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Monday, 13 May 2013

How do you spell failure?

Today was the first day of the 12wbt round.
Today it all begun.
Today I still haven't had time to go through my menu, do the shopping or print out my exercise.
Today I still haven't done my measurements.
Yesterday I did step on the scales.
Imagine my horror when I realised that I was sliding back up the numbers instead of down.
I haven't regained everything I've lost, but I'm not heading in the right direction.
It was like somebody winded me.
I couldn't breathe, then I couldn't see. Hot salty tears were blinding my vision as I stared at the pictures on my screen that were supposed to be depicting me. As I look at them, I think back to last year and have a look at my 'lighter' photos. My sobs just get louder. I feel like an ogre who is becoming her fate as time ticks on.
After my weight loss last year, I thought I was still eating healthily. I did a few spot checks, and although they were closer to 1500 than 1200 on average per day, it certainly wasn't like I was eating 3000 calories a day. Based on my calculations, I must have been eating at least 3000 calories as my BMR (basal metabolic rate is just over 2800), to see my weight increase.
Last year at my dexascan, post-finale, I weighed 100.6kg. This was an awesome achievement and saw my end goal of 80-85kg near, almost touchable. Now as I sit here between 107-108kg I am absolutely disgusted. Actually, disgusted doesn't cover it, I can't think of the word to use.
Each time I look at those photos I wonder where my mojo went.
Why did I not notice the gain?
If I did notice, why didn't I do anything about it?
Now that I am trying to do something about it, why can't it be like last year where it just clicked for me.
When it comes to your health, to your body, what are you willing to sacrifice?
Will you sacrifice your health for money?
This is what I feel like I'm doing. If I give up a job, I'll have more time to spend on me, but as I'm living on a budget for 1 with a mortgage, lease car and personal loan on top of what I owe the parentals, am I prepared to step back and only have the very basics. Will that be enough for me? For the first time in over five years my budget is finally back in the green and it's taken a long, long time to get there. I'm not debt free, but I would certainly like to focus on that.
How do you choose between these priorities?
Some may say it's easy, just choose your health. How much of my health will be sacrificed when I can't afford the gym, or bootcamp, or perhaps my rates or keeping my food healthy and as natural as possible? What lengths are you prepared to go to? What's your achilles heel?
If you were wearing my shoes - what would you do??

Here are the pics -you have been warned...


  1. Oh honey (((hugs)))) ... it's the start of 12wbt... wipe the tears and use this post as motivation to get back into it again. I completely understand where you are coming from with regards to finding the time and having to chose. It's a life long thing you've got to work at I think.
    I don't know much about your last journey, but you obviously did an awesome job. You're trying, and that's what matters most.
    Good luck this time round xo

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I'm determined to make a proper go of this and I'm back in the driver's seat. Can't guarantee there won't be more tears, but for now it's JFDI.

  2. I relate to so much of what you wrote. Dont focus on what you have done I. The past focus on what you will do in the future.

    1. The future it is! That's a great way of looking at it :)

  3. Don't beat yourself up about it. Today is one day. You can jump back on the wagon any time. Stay strong!

    1. Back on the wagon already :) Stay tuned for (hopefully) some good news

  4. You've just taken ownership! I totally relate to all the costs adding up, mortgage, increase in rates, bills, uni fees, etc. I can also relate to lack of time. I currently work full time, have a second casual job and am studying uni part time not to mention all the social stuff that just 'pops' up - and it's hard and sometimes overwhelming! My approach is to chip away at it all, slowly. Sometimes it's best not to look at the big picture and take each day as it comes. Plan for today and tomorrow and work up to the rest of the week from there. Can't say my approach would work for everyone, but it works for me :)

    1. Oh Kristy, you sound just like me :) I'm taking your advice on board and so far so good. I'm hoping to be able to iron out some of the creases as I go but for now I think I just continue to plod along :)