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Friday, 31 May 2013

The Happiness Challenge Starts Tomorrow

Camilla's Journey from the Land of Obesity: The Happiness Challenge

Just a reminder; this challenge starts tomorrow.

When Emotion Overflows

Every morning is a struggle. For some reason, my ‘get up and go’ has been MIA for the last few weeks. I didn’t think anyone had really noticed. Today I found out they had.

I know it’s my fault that I’ve been tardy. I realise that’s my problem. No, my work isn’t behind. Yes, I am still completing all my daily tasks.

So why is it so hard for me to be on time, when I was once a person who was never late?

Admittedly I’ve adjusted the alarms for my week away from Bootcamp. I’ve allowed myself to catch up on some sleep and to adjust to the new medication. That shouldn’t be making me late though. I’m definitely up early enough. Normally everything is pretty organised and ready to go. So what’s the trigger? What holds me back so much?


The thoughts running through my head pushing each other out of the way and fighting to be first in the line-up.  Everything flashes through my mind, everything relating to anything like weightloss, food, eating clean, families, friends – everything. It’s like a whirlwind of disjointed information. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts for only a few minutes, sometimes it’s a lot longer and unfortunately it’s these moments that have their greatest bearings on my life.

I’ve contemplated taking time out till everything balances back out, but there’s no guaranteed time frame. I can’t sit at home and do nothing whilst time just ticks on by. So here I am, confessing to the world of online jibberish.

Sunday is my 10km fun run, so wish me well – I haven’t really trained so I’m not expecting too much. Last year my time was 1 hr 21 mins – I’d love to beat it but won’t hold my breath.

Have you been through something similar? Are you going through it right now? Any tips or advise would be graciously accepted!

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Six Hundred and Seventy-Two

That’s how many hours are in four weeks. Four weeks is how long I’ve been doing boot camp for.

Last night I had my 4 week assessment. This is to see how I’m going and what has improved for me. With everything going on, I wasn’t looking forward to it, I was sure there was not going to be any major change.

I’d set myself up for failure before I’d even been there.

With my heart beating loudly, I stepped on the scales. Roughly a 2kg gain over the month – nowhere near as bad as I expected. In fact, weighing in the afternoon is unpredictable for me, it can vary dependant on my lunch, when I had my last glass of water and so forth. Only two kilograms is awesome – I can work with that. I can manage that. I can shed that. My morning weigh in shows that I’m still stagnant. No shift on the scales and this is with everything else going on. I really can’t complain with that.

My dehydration levels have dropped several percent. This is not what I wanted to hear. I am drinking 2-3L water daily and my hydration levels were only at 40%. For a healthy female, the target is at least 60%. So why wasn’t my body hydrating? I’d already started taking Enduro (even though the sugar content scares me a bit) and it wasn’t making a difference. Maybe it’s because I have limited salt in my body. I cook from scratch, I use raw ingredients wherever possible and I never add salt – had this become my undoing? I’m still trying to work out what’s going on here, so if you know anything about hydration and salts and so forth, please, please drop me a line! Oh, the chemist has me on gastrolyte twice a day too to try to improve the levels.

Okay, now on to the most exciting part….. **drumroll please**

I’ve lost cm!!! Yay! Yep, I know I’ve got a long way to go but…. Progress is progress as long as it’s in the right direction! This is my positive for the day and I’m grasping on to it with both hands!!

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Welcome to Struggle Town

Population, me.

I’m not sure what happened this morning. I certainly didn’t wake up at the time my alarm was set. I woke up an hour later. This put me on the course of tardiness. I was late getting everything done, including arriving at work.

Once I’d arrived, I realised I hadn’t packed my nutritional lunch, I had lunch, but no veggies to go with it, no morning tea, no afternoon tea – bugger. Then I also realised I needed to fill the fuel up this morning, goodness knows how much is left in the tank or how far it’ll get me. To say I was flustered was an understatement.

