How do you reward yourself?

This is a topic that rears its head more times than anything else in the war with your weight.
Typically it's the "I've done a workout, therefore I deserve a piece of cake" - I know you are nodding along sheepishly.
Has it ever crossed your mind that food rewards or treats are typically how we train our pets? We are humans, we can have other rewards that aren't calorie based. Have you got a reward system? Do you get a star for every workout and at the end of the month can you trade it in for a facial or something similar?
I used to be very big on food rewards. On a bad day, if you wave cheese in frontbof my face, I'll be your slave. This is a habit that I'm working on breaking.
I want to eat to survive not survive to eat.
So how am I breaking my cycle?  Well typically a Friday night would include take away food, a few drinks and a night on the couch.
These days I have my PT appointment on a Friday and I follow that up with a pamper session at home. It's now something I look forward to every week. Here's my proof:

That Crazy Four Letter Word

Love

What does it mean to you? How does it affect you? How much do you let it influence you?

I can guarantee you that every one of you reading this post will have a slightly different answer. We all think of love differently and it affects us all in many, many ways.

After my success in the first round of 2012, I expected to go offtrack for a few weeks. A time to let my head catch up to my body as I certainly wasn’t seeing the real me in the mirror. Nearly nine months on, I still haven’t moved from where I finished the first round.

No, before you start guessing, nine months is just a coincidence – I am NOT pregnant!!

This year I had one of the most amazing holidays. I travelled to Hawaii to celebrate my thirty-first birthday. Most people choose to celebrate their birthdays with loved ones but generally I have found that being single and around thirty, your friends have families etc and getting away can be hard for a night out. So to avoid the disappointment of being alone on my birthday I decided to make it count. I thought that putting all those km between me and those I know would give a reason as to why I’d be celebrating my birthday alone.

Funnily enough, distance doesn’t matter. I still felt alone.

I’d promised friends that I’d avoid dating sites due to many reasons, including, ending up with married men or even just dishonest men. Each time the truth came out it left me disappointed and more certain that I was doomed to be alone. However, on my birthday, as I was sitting in the diner next to my hotel watching all the couples walk past, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just jump online to find someone to chat to.

That’s where I met him. The guy who would play a major part in my life for nearly the next 6 months. He was amazing and we got along so well, we had heaps in common and he even lived in Rockhampton. We started chatting on a more regular basis and when I returned, I was only back in town a few days before we met face to face. The attraction was there and there were no awkward silences. I had no bad gut feelings and everything felt right. I was on top of the world. I’d lost weight, holidayed in Hawaii and met an awesome guy!

Out of courtesy of the guy mentioned above, I’m not going to give a lot of detail away, just the skeleton of the story.

Due to unplanned circumstances he ended up moving in with me in August and we became an instant defacto relationship.

Many people have described losing weight to me as an addiction that I have to quit. In hindsight, I wish I’d taken more of this advice aboard. I was still very weak and vulnerable.

To cut a long story short, in November, I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore due to many reasons both greater and lesser than the one mentioned above. Not many people knew that I had someone living with me. Not many people knew that I was dating someone. In fact as soon as someone told me I shouldn’t be in a relationship, I’d immediately respond that I wasn’t even when I was.

This has been one of the main reasons that I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been trying to respect his privacy whilst still trying to continue my journey with the hope that everything would work out.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes things just don’t?

Since the day that he left, upon my forceful request, I’ve been a mess. I’m very good at hiding things and only a few of you out there will know this but it’s consuming me and I need to let it out.

Throughout my journey I’ve heard the phrase “don’t eat your feelings, feel your feelings” over and over again without really understanding it. In the past only one other relationship has really ‘hit me’. I don’t know if that’s because emotions are heightened when you share your home with someone or because I’m finally at a stage where I can feel my emotions again. I am no longer suffocating these emotions with food of every type and colour. I am no longer binging.

