For the last 5-8 years I've been using the excuse "it's because I'm fat" to get away with things.
It's because I'm too fat that I don't go out. It's because I'm too fat I can't get a better job. It's because I'm too fat I attract numpties. It's because I'm too fat I have no money.
One way or another, I could twist and manipulate that one excuse to fit whatever scenario I needed.
I spent my evenings coming up with intricate social plans so that if somebody invited me somewhere and I couldn't use the above excuse to get out of it, I'd find something else.
I didn't attend my ten year high school reuning. Why? I thought I was too fat.
I haven't kept in touch with some friends from school that mean more to me now than they realise. Why? I thought they'd be embarrassed by my size.
In hindsight, I've sacrificed a lot because of my own feelings about myself and my weight.
Now that's changing and I'm scared right outta my pants! I'm losing the weight, I'm regaining my figure and my confidence. My self esteem is on the rise. Now that I'm losing the ability to use my 'safety net' excuse, I'm going to have to start dealing with the underlying issues. I'm going to have to face the truth. I've got to admit, this is terrifying. If I don't succeed at something now, or if I don't attract the right kind of guys or anything else, I soon won't be able to use my weight as my excuse.
Then what?
I need to start taking a serious stocktake of what's in my life and what I do with it. I have a list of things that I'll do or become once I'm not fat. Ummm am I ready to conquer that list. Do I need to set some new goals perhaps?
In the midst of elation for what I've achieved and the anticipation of what the next round will bring, I now know that I will need to be digging deeper within to ensure that I become the person I want to be. I don't mean physically.
I'm also getting to know myself for the first time. I'm a strong, independant, single woman and I don't show emotion and I don't crumble easily. This can scare people off. Is this who I want to remain? All these changes are for me, so I know they'll be genuine and I know I'll do it.
I know they say the first step is hardest and Rome wasn't built in a day.
Either way, they both had a plan as to how it was going to happen.
I've always been very good at documenting and restructuring my plans and goals, but they seem to have been somewhat mislaid.
I between now and preseason for Round 2, I need to do some serious thinking. I need to look at establishing a new plan (because I wasn't prepared for the success Round 1 brought me), I need to set some new goals and make them more relative to my new lifestyle.
So many choices and so many options. I never for a second realised 6 months ago that today I would be a runner who blogs regularly and discussing this topic.
Just goes to show that you CAN do anything as long as you're ready to do it.
If anyone has any strategies they use, please feel free to comment as I'm sure I'm not the only one that's experienced these thoughts or feelings.
~~ On a side note, today is the first time I've smashed over 1000 calories in one session! Major triumph for me - it took close on 2 hours and 15 kms of jogging/walking. Enjoy the rest of your long weekend xo
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