Today is Wednesday. Most of you will probably question that statement, but I know my 12wbt buddies won’t. Wednesday is the day to jump on the scales and accept your fate. The scales weren’t kind to me. They weren’t nasty either, but I had been hoping for a decline in numbers. I need to see that decline so badly to keep going. Still weigh 108kg. No gain. No loss.

I’ve been told that at least it’s not a gain, and don’t worry about it. Well I do. I do worry about it. I am obese. That’s an unhealthy weight. I have fat that I need to shed. Tonight is also my bootcamp assessment. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel stepping on the scales with little to no change. Having to explain it all again. I hope if nothing else that maybe I’ve discarded some cm, maybe my fitness has improved. Just any sign, any positive sign to spur me on.

Today is my seventh day of taking the medication. Some days I feel like it’s already improving and then days like today make me question it all. I know I have to give it at least four weeks, so that’s what I’ll do. I hope I’m over these ‘spats’ by then because they’re so exhaustive and counter-productive.

Today I’ve got 39 days till Fiji. I am scared and excited. I am scared that I will be over there at a whopping 108kg. I am scared that I won’t fit in my swimmers. I am scared that I’ll be excluded from doing things that I want to do because of my size. I am excited about exploring a new country and I’m excited about taking Fijian cooking lessons. I am excited to be staying at Sonaisali and I’m excited about the mud baths.

Outside the rain is pouring and reminding me of how much I’d rather be at home watching Hart of Dixie episodes, or painting or knitting. Anything really. Something enjoyable, something relaxing. I’d just about kill for a good coffee or a good hot chocolate right now but I’m all out. With the rain, I’m not going on an adventure across to Coles to grab some more.

Apologies for this disjointed post. I’m not quite myself today. I’m struggling with every concept of me, every angle.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Happiness Challenge

As the days are counting down and I get closer and closer to my island getaway, I find myself more and more worried about how my depression will affect my holiday. I don’t want it to. I want to enjoy Fiji and all it has to offer, from the Sobeto Mud Baths to the Sleeping Giant and kayaking and everything else I would like to do. I’ve decided to take a proactive step in the right direction.

Just like all those ab/squat challenges floating around, this is my challenge for June. This is working on my mental health over my physical health. It’s gradually increasing, there’s time to reflect each week and I believe that by the end of June I’ll be feeling a lot better for it.

Who’s with me?

Here are some positive affirmations to get you started:

I love my body and I will feed it nutrition.
My skin glows because of how I nurture it.
I exercise because it makes me feel good.

Regardless of whether these are true right now, say them, repeat them, daily, frequently and you will start to believe them. I believe this is the key to your journey.

Make sure your compliments are honest, by this, I mean that you need to believe it. Find something positive in each of those around you to compliment them on. This will have a flow on effect. You will feel great at the end of it.

Are you game to do this with me? I’ve printed my copy out to go on the bathroom mirror.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Gatsby. The Great Gatsby.

It’s one of those classics that you’ve heard of, but never heard about. It hadn’t really sparked my interest till the last Chicks at the Flicks. The loud pounding music, the twenties flapper-style costumes, Leo di Caprio – I was hooked. I had to see it. With great anticipation I’d waited for last night.

When I arrived, I realised this was going to be a first for me. My first 3D Movie! I was given some geeky looking horn rimmed glasses and my bag of goodies (the whole reason I’m in love with Chicks at the Flicks).

The lights dim, the words on the screen tell me to put my geek glasses on. Wow. It’s like things are actually flying at me. At first I feel a little queasy and uneasy but I soon settle to enjoy the movie.

Without giving too much away, the movie was amazing. The costumes were amazing and gorgeous, the soundtrack was thumping and connected straight to my heart and the story line was truly genius. It’s hard to believe this was based on a novel written in the mid 1920s. The actors did their job so well that at times I was so involved I forgot it was a movie.