 

I have spent endless hours crying, trying to analyse the situations. Why things happened and why I feel the way I do. Why did I make certain decisions?

This emotions stuff is a lot harder than I ever realised. Coping with emotions and hiding it from others is way, way harder than I realised.

I know they say love is worth it, but is it really? All this pain, anguish, sadness when it goes wrong, is it worth it?

These are the questions I’m now pondering. Wondering whether to just give up now. In the long run, it certainly seems the easier and least painful option.

So now it’s all off my chest and out there.

How Times Change

http://instagr.am/p/SpW3Ghw5cL/

Beam Me Up Scotty… or Scan Me

Okay, time to share another very exciting moment whilst I was on holidays.

I got my first ever Dexascan done! For those of you who don’t know what it is, google it! It’s a full body composition analysis and it definitely opens your eyes.

I actually wish I’d gone to the effort to get one done before I started this journey so I could track my progress by means other than the dreaded scales.

The Dexascan shows everything from bone density to lean body mass, to body fat percentage and a distribution image of where your fat is located. Although I’ve shared a lot of stuff with all my readers, I’m hesitant at revealing the whole report, but please see my picture below.

The red is the ‘lean me’ – that’s what I’m aiming for. I CAN get a gap between my legs so my thighs don’t rub!! I can no longer use “I have a large frame” as an excuse because I can see on this picture exactly where I’m at and where I can get to.

The lovely lady who did the Dexascan was also able to give me an indication of my upper and lower healthy weight range. My lower end sitting on approximately 76kg and my upper end at 89kg. That’s not much further to go weight wise. A lot closer than what I had anticipated.

Unfortunately there aren’t a lot of places in Queensland where you can get these done but I would highly recommend the one at Morningside – they were absolutely wonderful and for $88 I reckon it was worth every single cent!

Not really a pretty picture right now, but it gives me a clear goal to aim for. I have my next one booked in for February at the end of this round, so keep an eye out for the comparison :)

SuRpRiSe

What a week!

Finally I’m back to the land of normality after my whirlwind tour of Sydney.

Talk about an interesting experience.

Firstly, I’ve been very ‘hush hush’ over one event in particular.

I have participated in my first official photo shoot!! Yep, I had my pics taken for a magazine due to be released late January! Who would have thought that I’d ever be willing or confident enough to do this?

I have to put a special thank you out to Ms Sailor Vee  for organising this shoot. Also a huge thank you to the Shrinkers, Mish and Heather for an amazing day as well as the Joico Hair Team, the Make Up Team, our photographer and journalist.

Here are a few sneak pics from the day!

Finale Weekend Pics

Here are the random pics from the weekend that I wanted to share with you all!

2012 - Round 4 - ShinyNewCamilla - Day 1

Today it starts again. Another 12 weeks of sweat, blood and tears and this time I'm going to make it worth every second.

I've just come back from an absolutely magical weekend with some very amazing people. I am still in awe as to how lucky I am to have them in my life.

To give you a bit of an update as to what we got up to, I highly recommend you visit my dear friend's blog where she will give you the inside goss: http://sailorvee.com/

Apart from that we had an awesome group workout and a fantastic finale. Being around all these inspirational, sexy and confident women has given me the kick I need.

I can feel it. I want it. That's me baby!

So here goes. My final weight loss round. After this I'm hitting the lean and strong path to see where that will take me.

I've done my pre-season tasks. I've done my measurements. I need to do my fitness test, but I'm back on track.

My head is with me. My body is with me. I am strong and I own this.

I feel so powerful that I almost believe I deserve a theme song.

I can think of snippets out of so many songs I want to include - "RIP to the girl I used to be, her days are over" and "I'm sexy and I know it", hmmm there are so many more but those are the ones that immediately came out of the tips of my fingers as I tap the keys to the tunes above.

I don't think you can truly ever move anywhere on your journey until your head and your body are ready to go in the same direction - otherwise it's like being pulled in different directions that you generally just get frustrated and give up or rip yourself into pieces and go into meltdown mode. I nearly went in to meltdown mode last round.

