I always had my weight as my 'backup excuse'. It was never really my fault. I never took ownership of anything. I never assumed it was the other person's fault. The fact it takes two to tango didn't even enter into my negative justifications.
Being obese also meant that I had an excuse not to do things. I didn't need to eat healthy because I was already a lost cause. I would go through drive-throughs and order family meals justifying to the girl taking my money that my family was at home. Family? Seriously? I couldn't manage to hold a relationship together but I had a 'family to feed'? A family of negative thoughts perhaps. The more I lied, the easier it became. I then started lying to those around me. If someone invited me out, I would always say that I had prior engagements that couldn't be broken. I used to make up elaborate stories about my social life.
In effect I'd created 'Camilla's Web'.
Nobody got offended when I declined their invitations to sit at home and gorge myself on whatever money could buy me. Nobody ever knew the real reason I declined and nobody ever suspected a thing.
Then last year I decided to go talk to someone. I was matched up with a psychologist (I think - I never know the difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist) - I booked 6 appointments with her. I only ever had 3. At the time I felt it was a complete waste of time. I was sitting talking to someone, who if anything, was extremely underweight. The person had no idea what I'd been through and quite frankly I used to feel like I'd gotten nothing out of our visits. I stopped going.
The only thing she had managed to point out to me was that the more I wove my web, the more intricate it would become and the harder it would be for me to become my true self. What a load of babble! What did she know! Those pieces of paper on the wall mean nothing! I didn't want anyone to come in to my life that much! I just wanted a partner who would be interested in setting up a property empire so I could quit work and start my own nursery and grow plants. I didn't really want them to know me, what would be the point? I was fat, frumpy and quite frankly didn't care.
So I kept ordering 2 pizzas for "the family" and icecream was never bought in amounts less than several litres. A new chocolate was never on the market for more than a day or two without me trying it, and not just trying one, but several. In hindsight, I'm amazed at how much I could consume without feeling sick. I could eat enough to feed a family of four every day without blinking an eyelid.
So what changed? I've tried to figure this out many times. Towards the end of last year the penny dropped. It all made sense. I don't know how and I don't know why but it did. So I started shifting my mindset, I wanted to become a better person and I did. I am.
You can't undo your past actions. You can change your future. You have a choice. It's a very daunting choice and it's nearly always easier to just keep doing what you're doing for fear of the unknown.
My journey hasn't been easy, it's been a lot of hard work, a lot of sweat and a lot of tears but the rewards are worth it. You are worth it. Stop procrastinating. Stop delaying your dreams. If you're reading this blog it's because you're interested in change. Stop holding yourself back. You can do this.

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