I give this 4 out of 5 stars! The hour and a half goes quicker than you imagine. If you’re going to see a movie this month – I highly recommend the Great Gatsby. I’m so inspired I think I’m even going to hunt down the book to read.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Stop Squeezing the Golf Ball!

Close your eyes. Slow down your breathing. Make sure you’re sitting somewhere not too noisy. Let’s go through a little exercise.

Think of a golf ball. It’s small, round and hard. Now grab that golf ball with your hand. Squeeze it hard, as hard as you can. Now imagine that golf ball, that you’re squeezing with your hand is lodged inside your head. It’s a blunt pain, it’s gripping, it’s torturous.

Now that you’re squirming and squinting at the screen, you’ve got some idea of what I endured on Wednesday morning.

Wednesday was bootcamp morning. I got up when the alarm went off at 4.30am, pulled on my gym gear, pulled back my hair and headed off ready to do my fitness test. Wednesday marked 4 weeks since the commencement of bootcamp. At this point I was feeling fine, but it was a little chilly.

As a warmup, we jogged down the street and back, and this is when I started feeling uncomfortable. I think uncomfortable is the best way to describe it. It wasn’t hurting yet, but I could feel something out of place in my head. As we continued on with our explosive fitness test the pain kicked in. Involuntary tears were streaming down my face. My body wasn’t ready to give up but this pain was holding me hostage. I haven’t got my results from my fitness test yet. I’m not looking forward to receiving them as I don’t think it can be any good. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d worked as heard and it was mainly due to this pain in my head. After bootcamp I headed home for a shower.

I had the water turned up as hot as I could stand, I was numb, cold and almost paralysed from the pain. After what felt like forever I could feel some sort of feeling come back into me.

I called in sick to work. There was no way I could go through the day if this happened again. I was scared, nervous and apprehensive. As soon as my local doctor surgery opened I made an appointment.

Fast Forward to Appointment…..

After a lot of talking, questioning etc. it was decided that this pain was somewhat psychosomatic. This means that it’s all in my head – quite literally. There was no reason for me to have had that pain. It was my body saying ‘enough is enough’.  This was the longest appointment I’d ever had with a GP. It felt like I was there for nearly an hour. I was being interrogated (new doctor) and asked questions I’d never been asked before. I’ve been referred to see a psychiatrist and I’ve also been prescribed antidepressants.

This is a scary post to write. It’s putting it all out there. I know I need to, because if I don’t, it will consume me.

I hate medication. I don’t believe in medication. Just taking one panadol can knock me out for 24 hours. I was scared what medication would do to me. Would it control me? What were the side effects? Was it really worth it?

I’ve made my appointment – it’s in about four weeks. I’ve started my medication and I’m still scared as hell. My sleeping is erratic (and expected) due to the circumstances. I have decided to believe that I can control my side effects. Or at least one side effect which can be weight gain/weight loss. I need to be stronger than before and stick to clean eating. That will alleviate side effects and see me heal quicker.

Now you know why I’ve been quiet. I’ve been trying to work out whether to post this and how to word it. Now it’s out there. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to be honest and put it all out there. Everybody’s weightloss journey is different – we all encounter different hurdles.

Enjoy your weekend!!

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Are you an apple? I’m a too much nachos….

Monday-itis has been and gone, we’re now on the second day out of five this week. I finally have a weekend off! My count down is on. There’s also less than 7 weeks till Fiji. So many things happening, so much organising required. Let’s tick off some of the things I’ve done this week.

1.       Booked tickets to Bon Jovi – Check
2.       Organised to get tickets for Mrs Brown’s Boys – Check
3.       Organised to get tickets for CMC Rocks NQ – Check
4.       Arranged accommodation for Bon Jovi – Check
5.       Arranged accommodation for CMC Rocks NQ – Check

Yep, I’m doing the daggy thing and going to Bon Jovi. I know the words to most of his songs, and although I’m not a die-hard fan, for $35, there was no reason to pass this up. Concerts are generally fantastic just based on the atmosphere, everything else is a bonus.

