Camilla's Journey Tracker

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Sunday, 1 December 2013

Delays....

So you're still sitting and staring at a blank screen? Me too.
I thought my new blog would be up and running by now but it's not. I guess I should have planned for teething problems. This us so new to me and the people I'm liaising with I barely know.
Rest assured though that my page will continue under a new name and a new look. There might even be some new goodies attached. Stay tuned and watch this space.... Oh and if you're a blog/web designer, please drop me a line :)

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Confessions of this Diet Queen


 
I’m a diet queen. I have been on Jenny Craig, attempted counting WW points, lost a lot on 12WBT, I’ve applied to be a contestant on TBL, I’ve tried the Dukan diet, the Soho diet, the Soup diet, the Cabbage diet, the laxative diet. Yep, I’ve been on this journey for quite some time, striving for that elusive goal of happiness.

Did anyone else pick up on it?

I have been dieting to become happy. Do you see a problem with this? Since when does weight make you ‘happy’. I know plenty of ‘larger than life’ people who are very positive, and very happy and on the other end of the scale, I also know some slim, very negative people who exist to bring others down.

Weight doesn’t define happiness. It never has, it never will.

 For some of you, this revelation is not new. You’ve known this all along. As someone who struggles with having fat and being unhealthy, this is a new concept to me.

Each time I go through a ‘phase’ which is all it has been up until now, I’ve had my typical light bulb moment, where something has twigged inside and spurred me on. I generally put weight back on, but usually not to my starting weight.

This time, I think a rather large lightbulb has just come on.
 
Losing weight alone will not make me happy.

I am in charge of my happiness. I need to become happy with who I am, accept myself faults and all. Although I’m not 100% there, I now understand the concept. Understanding the concept has been a major step in regaining my ‘mojo’. As you would know from previous posts, my ‘mojo’ went MIA some time back and I’ve been trying to find it ever since. Well, it’s back.

My trainer at bootcamp gave a really inspirational little speech on Monday that rang very true for me – this was the second piece that really kicked me into gear. Tash mentioned that even though we were all getting fitter and better with our technique, we shouldn’t get lazy and let our workouts become easy. If you get better at something, you can still push yourself 110%. You should push yourself so that you feel like you did the very first week of bootcamp. I was one of those ‘lazy’ people who was still working at 90% because I thought it was that I was getting fitter – not that I’d found my comfort level. So since then I’ve been upping the ante and pushing really hard and I’m feeling it. I’ve had a drastic change in body shape this week, I’m very exhausted, my appetite is down but I’m feeling fantastic (well, if you ignore the being tired part).

On Saturday we have our 4 week weigh in and body fat percentage assessment and for once, I can’t wait. I am certain I’ll be happy with the results because I couldn’t train any harder than what I’ve done. I couldn’t have eaten any cleaner than what I’ve done. This is my week, and I own it.

Stay tuned on Saturday to find out how I went.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Binge


Binge n.  A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink


 I am a binge eater. I have been a binge eater for as long as I can remember. I binge eat when things don’t go well. I binge eat when I am upset. I am an emotional binge eater.

Before I started this journey to a healthier me, my binging used to involve intricate excuses and stories, like buying family size meals and lying to the cashier and saying that I had visitors at home. Having little to no emotional or psychological support, I often turned to food for comfort. In fact, if you asked around at most places that sold food, they would tell you that I had a husband and around four kids. That’s how much food I used to buy. I’d then sit and gorge myself on it, with no self control or self respect, and the minute it was all gone I’d get an attack of the guilts.

That was how I used to binge.

Yes, I still binge at times. I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be. I still have the same weaknesses and unfortunately I still tend to use food as a crutch in extreme circumstances. On Sunday I binged. My binge this time didn’t include fast food, or sugary lollies, but it was a binge all the same. It’s like I lost control as I hoovered 10 rice cruskits with some delicious Lurpak Lightly Salted butter. I don’t even know why I reached for that out of all things available to me. I was tired and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast due to a midday nap and my head telling me I could ‘hold out’ until dinner. My binge occurred whilst dinner was on the stove. I was so disappointed. In fact I’m still disappointed in myself.

I spoke to my trainer who put things into perspective for me. Falling off the wagon and having a binge is not failure, how you react to it is what should concern you. If you get right back up and continue to eat healthy and exercise well, then you have the right mindset and you will be fine. I pointed out that my binge was at worst around 700 calories – she said not to worry about the calories, but the fact that I binged on processed foods. Next time, I would be better off having a protein shake or fruit if I felt like that. All of a sudden it felt like a little burden was lifted. I was human and that was okay. Since then I have eaten 100% and I have done 3 x 45-50 min bootcamp sessions since and another scheduled for this afternoon. My fitness is improving and I’m once again pushing myself to my limits.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Griffin PT 8 Week Challenge


Okay, so you’ve probably gathered by posts that I’m a bit over 12WBT. Yes, the program works, but since I’ve lost my mojo, I just haven’t been able to get it back. Frustrating much? Oh yes!

