Don’t Let Someone Else Dictate Who You Are

I am nearly 31 years old.
When my mum was my age, she was married with three kids.
When I look around most of my friends are married with kids.
Some are even divorced with kids.
I don’t have a lot of single friends left that don’t have kids.
This isn’t a bad thing, but it makes me a teeny bit jealous.
Up until about 3 or so years I ago, I swore I’d never have kids. I didn’t think I’d be capable of changing nappies or cleaning up spew. I still don’t know if I’d be capable but I can’t imagine growing old and never have had a child.
Being overweight with low self esteem and low self confidence I assumed that I wouldn’t meet someone in real life and I turned to online dating.
At first I created rules for myself to keep me safe and to protect me.
I set rules like we had to be communicating on a regular basis for at least 4 weeks before I would meet someone. I also didn’t decline anyone’s request until I’d spoken to them.
Thanks to my rules I have met so many guys from Rockhampton that it made me doubt that there was someone for me.
I want someone who compliments me.
I am single, no baggage, have my own place, a good job and a lot of hobbies. I didn’t think it would be that hard.
It seems that time and time again I attract guys that either have none of the above or I attract guys already in a ring committed relationship, ie engaged/married. I am completely blown away by the amount of guys who are not committed in their relationships even when there is a ring involved and even when I catch them out they deny it.
Many times I’ve thought about contacting their better (obviously) halves to fill them in but I don’t want to cop the brunt of the fallout. I don’t want to be the ‘home wrecker’ or the ‘other woman’.
Each time this information has come to light, I’ve blamed myself. Each time I keep getting told it’s not my fault.
Guess what? It is my fault. Not that they treat me bad and the lie to me, but because I let it happen. On each of these occasions, I’ve had the gut feeling telling me not to go there. Each time I’ve ignored it and hoped for the best because ideally, the idea of being in a happy relationship was so grand that I didn’t even think for a second that I couldn’t make it work.
In the past I used to be able to justify their actions in two seconds flat, almost give them the permission to have done what they did.
Not this time.
I’ve changed.
I don’t deserve this. I am not going to stoop to your level.
When I first begun this journey I had such a low opinion of myself that I’m disgusted looking back. I can’t believe how I treated myself much less how I spoke about myself and what my thoughts were like.
I know there’d be at least one of you reading this post and thinking the same. Be strong. You can change. You have the power to be who you want to be. It took me a long time to realise this but now that I have I’m on the journey of a lifetime.
It’s not always easy. In fact most of the time it’s damn hard. This is where I’m grateful that I’ve made some awesome friends through 12WBT. They keep me honest and they keep me on my toes.
This post wasn’t going to be so honest when I started writing it. I had no intention of blurting so much out. So many people in my life have no idea of the above. In fact I’m almost certain that even some of the guys that I’ve dated that fall into the above category will read this. It’s amazing how small the world is.
The bottom line is:
You are you because you let yourself be. If you don’t like where you’re at, you have the power to change it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Take one step at a time and you will get there. This is not a race, this is your life, your journey – enjoy the scenery along the way and enjoy learning to love yourself. xo