This weekend I realised that 12WBT has become my addiction. I can't skip rounds. I have this neverending need to see what the weekly surprise is or who has done what. I get just as excited by everyone else's results as my own.

Anyway, this was just going to be a short post to show you my starting point for this round. If anyone is thinking about joining up that hasn't yet, please drop me a comment and I can send you a referral - if I get three referrals sign up in a round then I will win a brand new white polar!! Yay! I want one! I want one!!

The Dresses Which Didn't Make The Cut

Finale Dress Options for Sale

The link above is to the dresses that I bought for this finale but that I have decided I won't be wearing as I'm still not very good at picking my size.

Please have a look if you're a size 18 - or nearly there.

Definitely some bargains to be had.

I don't normally spam this sort of stuff, I just need to get rid of the dresses to pay for my Emazon workshops.

Day 3. Still on track. Really?

Surprisingly, I’m still on track. Yes, my calories were out on Monday but was fine yesterday and today I’m smashing an accelerator day. That’s right, no carbs, well, very limited carbs.

Although I’m extremely tired, I am feeling slightly calm and back in control. Could writing down what I consume really have that much effect? When I think back, I haven’t actively been using MFP for quite a while now. Seeing what others are doing and eating is just spurring me on.

I think I need to eat my words (lucky there’s no calories in them)…. I think I need this next round. It’s 12 months since my first lightbulb moment and my body and mind both seem to be ready for the next leg of the race. Now comes the next question, how can I squeeze $199 out of my budget between now and the 18^th November?

Nope, didn’t win enough on the horses to cover it, and before you ask, I didn’t spend $199 on the horses either.

Time for another eBay run I think. I just don’t know what I’ve got left to sell. That’s an excuse. I will find a way. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

So to reward myself for getting back on track I bought some MB One Active gear. Although still a little tight, I can squeeze into a sz 16. I've also realised that I hadn't been seeing myself quite as I am - I have always said and thought I had big boobs - apparently not, apparently it's just small lumps of fat. I apologise for the fuzziness of the photo – apparently my camera is dying but that’s not within the budget either….

Empty Promises and Wayward Plans

Monday morning. It’s here again. Finale is 2 weeks away.

Enough is enough, I’ve wasted enough of my own time and everyone else’s with the cr@p I’ve written on here. All these empty promises and wayward plans.

I’m back to basics.

Logging all food in MFP again.

Setting plans for the week, like a to do list to ensure I don’t miss anything and I give myself the best chance at success possible.

I’m back to salads. Salads and protein. I’m going to kick the hell out of these last two weeks.

I am currently a borderline size 16/18. It all comes down to the brand and the cut.

I want to be a size 16 by finale.

I NEED to be a size 16 by finale.

I have some One Active outfits that I purchased last week and they feel a little tight.

I want them to fit comfortably by finale. I need them to fit comfortably by finale.

Do you ever commit to something and then get yourself so worked up over it that when you realise there might be a possibility that you can’t follow through it sends you down a spiral so fast you think Movieworld might want to create the ride and name it after you?

That’s how I feel.

By now this will all be sounding rather cryptic and out there.

Isn’t that half the fun of reading a blog? Anticipating the next post, the next chapter, wondering what’s going to happen next? Half planning it in your head how you would react and what you would do?

So what are the key ingredients to my back to basics to reclaim this round?

Water. Lots and lots of water. For me to drink, not to bathe in. I commit to 3L per day.

High protein, high vegetable content diet. I commit to 1200 calories per day and eating 100% clean.

Exercise. Yep, I’m not doing enough of it. I commit to going overboard and doing daily 1200 calorie burns.

This is only a short term ramp up to kick start the weight loss again.

Then I will drop it back to the recommended amounts to keep the weight loss sustainable.