So my local PT who I’ve been doing bootcamp with, Tash from Griffin PT, is running an 8 Week Challenge. I figured I may as well give it a go, seeing as since I’ve been back from Fiji I’ve had the flu and eaten crap and put on a tonne. So I signed up not quite knowing what to expect.

Griffin PT has partnered with 7 Day Raw Detox to construct our mealplan. This means Week 1 consists of a 7 Day Raw Detox. I’ve never really done a detox, but how hard can it be? There’s a set plan that includes a lot of liquid, a lot of raw veggies, a few pieces of fruit, no meat, no coffee, no preservatives and nothing artificial. Sounds like it’d be good for my health, so I jumped in.

I had my first assessment with Tash and was nearly in tears after realising I’d put on a heap of weight since pre-Fiji – an unbelievable amount. It’s so bad I don’t even want to confess to you guys yet how much it is, but I’m sure I will in time. Tash is one of those genuine and rare people who have faith in me. There’s not a lot of those left around. So I left Tash’s place excited and nervous all at once.

I went shopping for my first week’s worth of groceries and oh my goodness there was a lot. I thought for sure I’d never get through it. I even bought the PharmaGreens (blech!!) and Raw Protein (not my fave either) to ensure I stuck to the program 100%.

Each day and night I had my raw foods, at first it wasn’t too bad. I quite enjoyed my breakkie smoothie and my salads were okay, but towards the end of the week I was over it. I didn’t want to see another sundried tomato. All I wanted was a hot meal – I didn’t really care what.

In the middle of all of this, whilst pushing my heart out at bootcamp, I managed to trip and have a minor fall. My ankle hurt a little, but the pain subsided and I kept going. By the time I’d showered and headed to work it was starting to ache. I went to get up to go and buy an ankle support when I realised I couldn’t put any weight on it. I was in agony.

Lucky for me, a colleague was nice enough to go and get her car and then drive me up to mine. I headed home and started the painful act of icing it for 20 mins and then resting it for 20 mins.

To cut a long story shorter, after ultrasounds and xrays it turns out I’ve just strained it. All the same, it hurt like hell, and there was no swelling. I’m back at bootcamp now, but there’s only limited running for me for the next week or so. Keep your fingers crossed!

Let’s fast forward to Saturday. Saturday is our weekly weigh in – I got there nice and early knowing I wouldn’t be working out to get weighed in. Well week 1 of raw detox was a marvellous success. I lost 5.4kg in one week and was feeling fantastic! I think my mojo is back and I can’t wait to complete this 8 week session block and see how I go. Hoping to be back in double figures easily before Christmas. Watch this space for now and see how I do.

Monday, 12 August 2013

Fiji


Yep. I did it again. I know I promised I wouldn’t. There are no excuses. Well, there are. I’ll go through it all in good time though.

 
First things first. Fiji.

 
I’ve now been and gone, and I loved it. We had an absolutely fantastic time enjoying everything from jet boat riding to shopping and we even experienced a 9 Course Degustation Menu.

 
We stayed at Sonaisali Island Resort and I guess I should have researched a bit more. Although the Fijians are friendly, this resort is owned by Aussies and you could tell. When we turned up to check in, our room had been booked out to someone else and wasn’t ready for us, with a delay of at least 90 minutes. This is not a good start after a midnight flight with little to no sleep. Breakfast was complimentary so that made our wait a little more comfortable. The burres are roomy with great views of the beach and water. I do need to note the beach is not white. The beach is more grey coloured with mud coloured water. This is due to no reefs being nearby to clean it up. Also, cleanliness isn’t high on the list. Dirty glasses can take up to a week to be replaced and/or removed and we frequently saw cockroaches. I expect this in a burre seeing as it’s pretty open, but I wasn’t expecting geckos on steroids. All in all, we enjoyed our time but will not be revisiting this resort. Trying to book our prepaid activities in was hard as they were ‘never’ available and any resort based activities were expensive for what they were. Oh and don’t forget that unless it’s a specified meal time you can’t buy snacks unless chocolate and chips are your thing. Couldn’t buy fresh fruit or even a sandwich to snack on if our tour came back a little late.
 

Apart from that Fiji was beautiful. We explored the Garden of the Sleeping Giant and the orchids on show were magnificent. We also accompanied a tour on the Sigatoka Jet Boat Safari to a village and this was fantastic. I would highly recommend it!

 
Food wise I’d have to recommend visiting Port Denaru and their little tourist area on the marina. It was fantastic and we felt comfortable enough walking around. When walking around in Nadi (pronounced Nandi) town, we were constantly being approached by people asking if we were tourists and trying to get us to buy things from them.