So I’m eagerly filling my social calender, and with each event booked, my mind drifts back to my weight. Hmmm…. My pants ‘feel loose’ but that doesn’t mean that the scales will show it. I already had a complete lapse of willpower today where a Boost Bar and an ill tasting Freddo jumped inot my mouth – lucky they were only fun size, but still.

So this leads me to my current predicament. Fashion.

I’ve always been the big girl hiding in large, baggy jumpers  that flow over my shorts/jeans. Now that my size and shape are changing, I’ve realised I don’t know what my style is. I don’t know what looks good on my. I don’t really have the money to splash out on one of those fancy stylists so I thought I’d look online. It asks me whether I’m apple, pear or orange shape? Huh, what the?? I’d say I’m more of a ‘too much pizza and nachos’ type shape…

Now you’ve all seen my pics – what shape am I? What would suit someone my shape??

Friday, 17 May 2013

I Didn’t Think of My Fat as a Jumper

I’m a sweater. No, don’t jump ahead, not a sweater as in a jumper but a sweater as in a person who sweats profusely. I sweat when it’s hot, when I’m uncomfortable, when I’ve been put on the spot or whenever else the sweat glands feel like a party. It’s not pretty, but I’m used to it and I dress accordingly. I’d rather be a little cold and ‘dry’, then warm and sweating.

Now that I’m shedding weight I’m noticing the cold more than I ever have. At 123kg I rarely needed a jumper or jacket and was quite comfortable with the air con on 80% of the year. This year it’s different. Oh how the times have changed!!

This morning I got up (as I do three times a week now) for bootcamp at some ridiculous hour – in fact I refuse to wear a watch at that time because I don’t want to acknowledge it. This morning it was 16 degrees Celsius when I left home, and 15 degrees by the time I reached Bootcamp. Now I’ve heard people claiming everything from that it’s ‘stifling hot’ to ‘that’s not even close to being cold’. Well, that all depends on what you compare it to.

Compare it to Victoria and Tassie, then nope, that’s not cold at all. Compare it to Fiji and Hawaii and it’s flippin’ freezing. Central Queensland – well it’s our winter, and this year I’m feeling it.

For the first time ever I wore a jumper to bootcamp and even wore it on my warm up run – that is unheard of!! Yep, I must be shedding the insulation that’s previously kept me so comfy and warm. Now I’m looking at jackets and woollen knits – still only light ones, but something to keep me from freezing. They say keeping warm uses more calories so maybe being cold isn’t really a bad thing…..

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Cake for Breakfast.

I can feel the judging stares and thoughts already.

She said what? Really? Surely not… She knows how bad that is, right? Isn’t she trying to shed weight? What on earth is she thinking??

Sometimes things change. More to the point, priorities change.

Yes, I am trying to shed weight. Yes, I did have cake for breakfast. Are you willing to let me tell my story before you judge me?

I’ve been quiet for a little while as I’ve had a few days off work. Days to focus on other things in my life, trying to rebalance everything.

I’ve now officially started on the 12 Week Body Transformation. You’ve all seen my starting pics and my data has been updated. I still haven’t added in my measurements, but I have them and I just need to take the time.  The groceries have all been bought for my 12wbt nutritional menu and the planning has been done for me, now I just need to follow it.

So I had a birthday for a very special person in my life this week. It’s been a while since I had baked a cake with all the trimmings so I thought I’d jump in and do it. I made a choc/butter marble cake and filled it with blueberry, banana cream and decorated it with chocolate, strawberries and cream. It tasted devine. As I had things to do on Tuesday, I had my slice for breakfast. To be honest, I had another slice for afternoon tea too. Then I removed the temptation by sending the cake away to be gone from my watering eyes and mouth!

This is not a regular occurrence. I don’t always have cake for breakfast. In fact I can’t think of the last time I did. This week I did. I do not feel guilty because this is life. I realise that I need to work twice as hard this week to make up for it and I’m willing to do that.

