I've been very quiet on the blog front. Not many posts at all of late.
No, I haven't disappeared and on the other extreme, I haven't been so committed that I've forgotten.
I've simply fallen into a trap.
I'm lost and alone and I struggle to see the light.
One might wonder how I can be lost when I'm sitting at home in my study tapping impatiently at the keys on my keyboard? Or one might wonder how I can be alone - I have over 400 facebook "friends" and I chat to a lot of them regularly. Struggle to see what light? What on earth does she mean? Obviously she's fallen off the wagon and had too much too drink....
On the contrare.
I'm still here. I'm still counting every calorie that passes my lips and I'm doing my utmost to increase incidental exercise and I'm still smashing out regular workouts.
So what happened? What's changed?
I've had a fantastic first round with results that I still can't get my head around. When I look in the mirror, I still see the first original photo I posted. I still can't see changes in the mirror, but I can in the photo I posted.
When I first started this journey, I was warned that it would be 4-8 weeks before I would notice any change and 12-16 weeks before others would. Well others are starting to comment and I still can't see it! My clothes have gone down in size and I now fit things I never thought I would again but still my brain just doesn't get it.
I'm not dumb. I got good grades at school, I have a really good job, I've got common sense. So why doesn't my brain get it? Why does it feel like I'm no longer connected to my body?
For this last week I've been feeling....ummm....different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first but after a lot of thinking and a lot of time on google, I worked it out. I feel disjointed. I feel almost like my body doesn't belong.
I've lost a lot of weight, a lot of cm and my whole shape is changing. I have more energy and I feel more alive than I ever have. It just doesn't feel like it's my body.
It feels almost like it's on lend and I'm waiting for someone to ask for it back.
The reason I feel alone is because I'm not sure if others have felt like this. I can't comprehend that people who have never experienced massive weight problems would even have a clue what I'm talking about. Those with weight problems, I don't know their journeys.
This has played with my mind on and off since the end of the round. Damned idle time!! When I'm kept busy, I don't have time to stop and analyse what's happening.
This feeling of lonliness and isolation has gotten to me. I'm feeling depression-like feelings. I'm not depressed, I know that, I'm just going through a change period.
In my resume I always write that I'm "easily adaptable to change" - am I really? Or does that just apply to work?
This week I've had more questions than answers. I've been bursting with questions but I haven't really been sure where to ask them. I should have asked here all along but I worried what others would think of me. In fact I worried about it so much that I tried to keep this to myself and it was consuming me.
Then I realised that if I was thinking this and feeling this, then maybe others are too. Maybe this despair isn't a unique feeling that only I have felt. Maybe there are others who have been through this and come out the other side.
I know now there is and I know I'm not alone.
Through this dark patch, I had an unlikely friend notice my change and reach out to me. I say 'unlikely' not because I don't value their friendship, because I do, but 'unlikely' because I never thought I'd build such trust with someone I'd only ever spoken to online. You know who you are Crossfit Superstar!! This friend has reached out to me daily to ensure that I'm okay, to encourage me to speak so that I can get through this.
Hell I'm a strong independant woman who shows no weakness - it took a lot for me to open up and even as I sit here tapping these words out of my fingertips I feel nervous.
So what am I doing about where I'm at in my journey??
I book a session with Emazon - click on the link if you're clueless as to who this is. Emazon is the master of mindset lessons and has been seen on Channel 10s The Biggest Loser. Next weekend I have 60 minutes with her to sort out my mindset. Help the brain catch up to the body.
Although I haven't sorted all my concerns/issues out - I'm now okay with that because I have a plan. I don't plan on just plodding along and doing nothing. I'm going to challenge my problems straight up and smash them down. I've been playing victim too long when it comes to myself. In the rest of my life I apply the rules of karma and I do my very best to not be a victim but this time the mentality slipped through without me noticing.
I'm not a victim. I own my journey. This journey is my choice and how it ends is up to me.
Even just saying the above line makes me feel empowered. The words are now flowing easier, so obviously it also helps to get things off your chest.
If you're currently on a weightloss journey and you're feeling like this and you want to vent to someone or you want support, then add me on twitter or like my facebook journey page and message me. This is not an easy journey but it is so worth it.
Unless you've walked in these shoes, don't judge me, you don't have that right.
I think I've got a recipe or two that I owe you so I'll pop those up tomorrow.