 
Overall we found Fiji to be relatively cheap. As long as we were away from the resort, the food and clothing was a lot cheaper than Australia. On the resort it was about the same price, if not slightly more expensive. It definitely pays to have a look around.

 
I tried to eat relatively healthy but it’s not easy in a country where the main source of cooking at the resort was in oil. I was glad to return home with no weight gain (and no loss either).

 Here are some of the photos from our trip:

Selfie @ Sunset



 

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

I'm Back but Sick

Well I'm back in Australia but suffering man flu. I'm going to cut back to posting twice a week as of tgis weekend to get back in a routine.  Till then, stay healthy everyone
If anyone has any tips please share

Friday, 28 June 2013

Chapter Friday

So it’s Friday. My promise of regular blogging has gone to the wayside. My promise to heal myself has been somewhat slowed. With changing medication and still struggling with my sleep, my brain and body has been nothing but a jumbled mess.

I can finally start to see improvements during bootcamp. I can now jog like the others, I only need to improve my speed (well for bootcamp anyway – I’d love to be able to endure 21km non stop too).

My eating hasn’t been totally by the wayside, I’m generally pretty good up until about dinner time most days. I definitely wouldn’t be exceeding about 1800 calories a day, but that’s still 600 calories more than the recommended amount to lose weight.

So what other bring things have happened? Apart from the State of Origin, I also had a change on Wednesday night. I finally made time to get my hair cut and coloured by a very wonderful hairdresser. You can see my results below. We’ve gone with some burgundy, copper, chocolate and blonde streaks as well as emphasising the layers more and re-trimming my fringe.

Tomorrow I add to the beautifying process by heading to the beautician. A truly luxurious pamper moment.

Other than that you haven’t missed much. It’s doing the final preparation before the impending Fiji trip to ensure I’m completely organised and on top of things. Sorting out all my interior plants to ensure they survive and mulching the rose garden to keep them comfy.

What do you think of my new hairdo??





Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Go Maroons!!

I’ve been pretty quiet on the home front due to severe lack of organisation on my behalf. Fiji is now less than a fortnight away and I haven’t started organising anything. Between that and medical appointments, I’ve been flat chat.

I will come back to you before the end of the week and let you know what I’ve been up to – this is just to ensure you all know who I’m backing tonight…


Thursday, 20 June 2013

Skirt. I’m wearing a skirt.

As a ‘larger than life’ kind of girl, I’ve always been drawn to pants, shorts, jeans, capris – pretty much anything that isn’t a dress or a skirt. I feel this is because I’m not a fan of skin rubbing together and whilst my thighs are sharing the same space, rubbing would have been inevitable.

So what made me buy a skirt in the first place? Firstly, I’ve always bought skirts and dresses. Well, moreso dresses than skirts, but they both exist in my wardrobe. I’ve been known to wear dresses from time to time if the situation calls for it but I don’t recall wearing a skirt since my first job at Roma Street where it was part of the uniform. Back then I also wasn’t carrying all this excess weight.

So during my last uniform order I thought I’d order a skirt as a goal. To be comfortable enough to wear a skirt to work. It’s been a cold week, and I honestly couldn’t be bothered washing last night (I made this decision yesterday morning) so I figured I could wear my skirt.

I spent lunch time yesterday purchasing tights that were opaque and ones with patterns, then whilst doing the groceries after work I also picked up some block coloured ones in red, blue and purple. Surely with tights I’d be able to get away with it? Normally I’m quite happy to show off my legs, but they’re currently in the same state as a rainforest – full of growth! I’ve been ‘saving’ to wax just before my trip to Fiji so nude legs was definitely not on the cards.

So this morning I got up and pulled on a pair of opaque tights. They just didn’t sit right. I felt weird, so I pulled them off and as I did I managed to snag a nail. Nice work Camilla – now you’re definitely going to be late to work. So I filed down my nails and grabbed the next pair of tights.

These were surprisingly more comfortable to wear. I’ve taken some pics to share below. What’s your goal outfit?


Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Are you the watermelon in a group of peas?

Sometimes that’s how I feel.  I know that’s not really the case and it’s a big exaggeration on the truth, but it’s the closest comparison I could think of.

I attend and participate in 45 gruelling minutes of bootcamp three times a week at 5am. To date I have always been the least fit person attending, but from what I can tell, I’ve also been the most consistent.

I’m very competitive. I don’t like coming last. It took many sessions for me to realise that I’m not ‘coming last’ although sometimes I still slide back in to that mentality. My journey is mine. There is no need to compare it to those who are fitter than me.

I attend each session and I put in more in each session than I did in the previous one. By the time I get home I feel nauseate, exhausted and I know I’ve worked my hardest. Today I realised that I am actually improving.