Last night I made the famous 12WBT Beef Stroganoff and at just over 300 cals per serve I was stuffed!! The servings were huge!! Looking at how much pasta I ‘should’ have compared to how much I ‘used to’ have is a clear explanation as to how I became obese. I was eating enough pasta for about 10-15 people in one sitting! Wowsers my portion control was out of control!

Tonight I challenge the treadmill to 10km in preparation for the Rocky River Run and to ensure I beat my goals. I’ll chat again tomorrow xx

PS Not sure why but my pictures won't load the right way - consider it my way of helping you stretch your neck...

Monday, 13 May 2013

How do you spell failure?

Today was the first day of the 12wbt round.
Today it all begun.
Today I still haven't had time to go through my menu, do the shopping or print out my exercise.
Today I still haven't done my measurements.
Yesterday I did step on the scales.
Imagine my horror when I realised that I was sliding back up the numbers instead of down.
I haven't regained everything I've lost, but I'm not heading in the right direction.
It was like somebody winded me.
I couldn't breathe, then I couldn't see. Hot salty tears were blinding my vision as I stared at the pictures on my screen that were supposed to be depicting me. As I look at them, I think back to last year and have a look at my 'lighter' photos. My sobs just get louder. I feel like an ogre who is becoming her fate as time ticks on.
After my weight loss last year, I thought I was still eating healthily. I did a few spot checks, and although they were closer to 1500 than 1200 on average per day, it certainly wasn't like I was eating 3000 calories a day. Based on my calculations, I must have been eating at least 3000 calories as my BMR (basal metabolic rate is just over 2800), to see my weight increase.
Last year at my dexascan, post-finale, I weighed 100.6kg. This was an awesome achievement and saw my end goal of 80-85kg near, almost touchable. Now as I sit here between 107-108kg I am absolutely disgusted. Actually, disgusted doesn't cover it, I can't think of the word to use.
Each time I look at those photos I wonder where my mojo went.
Why did I not notice the gain?
If I did notice, why didn't I do anything about it?
Now that I am trying to do something about it, why can't it be like last year where it just clicked for me.
When it comes to your health, to your body, what are you willing to sacrifice?
Will you sacrifice your health for money?
This is what I feel like I'm doing. If I give up a job, I'll have more time to spend on me, but as I'm living on a budget for 1 with a mortgage, lease car and personal loan on top of what I owe the parentals, am I prepared to step back and only have the very basics. Will that be enough for me? For the first time in over five years my budget is finally back in the green and it's taken a long, long time to get there. I'm not debt free, but I would certainly like to focus on that.
How do you choose between these priorities?
Some may say it's easy, just choose your health. How much of my health will be sacrificed when I can't afford the gym, or bootcamp, or perhaps my rates or keeping my food healthy and as natural as possible? What lengths are you prepared to go to? What's your achilles heel?
If you were wearing my shoes - what would you do??

Here are the pics -you have been warned...

Friday, 10 May 2013

PB Smashing Time!

What PB (personal bests) have you challenged yourself to beat this year?

Even whilst I’m still over 100kg I tend to jump in feet first to things and just hope I can swim (or at least float). I started this trend last year by competing in the Rocky River Run, which is a fun run in Rockhampton, Central Qld in June. Last year I nominated for 10km. The second I paid my noms I was sure I’d clock in last. My goal last year was to beat 1 hour 30 minutes.
I did it. I beat my goal.

Not only did I beat it, I smashed it at just over 1 hour 21 minutes.

This year when the talk started about this fun run I thought about how embarrassed I was that I hadn’t lost any further weight, in fact I’d gained. I was very tempted to just sign up for the 5km and take the easy route and forget about it all. As all these thoughts were going through my head, one voice was stronger and louder than all the others. A very good friend of mine has a quote that regularly kicks me back into line:

So I’ve signed up for the 10 km.

