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Thursday, 24 May 2012

Don’t Let Someone Else Dictate Who You Are

I am nearly 31 years old.
When my mum was my age, she was married with three kids.
When I look around most of my friends are married with kids.
Some are even divorced with kids.
I don’t have a lot of single friends left that don’t have kids.
This isn’t a bad thing, but it makes me a teeny bit jealous.
Up until about 3 or so years I ago, I swore I’d never have kids. I didn’t think I’d be capable of changing nappies or cleaning up spew. I still don’t know if I’d be capable but I can’t imagine growing old and never have had a child.
Being overweight with low self esteem and low self confidence I assumed that I wouldn’t meet someone in real life and I turned to online dating.
At first I created rules for myself to keep me safe and to protect me.
I set rules like we had to be communicating on a regular basis for at least 4 weeks before I would meet someone. I also didn’t decline anyone’s request until I’d spoken to them.
Thanks to my rules I have met so many guys from Rockhampton that it made me doubt that there was someone for me.
I want someone who compliments me.
I am single, no baggage, have my own place, a good job and a lot of hobbies. I didn’t think it would be that hard.
It seems that time and time again I attract guys that either have none of the above or I attract guys already in a ring committed relationship, ie engaged/married. I am completely blown away by the amount of guys who are not committed in their relationships even when there is a ring involved and even when I catch them out they deny it.
Many times I’ve thought about contacting their better (obviously) halves to fill them in but I don’t want to cop the brunt of the fallout. I don’t want to be the ‘home wrecker’ or the ‘other woman’.
Each time this information has come to light, I’ve blamed myself. Each time I keep getting told it’s not my fault.
Guess what? It is my fault. Not that they treat me bad and the lie to me, but because I let it happen. On each of these occasions, I’ve had the gut feeling telling me not to go there. Each time I’ve ignored it and hoped for the best because ideally, the idea of being in a happy relationship was so grand that I didn’t even think for a second that I couldn’t make it work.
In the past I used to be able to justify their actions in two seconds flat, almost give them the permission to have done what they did.
Not this time.
I’ve changed.
I don’t deserve this. I am not going to stoop to your level.
When I first begun this journey I had such a low opinion of myself that I’m disgusted looking back. I can’t believe how I treated myself much less how I spoke about myself and what my thoughts were like.
I know there’d be at least one of you reading this post and thinking the same. Be strong. You can change. You have the power to be who you want to be. It took me a long time to realise this but now that I have I’m on the journey of a lifetime.
It’s not always easy. In fact most of the time it’s damn hard. This is where I’m grateful that I’ve made some awesome friends through 12WBT. They keep me honest and they keep me on my toes.
This post wasn’t going to be so honest when I started writing it. I had no intention of blurting so much out. So many people in my life have no idea of the above. In fact I’m almost certain that even some of the guys that I’ve dated that fall into the above category will read this. It’s amazing how small the world is.
The bottom line is:
You are you because you let yourself be. If you don’t like where you’re at, you have the power to change it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Take one step at a time and you will get there. This is not a race, this is your life, your journey – enjoy the scenery along the way and enjoy learning to love yourself. xo


  1. The obvious thing to me is that you are an honest and trusting person. Never ever think that this is a value you should not have. You are so much stronger than any of those people you have met who are liars and uncommitted to the relationships they already have and they are not worthy of your attention.
    I love this last line from you "This is not a race, this is your life, your journey – enjoy the scenery along the way and enjoy learning to love yourself."

  2. Thanks Mel. It's been a challenging week to say the least. I just feel like curling up in a ball and hiding in bed for a week!

  3. Good luck....You are worth so much more, and Im sure that with the success you have had so far with your weight loss that sooner or later your mind will fully catch up to how fantastic you are. (Sounds like you are getting there anyway) Hold out hope...there are nice guys out there...even if they are well hidden

  4. I have a feeling that most girls have had similar experiences like what you're talking about and we feel crap about ourselves and think that we're the bad ones because we were taken advantage of. I've had to forgive myself an hundred times or more for getting involved with the wrong guys, and yes, I've later found out that they were married sometimes. To be honest this is something I love about Middle Eastern culture, they really protect their women from arsehole men, Westerners see it as oppression (and yes it can be), but mostly the good intention is to protect their women. I could ramble about this forever, it is an area of passion for me, I love to celebrate how women are supposed to be if they are safe and protected. My rule for dating became "everyone is guilty until proven innocent", ie they're married. My honey took me to meet his family before we were even dating (good boy), and don't settle for someone who isn't lovely - sometimes the lovely guy is a bit boring, they say that a "bad boy" is for a girl what porn is for a guy, but they don't make good husbands or fathers. Ok, I will stop myself now because really this is an area I could talk about forever. xx

  5. Keep the sprit with u.