I can jog the entire block now instead of having to walk most of it. Although I still fall behind, I am nowhere near as far behind as I used to be. I can feel my strength and my agility and speed and endurance improving. This is a fantastic feeling.

I can also start to feel my clothes getting loose again. For so long I considered myself the slowest or fattest – from now on I will be the most consistent in attendance. I will win, I will win my own battle.

Make your battle your own and don’t compare your journey with others unless they are your clone.

Cheers for now xx






Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Breakdown anyone?

So my visit with my therapist shed some light on a very important topic on Friday. Breakdown.

As you’re all aware by now I’m pretty involved with everything in my life. I have two jobs, I go to the gym and to bootcamp, I am currently studying for a diploma as well as foundation exams and I’ve just applied for uni, I help out friends, I have a 2 acre mini property to care for and I have a relationship to nurture, oh and I review books for the local paper. To date I’ve always been a firm believer that I was in control. I could handle it. It was no problem.

Whenever someone asked me to do something, my immediate response was always ‘ofcourse I will’ – before the question had even registered in my head. Scary, hey?

Well Friday we discussed many things but one of them was fatigue and my newly found ability to want (need) to sleep at least ten hours a night. I don’t have time for ten hours a night just for sleep. What about my jobs, my studies etc.? When would they get the time they need?

Apparently my juggling act was a lot easier for my body to cope with in my twenties. Now that I’m ‘maturing’ my body doesn’t like to be pushed to the max so much.

So what do I need to do? I need to prioritise everything in my life and re-balance it. I have started this by reducing the hours I work in Job #2. I have delayed starting my official course at uni till next year and will be spreading the STEPs program over two terms. I will still focus on exercise but perhaps only 2 gym sessions on top of my bootcamp sessions. I am also going to stop setting my Saturday morning alarm to allow my body to sleep for as long as it needs.

I am going to be even more careful with my nutrition to ensure there are no deficiencies and so that my body can heal itself. Your body is a wonderful machine and with the right fuel it can do just about anything. I have faith that I will heal and that all it will take is time. I’m glad I’ve realised this now, instead of after the fact.

So without a bathtub to soak in, I need to go through and work out what relaxes me and how I can schedule that in. I’ve committed to spend more time reading and in my garden and I feel that’s going to have a huge impact.

I’ll keep you posted, but in the meantime, if you have any fantabulous suggestions, please comment and let me know – I’d love to hear how you relax and unwind.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends


Monday, 17 June 2013

Envisage your vision you visionary!

I was unwell Friday and spent the majority of the day in bed so I didn’t write a blog post. I didn’t think anyone would really want to read a blog that went something like” blech, ugh, uh tired, sleepy” and so forth, so I held off until today. I did buy myself a little 'get well' present:
It's the 'Live with No Excuses' sign

Saturday was my ‘Create a Kick Ass Vision Board’ with Connection Coaching session in Yeppon. After getting slightly lost, I found a room full of smiles and a lot of magazines and some white cardboard. This was the room to get the creative juices flowing. There was mood calming music, coffee and tea for everyone and most of all inspiration. I became so focussed on the task at hand that I barely noticed anything or anyone else for the entire session. I tried to keep to a board that would provide a vision of my short term (1-3 years) goals. With a table of Good Health and Women’s Fitness magazines it wasn’t hard to find the pictures and words I needed to motivate me. I have included pics of my vision board below:
  
My inspiration board
Sunday was pretty cruisey – just a standard Sunday at work. Good news is that my request to drop from 17 to 10 hours per week to commence post-Fiji has been approved! Yay! More “me time”!!

Oh and then to take away some of that “me time” I also found out today that I’ve been approved to participate in the CQU Steps program from workforce to uni. I can’t wait till I’m able to commence a ‘real’ course next year! Yay! So that’s me signing out!

PS I did have a breakthrough with my new therapist, but I’m not sure I’m ready to share that yet. When I am, this will be the first place I spill xx

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Sleep.

It’s a short five letter word that can have so much effect on our lives.

When we’re first welcomed into this world we sleep most of the day, then we go through the cycle of very little sleep, then as a teen we act like a baby again.

I’m very fortunate. I am normally able to sleep anywhere, anytime without any great difficulty. I was able to until the beginning of this year. This year has been the year of troubled sleep for me.

I’ve either not been falling asleep at a reasonable hour, or it’s been the opposite, where I’ve gone to bed in a timely manner, but woken up tired. I’ve been through a turmoil for the first half of this year, as you all know but now it’s getting beyond a joke. This is frustrating the hell out of me.

Yesterday I was so tired after getting up and heading to work, that I ended up having to pull over on the way to work for a ten minute powernap – in the morning!! This never used to be me. I used to be able to cope on very minimal sleep. Now it seems I can barely cope at all.