I’m honestly not sure how I’ll go this year. I’ve had a huge break from training and have only just kicked back into gear in the last few weeks. Do I dare to dream? Do I dare to stretch? Setting my goal to hit the same time last year might be the logical thing but it’s not the Camilla thing. I’m pushing for a run finishing under 1 hr 15 mins – is it possible? Hell yeah! I just have to focus and increase the intensity of my training.

With everything else going on, can I do this? Am I overloading myself and heading for failure? I don’t think I am – what are your thoughts?

Thursday, 9 May 2013

The Excitement is Just Too Much!

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least, I’m going to leave it in the past because that’s where it deserves to stay. I didn’t have a very positive frame of mind, and hence no blog post. Today will be different.

As I surf the forums on 12wbt I can feel something stirring inside, something I haven’t felt for a long time. Today is release day.

Huh? Release day?

For those of you who have never experienced 12wbt, release day is the day our menus and shopping lists are released. It signifies the beginning is near and excitement and anticipation for the round soars. I experienced these emotions in the first round, but not the subsequent rounds. This round is the first round since my initial round where I’ve got the butterflies in my tummy.

This time I know that the program works, there is no question. I know the menu plans are easily substituted as long as I stick to unprocessed meat and vege on the days where I simply cannot stomach what is on the menu.

The big difference this time round? Exercise! I am committing to completing my exercise every day it is scheduled, one way or another! This is on top of bootcamp!!

I have less than 9 week till Fiji. I weighed 100kg  the same time last year when I was in Hawaii and it made a huge difference! I’d really love to travel to Fiji at 95kg! That would be unreal!!

So here are some similarities between this round and first round 2012, and dissimilarities between this round and the other two rounds I completed last year:

I am excited and nervous
I am making a presence on the forums and getting the support I need
I have upped the ante on this blog and my posting
I am committing to eating the nutritional plan
I am committing to the exercise
I will complete the challenges set before me
I will set mini milestone challenges to complete
And the biggest one of all….. I will not give up!!

Already I’ve met some awesome people through the forums. I am already re-connecting with my real life friends.

Anyone who is negative, ie tells me I can’t or that it’s a waste of money can go to hell! I don’t need you in my life because you’re sucking out my energy whilst I try to quieten your whinging. I only need to be surrounded by those who support me and give a damn. I’ve spent far too long pleasing everyone else. I’m over it. I don’t care anymore. I’m an adult. Deal with it.
Yep, you heard me:

My first ever 12wbt Finale

I will wear these swimmers in Fiji

Me, this year.

I am successful

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Nine letters - _a_p_n_ss

What is it?
What defines being happy?
Is it a place, is it a person?
Is it a combination?
What makes someone happy?

Happiness is on the agenda today after a conversation with a good friend of mine via email this morning. I was given some very spot on advice:

“You need to rediscover what really makes you happy, and then do it!! When you’re happy, the rest will start falling into place”

My initial response was: “What makes me happy? How do I figure that out?”

My friend advised it has to be pure happiness, not happiness that is dependent on others or on things I can’t control. Focus on what you can.

This set my mind off in a flurry. I’d had happy moments over the last few years, but could I honestly say that I knew how to make myself happy? How to find my true self’s happiness?

I had no idea where to start. You may as well have removed my mouth and then asked me to speak. I didn’t even know where to begin. Now, some seven or so hours later, I wasn’t much clearer. Have I focussed so much on other things that I don’t even know what makes me, me?

I love gardening. I believe gardening makes me happy but I seldom get a chance to play in the dirt. Between two jobs and fitting in exercise and everything else it just doesn’t get priority.

Reading. I can get lost in books for hours, days almost – I can’t remember the last book I read. Once again, I just don’t have the time.

I love to cook and to bake, and I rarely spend a lot of time on that either.

Have become so muddled up in my physical goals that I’m ignoring my soul and what makes me happy? I’m sure there must be other things that make me happy that I just haven’t considered.