If anyone else has any other tips on how to look hot in lycra and not like some bubble wrapped piece of pork that’s been strung way too tight, then please put me out of my misery and share the secret.

I think it's also time to give you some updated photos - I'll get them taken and upload asap.

Indigestion. Indecision. What plagues you?

I never meant to take my journey public. My blog was my way to 'release my demons' to allow me to conquer the war on obesity within my skin. Once I started getting feedback, it was like a drug. The more I wrote, the more comments I received, the more it spurred me on.
Initially this was my main form of support. This is still a very big part of my support network.
How many of you know what support actually means? What's your interpretation?
Is it eating an entire packet of chips but leaving the chip bag in the rubbish bin? You ate it all so it's no like it'll be a temptation, right?
Do you see support as punishment? I have to support you but that means punishing myself? Do you throw around comments like "I can't eat potato bake because I support you"?
Do you struggle to look outside the box and only ever draw the first conclusion that comes to your mind?
A lot of questions.
I'm sure there are more and I'm sure that if we asked 20 people these exact questions we'd get 20 different answers.
The addiction to food is not to be taken lightly. It's not illegal and is readily available no matter what your age, sex or gender may be.
Do you think eating disorders only cover anorexia and bulimia? Have you ever though that there are other eating disorders? Can you name them? Do you know someone who might be suffering from one?
I read an interesting story the other day. It was written by a young female and I can't remember whether it was in a magazine or in an online blog, but neither bulimia nor anorexia inhibited her body. Her coping mechanism was laxatives. The mentality went along the lines of "if I eat bad, I'll just take a laxative or three to pass it through". I never would have thought of that as a disorder.
I guess it all comes down to the context.
I have a very big event in just under 3 weeks. I see no change in the mirror. I feel no change within.
When I first started this journey, I found losing weight came easy. Well easy isn't the best word, but I knew what to do, I did it and I saw results.
Now that's not the case. I do what I've done all along but I see no results. When I see no results, I turn to food. I know, I know, wrong answer Camilla. What the hell are you doing?!
I haven't gained weight since last round. I haven't lost it either. I have become stronger, I am losing cm, I am improving fitness but the scales aren't changing.
A question that has crossed my mind is whether or not emotional baggage is holding me back - is it adding unwanted kilograms to the scales each week. How can I let go? How can I move on?
I'm still on this rollercoaster and I still struggle now and then. Sometimes I want to talk about it but mostly I don't. Mostly I want to ignore it and pretend everything is okay and that I'm slim and happy. Do you ever feel like this?

A Midsummer’s Milestone

Dress: Summer Cocktail

Ever had one of those invites where just reading the words makes you more nervous than excited? That’s how I feel whenever I open the email that states the 12wbt finale tickets are now available for purchase.

As an obese person simply existing, fashion was not important, nor was learning what styles ‘suit’ me or how to interpret dress codes.

I’ve learnt 4 languages, and fashion is not one of them.

To me, pears, apples and oranges are fruits – I have no idea how they became body types. Am I elongated? Am I top or bottom heavy? I thought my weight was pretty evenly proportioned. It’s like walking in to a minefield.

I love travelling away to catch up with all the girls, I love the group workout, and I looove getting ready for the big event. The big event in itself still terrifies me. I’m not comfortable there.

In the past I’ve booked my tickets and had buyer’s remorse in the weeks leading up to it. This time I’m contemplating not buying my ticket immediately and if they sell out, then I guess that’s a sign that I wasn’t meant to go. Hmmmm doesn’t sound quite right but it’s what I’m ‘flowing’ with at the moment. I don’t have the money to buy the ticket till payday anyway, so I guess that’s the way it’s going to have to be. I’ll reassess the situation again next Wednesday.

In the meantime, if anyone has any thoughts on a dress that would suit me that matches the theme, please, pretty please post the link here so I can check it out.

If anyone reading this is a stylist - please leave me a comment if you can help me work out what suits me.

Thanks all – have a great weekend and smash up some calories!!