I’m a control nut. I control nearly every aspect of my life and I do it well. My weight has never been on that list and now I can add my sleep to it. It’s driving me insane. As I’m on medication, I’m not sure what I can take for the sleeping, if anything. All I know is that warm milk doesn’t help, and the smell of lavender is not soothing to me.

So this is the reason I didn’t write yesterday and it’s the reason that today’s post is short and sweet. I’m tired. I’m beyond tired – I’m fatigued. If anyone has any tips, send them through, either by comment on here or email camillas12wbt@tpg.com.au – Thanks again!

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Coffee Quotas and Matchsticks

Today is filled with mixed emotion. I am gracious and excited by the long weekend (4 day with 1 day work in the middle) and then saddened by being back at work and no longer at home today.

For the first time in a very long time I had a great time at home. I spent Friday doing not much in particular but still getting things done. There was a lot of napping on the couch and flicking through magazines. I still went through with bootcamp, so I felt my good deed had been done, so I was left to wrestle with my own thoughts.

Now I’m no angel. I’ve had my little binges and I’ve had my big binges. Overall, I still stick to roughly 1200-1300 calories per day. I’d safely say that 90% of the time I hit the target. I have worked out my BMR to be sitting at 1870. This means, by just ‘existing’ I use 1870 calories per day.  Then using the Harris Benedict Formula for existing a moderately active lifestyle brings my daily calorie expenditure to 2900 roughly. This means that for me to gain weight I have to ‘binge’ on average 1600 calories a day! Now I can be completely honest and say that I do not binge daily. It doesn’t happen. I can also honestly say that when I do binge, yes, it can be up to the 1000 calorie mark but not regularly. Mostly it’s 300-500 calories above my allowance.

So scientifically, I shouldn’t be gaining weight. Scientifically I should be losing weight, although not in great huge amounts, but it should still be a loss. It has been suggested to me that I should research Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. One of the main symptoms of PCOS is unexplained weight gain. Unfortunately this means a whole new series of visits to the GP to rule this out or try to get at least one step closer to the confusion that is my body.

There was my first thought pattern that occupied my weekend. The second was sleep. Or rather, lack of sleep. For about the last week now I’ve been suffering broken sleep, not getting more than an hour or two before waking up. Unfortunately this can be a side effect of the medication so for now I just need to suck it up and get on with life. This means that I need to invest in a lot of matchsticks as I will no longer be turning to food to keep me awake and I’ve already promised myself that I will not exceed my 1 daily coffee quote whilst at work.

Now we’ve traipsed through the negatives, let’s hit the positives.

We’ve got blueberries and a custard apple tree in the ground now – I can’t wait till everything starts producing fruit – I’m going to have a field day!! Still left to go in the ground pre-Fiji is the coffee and tea plants, but they’ll go in either this weekend or next.

Last but not least I stepped outside my comfort zone. On Monday I learnt to drive a bobcat. For my very first go I was impressed. It did take some time to convince me to give it a go, but once I was in there and in charge of the controls it was amazing!! I’ve even got some proof!



Thursday, 6 June 2013

Fourteen Days and a lot of Green and White Pills

For the first time in a long time I’ve been consistent.

Today marked the fifteenth day on antidepressants. When I got up this morning and saw that my first sheet was gone and it was time for my second it made me think. I thought about how I used to feel, I thought about how I feel now and I wondered if I felt any different.

The mere fact that it took forty-five minutes to pull myself out of bed should have given me the answer. I still have sad days. I now also have angry days. I’ve had a few in the last week and for no reason at all. It’s amazing that this body that I’m enclosed is able to do so much, control so much without me consciously doing so.

This week I have also been hungry. I’m not sure if it’s boredom, or the fact I need a break, but it’s getting worse. A very wise person once said to me that antidepressants don’t hold calories to make me put on weight – how true is that! They don’t. Yet I thought of them as an excuse. The only reason for me to be eating is because I haven’t been consuming enough nutrients. There’s been junk or incomplete meals passing my lips. They’ve been momentarily satisfying, but not really nurturing my body.

The other major difference I’ve noticed is sleep. I crave a lot more of it these days. I get a lot more of it these days too. I’ve downloaded an app called SleepBot that tracks your sleep and sleep debt. I have found that this helps me immensely take a conscious step to be more aware of what my body needs. Especially now as I’m trying to heal and recuperate.

All of this was flurry-ing through my head this morning and I decided that no, I hadn’t really noticed a difference in the last fortnight. That’s okay though as the doctor had warned me to allow at least four weeks till it will start balancing out the chemical imbalances that exist within.

In another four weeks I will be flying to Fiji. It scares the hell out of me as I don’t know whether the medication will have fully kicked in by then. I get told it will, but I don’t know for certain. I’m not sure if it’s something I need to disclose or how to handle it. I’ve never had to worry about flying with medication before, this will be my first and that, to me, is strange.