I’ve been told many times that I have it easy. You have no kids nor husband, your life is easy and you must have so much time to do exactly what you want. Are you serious? Yes, I’m not married, I don’t have children, but that doesn’t automatically mean I’m given more time. I think I’ve mentioned recently that we all get the same amount of time, it’s how we manage it that makes a difference.

Before I step off the trodden track, let’s get back to happiness.

How do you fit your ‘happy activities’ that are just for you and make you who you are? How do you define these activities? Do you put them on the backburner and seldom get back to them? Are you able to list, right now, at least ten things that make you happy and at peace with yourself and that aren’t dependant on others? It’s not as easy as you think…

Monday, 6 May 2013

I…….um….have to break up with you…

This isn’t easy for me to say… or type. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. I didn’t plan for things to go this way, but now you’ve left me with no choice. I have to do this. It’s the best thing for me. I am the most important person to me right now and I have to do what’s best for me. It’s over. I can’t handle a casual relationship. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl and I can’t give you my all. I need you out of my house. I see too much of you.

There. It’s been done. It’s been said. I just broke up with my scales.

My scales and I have had a turbulent relationship since inception. We’ve had good times and we’ve had bad times. Like any relationship, it needs to be honest and at the moment, all I’m getting is mind games.

On Saturday morning, I dutifully got up, stepped on the scales (as I do every single morning just about) and looked down with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. It had been ten days since my last weigh in. I had eaten clean and worked out; I was bound to see results.

No change. No gain. No loss. I was heartbroken. What’s the point if nothing changes?

So I sat down to my first of three breakfasts. The first was my standard protein porridge and banana – nothing wrong with that. Breakfast number 2 was a smoothie – hmmm okay, so you don’t need two breakfasts but it was nearly snack time, so I justified it. Breakfast number three was the tastiest – multigrain toast with rosella jam. Now I’m not going to confess to exactly how many, but let’s say it was more than a few. I also managed to eat a whole frozen pizza (you’d think that when I was struggling to finish the last 4 slices I’d stop, but nope, I finished it all) as well as a bag of bullets, strawberry licorice, and whatever else I could get my hands on. Then I started realising what I’d done, so down the Metamucil tablets, there was only a few left, so I mixed up a drink too, figured it would flush me out.

Repeat again for Sunday except I was at work. Not a healthy weekend and it all started from a one minute activity on Saturday morning. I justified my gross behaviour on what the scales said.

This morning I sheepishly told my bootcamp coach and she told me in no uncertain terms that the scales had to go. So did my backup scales. I guess they’re going for a holiday down to Gladstone for a while. I’m only allowed to go by the weigh ins that she is conducting for me at the moment so I don’t fall into the self sabotage trap. I still haven’t quite worked out how this will work with 12wbt but where there’s a will, there’s a way. I must say I’m getting nervous about letting them go. I’ve weighed myself frequently since moving out of home so I’m a bit anxious about it all. I’ll have to keep you all posted with it

Thursday, 2 May 2013


Just a very quick post to say "I'VE REGISTERED"! I'm officially doing 2013 Round 2 12WBT! I'm currently in the forums as CamillaIAm (formerly known as ShinyNewCamilla) if you're looking for me! This may change as I feel I need a change this round... Keep posted for the pre-season tasks to commence including the infamous before pic!!

That Moment

This morning was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but when I woke up I knew I wasn’t the same. I could feel it, sense it….

Let’s rewind and do a quick run through of the lead up.