So in fourteen days I took fourteen little green and white pills to help my body balance out what it can’t do itself. To date I see no change but I will persevere. I’m no quitter, I only quit the negativity in my life.

Oh and if Natasha reads this – my abs are so sore from Wednesday! I feel like I have a six pack trying to escape the protective layer of fat on my gut!

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Rocky River Run Expectations Crash Down

Firstly I must apologise. I know it feels like forever the last time I wrote, but due to circumstances outside of my control, this is my first opportunity.

Don’t worry - I’ll share everything I can remember to make up for it.

So Sunday was the famous Rocky River Run. By late Saturday afternoon my nerves were already taking over my body and then a sleepless night ahead didn’t help either. I put all that out of mind when the alarm went off Sunday morning and begrudgingly I got out of bed and into the jelly moulds and racerback that would be my ‘costume’ for the day. I say costume because it just doesn’t look quite right on me J
 


I found a park easily enough, same place as last year, I walked over to where people were congregating when my bladder decided to take control. Apparently several visits to the loo that morning weren’t enough and I needed to go again! The line up was horrific, as it always is when it comes to ladies’ toilets. I could hear the MC calling for the runners to start getting ready, I checked my watch, I still had about seven minutes to go. I managed to get through and head over to the main group before the starting pistol was fired.


I took off slow and steady, keeping the story of the turtle and hare firm in my head. As we veered round the first corner, most of the group had overtaken me and I could see it wouldn’t be long till I was last. I kept pushing and fighting, I managed to run a lot further than I first thought before I commenced on my typical ‘interval running’ which consists of jogging and then power walking and repeat.

Feeling the cool air, I felt good. Even with less preparation and training than last year I felt confident that I would beat my time. Confident that this was my race – I owned it. As I approached the fields, which were all sloppy from the recent wet weather, I asked one of the marshalls if we were half way yet. He responded that he was over half way! I was elated!!

Two marshalls later (roughly) I was advised that only then was I half way. I looked at my watch. The time wasn’t good. My heart sunk. There and then I knew that I hadn’t trained enough. I knew that I was cutting it fine with wanting to beat my time, but I kept persevering.

The most motivating part of running a long race (it’s long for me) is the encouragement from those around you. Obviously my fellow ten km racers were all gone, but the 21 km racers were on their second lap. As they ‘lapped me’ they would call out words of encouragement:
“This is a run, not a walk darl, you can do this” and I’d jog a bit further after being lifted.
“You’re doing so well, on the home stretch now” and again, I’d jog a little bit further.
“Keep up the great work, you’re doing awesome” and once again, I’d jog.
With each encouragement, I’d keep going, keep pushing. Without these words of motivation from the experienced runners, I would have been even slower than I was.

As I ran the final two hundred meters, I could hear the odd applause from the sideline and encouraging commentary. I felt spurred on. I kept pushing, I nearly sprinted the last little bit.

I’d finished. I finished the run. Had I beat my time? Sadly, no. To say I was disappointed wouldn’t even start to touch the tip of the iceberg. I felt like I’d let myself down and you, all my readers down too.

The silver lining on this cloud? I was approached by one of the 21km runners who suggested I look into the beginner’s run club that was being started by the Rocky Road Runners on Monday 10th June. Guess there’s no harm in looking around, hey?
 

Friday, 31 May 2013

The Happiness Challenge Starts Tomorrow

Camilla's Journey from the Land of Obesity: The Happiness Challenge

Just a reminder; this challenge starts tomorrow.

When Emotion Overflows

Every morning is a struggle. For some reason, my ‘get up and go’ has been MIA for the last few weeks. I didn’t think anyone had really noticed. Today I found out they had.

I know it’s my fault that I’ve been tardy. I realise that’s my problem. No, my work isn’t behind. Yes, I am still completing all my daily tasks.

So why is it so hard for me to be on time, when I was once a person who was never late?

Admittedly I’ve adjusted the alarms for my week away from Bootcamp. I’ve allowed myself to catch up on some sleep and to adjust to the new medication. That shouldn’t be making me late though. I’m definitely up early enough. Normally everything is pretty organised and ready to go. So what’s the trigger? What holds me back so much?

Emotion.

The thoughts running through my head pushing each other out of the way and fighting to be first in the line-up.  Everything flashes through my mind, everything relating to anything like weightloss, food, eating clean, families, friends – everything. It’s like a whirlwind of disjointed information. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts for only a few minutes, sometimes it’s a lot longer and unfortunately it’s these moments that have their greatest bearings on my life.

I’ve contemplated taking time out till everything balances back out, but there’s no guaranteed time frame. I can’t sit at home and do nothing whilst time just ticks on by. So here I am, confessing to the world of online jibberish.