Last night I went to Chicks at (should be the at symbol but apparently the blog won't post with it in here) the Flicks – for those of you who don’t know, this event occurs once a month at your local Birch cinemas. It’s generally an early release of a movie, it’s aimed at girls with stalls and pre-show activities and you get a goodies bag. It’s my once a month social outing and I love it. For the last few months (or more) I’ve been in a really strange headspace. In fact, part of me thinks I’m still there. It’s where I’m constantly struggling against the inner me, arguing, throwing verbal and negative abuse at myself. Deep down I know this isn’t right but for some reason I keep doing it. Terms like fatty, idiot, numpty and so forth are regularly in my vocabulary in my vocal and non-vocal conversations with myself. Even though I do it, I still get very offended if someone else calls me a fatty. It’s not that I don’t have fat, because I do, it’s the fact that when you’re carrying extra weight to the tune of 25kg, then you are well and truly aware of it, you don’t need to be reminded or told. Anyway, before I go off on too much of a tangent, last night a comment was made that cut to the core, I won’t go in to too much detail but basically I had entered a competition and it was implied that if I won it, I’d have to use it to buy someone else stuff as it wouldn’t fit me. The thing about judging people is that you don’t know the journey they’re on. You don’t know where they’ve come from. I’m pretty certain this skinny lass all dolled up in exercise gear (and makeup?!) would have had no idea of the weight I’d already discarded, removed from my body – she would have no idea, so what gave her the reason to judge? Nothing. She probably didn’t even realise she’d done it. The damage was done. I was horrified and so embarrassed. One would think that at this point, I’d just pack up and go home, but nope, I’d paid money for my tickets so I stayed. I stayed and watched an absolutely awesome movie whilst eating through large popcorn and slurping my way through a large frozen coke. As popcorn kernels fell down my top it reminded me of Michelle (Bridges) once saying that if you were going to eat garlic bread, don’t bother chewing, just wipe it all over your butt cause that’s where it’ll end up.

This moment made my mind up.

I was going to do it.

I was going back.

After 1 successful and 2 not so successful rounds last year, I’m heading back to 12wbt land!

With that decision firmly made in my mind, I slept better last night, not sure why, but it was like a relief the decision had been made. This morning I woke up after just 7 hours of sleep and I felt the freshest I have in a long time. I felt at peace to some extent. The morning flowed without concern and still, now as I sit here typing away at the keyboard, nothing is really bothering me.

The biggest challenge I’ve got today is to work out what my new username will be. I’m feeling that ShinyNewCamilla is somewhat dated. I want something different and something that really clicks with me. I’ve officially signed up and I’ve placed my first forum post. It’s all a little bit exciting and I can’t wait to start my preseason tasks. I’ve got roughly a week and a half till the round starts and I feel I’m in a pretty good place right now to make this work. I do bootcamp for 45mins three times a week, I am looking at adding gym classes and a running coach to that, maybe even a pt session. The possibilities are endless. I’ve done some rough calculations and this should see finale at the end of July, which means I’ll be back from Fiji and hopefully able to make that too! Yep, as you can tell by my rambling, I’m more than a little excited. 12wbt isn’t just about losing weight, it’s a lifestyle change, it’s healthy eating, it’s moving your body, loving your body, enjoying life and creating everlasting friendships and circles of support that will see you through for the rest of your life. So with all that blurted out, I’ll leave you now in peace till next week. Enjoy your weekend and if you can think of a sassy username, drop a comment below and I’ll check it out. I’ve posted the same question to a few fb groups so I can’t wait to see what comes out of it.

Take care and keep moving this weekend. Hang on a minute. Today isn’t Friday. Oops – overexcited again. I’ll chat to you all tomorrow!!

Wednesday, 1 May 2013


Catch up day. It was bound to happen. Today is it.

I woke up a little sluggish but still made it to bootcamp. I made it to work and then….

It just hit me. Exhaustion. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Everything I tried didn’t make a difference. It took me nearly four hours from when I first got up this morning before I was functional again. Even as I type these words I’m tempted to just snooze for a little while. Surely nobody will notice if I close my eyes just for a moment.

So today’s post won’t be long. It won’t be great. It’s just a little note to say that I do want to ensure I keep you all posted regularly but today it’s just not happening for me. In hindsight I’m not sure booking Chicks @ the Flicks tonight was the best idea, but it’s my once a month social outing, so I’m not letting it go.

So for now, I’m tired, I’m sore and I’m outta here!!