Sunday is my 10km fun run, so wish me well – I haven’t really trained so I’m not expecting too much. Last year my time was 1 hr 21 mins – I’d love to beat it but won’t hold my breath.

Have you been through something similar? Are you going through it right now? Any tips or advise would be graciously accepted!

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Six Hundred and Seventy-Two

That’s how many hours are in four weeks. Four weeks is how long I’ve been doing boot camp for.

Last night I had my 4 week assessment. This is to see how I’m going and what has improved for me. With everything going on, I wasn’t looking forward to it, I was sure there was not going to be any major change.

I’d set myself up for failure before I’d even been there.

With my heart beating loudly, I stepped on the scales. Roughly a 2kg gain over the month – nowhere near as bad as I expected. In fact, weighing in the afternoon is unpredictable for me, it can vary dependant on my lunch, when I had my last glass of water and so forth. Only two kilograms is awesome – I can work with that. I can manage that. I can shed that. My morning weigh in shows that I’m still stagnant. No shift on the scales and this is with everything else going on. I really can’t complain with that.

My dehydration levels have dropped several percent. This is not what I wanted to hear. I am drinking 2-3L water daily and my hydration levels were only at 40%. For a healthy female, the target is at least 60%. So why wasn’t my body hydrating? I’d already started taking Enduro (even though the sugar content scares me a bit) and it wasn’t making a difference. Maybe it’s because I have limited salt in my body. I cook from scratch, I use raw ingredients wherever possible and I never add salt – had this become my undoing? I’m still trying to work out what’s going on here, so if you know anything about hydration and salts and so forth, please, please drop me a line! Oh, the chemist has me on gastrolyte twice a day too to try to improve the levels.

Okay, now on to the most exciting part….. **drumroll please**
 


I’ve lost cm!!! Yay! Yep, I know I’ve got a long way to go but…. Progress is progress as long as it’s in the right direction! This is my positive for the day and I’m grasping on to it with both hands!!

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Welcome to Struggle Town

Population, me.

I’m not sure what happened this morning. I certainly didn’t wake up at the time my alarm was set. I woke up an hour later. This put me on the course of tardiness. I was late getting everything done, including arriving at work.

Once I’d arrived, I realised I hadn’t packed my nutritional lunch, I had lunch, but no veggies to go with it, no morning tea, no afternoon tea – bugger. Then I also realised I needed to fill the fuel up this morning, goodness knows how much is left in the tank or how far it’ll get me. To say I was flustered was an understatement.

Today is Wednesday. Most of you will probably question that statement, but I know my 12wbt buddies won’t. Wednesday is the day to jump on the scales and accept your fate. The scales weren’t kind to me. They weren’t nasty either, but I had been hoping for a decline in numbers. I need to see that decline so badly to keep going. Still weigh 108kg. No gain. No loss.

I’ve been told that at least it’s not a gain, and don’t worry about it. Well I do. I do worry about it. I am obese. That’s an unhealthy weight. I have fat that I need to shed. Tonight is also my bootcamp assessment. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel stepping on the scales with little to no change. Having to explain it all again. I hope if nothing else that maybe I’ve discarded some cm, maybe my fitness has improved. Just any sign, any positive sign to spur me on.

Today is my seventh day of taking the medication. Some days I feel like it’s already improving and then days like today make me question it all. I know I have to give it at least four weeks, so that’s what I’ll do. I hope I’m over these ‘spats’ by then because they’re so exhaustive and counter-productive.

Today I’ve got 39 days till Fiji. I am scared and excited. I am scared that I will be over there at a whopping 108kg. I am scared that I won’t fit in my swimmers. I am scared that I’ll be excluded from doing things that I want to do because of my size. I am excited about exploring a new country and I’m excited about taking Fijian cooking lessons. I am excited to be staying at Sonaisali and I’m excited about the mud baths.

Outside the rain is pouring and reminding me of how much I’d rather be at home watching Hart of Dixie episodes, or painting or knitting. Anything really. Something enjoyable, something relaxing. I’d just about kill for a good coffee or a good hot chocolate right now but I’m all out. With the rain, I’m not going on an adventure across to Coles to grab some more.

Apologies for this disjointed post. I’m not quite myself today. I’m struggling with every concept of me, every angle.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Happiness Challenge

As the days are counting down and I get closer and closer to my island getaway, I find myself more and more worried about how my depression will affect my holiday. I don’t want it to. I want to enjoy Fiji and all it has to offer, from the Sobeto Mud Baths to the Sleeping Giant and kayaking and everything else I would like to do. I’ve decided to take a proactive step in the right direction.

Just like all those ab/squat challenges floating around, this is my challenge for June. This is working on my mental health over my physical health. It’s gradually increasing, there’s time to reflect each week and I believe that by the end of June I’ll be feeling a lot better for it.

Who’s with me?

Here are some positive affirmations to get you started:

I love my body and I will feed it nutrition.
My skin glows because of how I nurture it.
I exercise because it makes me feel good.

Regardless of whether these are true right now, say them, repeat them, daily, frequently and you will start to believe them. I believe this is the key to your journey.

Make sure your compliments are honest, by this, I mean that you need to believe it. Find something positive in each of those around you to compliment them on. This will have a flow on effect. You will feel great at the end of it.

Are you game to do this with me? I’ve printed my copy out to go on the bathroom mirror.


So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Gatsby. The Great Gatsby.

It’s one of those classics that you’ve heard of, but never heard about. It hadn’t really sparked my interest till the last Chicks at the Flicks. The loud pounding music, the twenties flapper-style costumes, Leo di Caprio – I was hooked. I had to see it. With great anticipation I’d waited for last night.

When I arrived, I realised this was going to be a first for me. My first 3D Movie! I was given some geeky looking horn rimmed glasses and my bag of goodies (the whole reason I’m in love with Chicks at the Flicks).

The lights dim, the words on the screen tell me to put my geek glasses on. Wow. It’s like things are actually flying at me. At first I feel a little queasy and uneasy but I soon settle to enjoy the movie.

Without giving too much away, the movie was amazing. The costumes were amazing and gorgeous, the soundtrack was thumping and connected straight to my heart and the story line was truly genius. It’s hard to believe this was based on a novel written in the mid 1920s. The actors did their job so well that at times I was so involved I forgot it was a movie.

I give this 4 out of 5 stars! The hour and a half goes quicker than you imagine. If you’re going to see a movie this month – I highly recommend the Great Gatsby. I’m so inspired I think I’m even going to hunt down the book to read.


Friday, 24 May 2013

Stop Squeezing the Golf Ball!

Close your eyes. Slow down your breathing. Make sure you’re sitting somewhere not too noisy. Let’s go through a little exercise.

Think of a golf ball. It’s small, round and hard. Now grab that golf ball with your hand. Squeeze it hard, as hard as you can. Now imagine that golf ball, that you’re squeezing with your hand is lodged inside your head. It’s a blunt pain, it’s gripping, it’s torturous.

Now that you’re squirming and squinting at the screen, you’ve got some idea of what I endured on Wednesday morning.

Wednesday was bootcamp morning. I got up when the alarm went off at 4.30am, pulled on my gym gear, pulled back my hair and headed off ready to do my fitness test. Wednesday marked 4 weeks since the commencement of bootcamp. At this point I was feeling fine, but it was a little chilly.

As a warmup, we jogged down the street and back, and this is when I started feeling uncomfortable. I think uncomfortable is the best way to describe it. It wasn’t hurting yet, but I could feel something out of place in my head. As we continued on with our explosive fitness test the pain kicked in. Involuntary tears were streaming down my face. My body wasn’t ready to give up but this pain was holding me hostage. I haven’t got my results from my fitness test yet. I’m not looking forward to receiving them as I don’t think it can be any good. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d worked as heard and it was mainly due to this pain in my head. After bootcamp I headed home for a shower.

I had the water turned up as hot as I could stand, I was numb, cold and almost paralysed from the pain. After what felt like forever I could feel some sort of feeling come back into me.

I called in sick to work. There was no way I could go through the day if this happened again. I was scared, nervous and apprehensive. As soon as my local doctor surgery opened I made an appointment.

Fast Forward to Appointment…..

After a lot of talking, questioning etc. it was decided that this pain was somewhat psychosomatic. This means that it’s all in my head – quite literally. There was no reason for me to have had that pain. It was my body saying ‘enough is enough’.  This was the longest appointment I’d ever had with a GP. It felt like I was there for nearly an hour. I was being interrogated (new doctor) and asked questions I’d never been asked before. I’ve been referred to see a psychiatrist and I’ve also been prescribed antidepressants.

This is a scary post to write. It’s putting it all out there. I know I need to, because if I don’t, it will consume me.

I hate medication. I don’t believe in medication. Just taking one panadol can knock me out for 24 hours. I was scared what medication would do to me. Would it control me? What were the side effects? Was it really worth it?

I’ve made my appointment – it’s in about four weeks. I’ve started my medication and I’m still scared as hell. My sleeping is erratic (and expected) due to the circumstances. I have decided to believe that I can control my side effects. Or at least one side effect which can be weight gain/weight loss. I need to be stronger than before and stick to clean eating. That will alleviate side effects and see me heal quicker.

Now you know why I’ve been quiet. I’ve been trying to work out whether to post this and how to word it. Now it’s out there. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to be honest and put it all out there. Everybody’s weightloss journey is different – we all encounter different hurdles.

Enjoy your weekend!!