Enter Sandman. Please?

I am so tired.

I know that to lose weight there are some ingredients which are critical for the recipe of success.

These ingredients include water, nutritious food, minerals and vitamins (commonly found it your nutritious food) and SLEEP.

I’ve drunk over 2L of water already, a teapot of green tea and I’ve munched down breakfast, morning tea and afternoon tea (yep, it’s not even lunchtime) and I’m still feeling hungry.

I know the underlying reason will be my tiredness.

Oh, I forgot to mention – one big take-away cup of long black coffee.

My eyelids are heavy. I’m doing some mundane, repetitive tasks at work which isn’t helping.

If there were pretzels in the vending machine I’d be a ‘goner’, but there isn’t so I’m safe. For now. The temptation to get something else is still there – ideally matchsticks to hold my eyes open but they don’t sell them.

I hate having so much coffee in one day but looks like I’ve left myself no option. Only other option is to walk/drive to the shop but I’m not sure how strong my willpower is there.

Time to suck it up and JFDI. Keep working, drink water and forget food. Better planning required for tomorrow.

Oh and yes, I was weak – lol- but did you know Burgermen only have 606kj, that’s 144 calories, less than 1g sugar per serve. Yep there are a lot of artificial flavours/colours but I’m desperate.

It’s All About Attitude

What a strong starting point. How we travel on each of our individual journeys depends greatly on our attitude.

Is the glass half empty? Half full?

Do you always look on the bright side?

Does every cloud have a silver lining?

Pessimism sucks the life right out of me these days. Negative people with victim mentalities frustrate me.

Don’t complain about results you didn’t get by work you didn’t do.

We all have a choice. Our attitude is a choice. Choose your attitude and you can achieve almost anything.

Did you know that when talking to animals, it’s not as much what you say, but rather how you say it. It’s like talking to people who don’t understand your language. If you keep calm, speak slowly in a nice voice, most people will make a positive interpretation. If you raise your voice, wave your finger around in the air, most will assume you are aggressive and the words are irrelevant.

What message do you put across when you talk to people? Does this change depending on who you’re talking to?

I’ve had some rather ‘heated discussions’ of late because I’m not used to the raising of the voice or pointing of fingers and it irks me. I don’t really care what the words are, but those actions alone get me angry, and then I respond accordingly. Looking back, I believe nearly all the discussions could have been handled better by all parties involved. I don’t believe in making things personal unless  there is absolutely no other way to do it. I also believe in putting all cards on the table.

I’m naturally a negotiator. This means that if an outcome or situation is not to my liking, I will more than likely negotiate a more suitable outcome or I will negotiate myself out of it all together. This applies to both my personal and professional life.

This means at times, people might think what I’m doing makes me a door mat. In fact some people interpret it as being a doormat and they then start to treat me like that.

I’m not a doormat. I am not void of feeling.

Just because words hurt me and I don’t automatically react flailing my arms around hysterically, doesn’t mean it’s okay.

I choose my attitude. Lately I’ve forgotten to choose and I’ve just taken on whatever attitude has been floating around. This hasn’t proved to be the best way for me to manage things. I choose to get up in the morning smiling and looking forward to the day regardless of whether it’s Monday or Saturday. I choose to make the most out of my day. I choose to communicate with those I care about. I choose not to get angry when someone cuts me off, because what does that prove? Does it change what happened?

The old adage – There’s no point in crying over spilt milk.

So, so true. Don’t get upset by things you can’t control. Yes, death and illness will always upset us, but don’t let anything else do it. Control your emotions, control your feelings and choose your attitude. Try it for a few days and see how you go – my world is definitely better for it.

If you get up and don’t feel like smiling, do it anyway, even just for the first hour. You’ll find that once you do, you’ll be smiling all day. Fake it till you make it. It’s amazing the power a single smile can have.

‘Cause that’s how I roll!

I feel I’m in a similar frame of mind that first led me to sign up for 12wbt towards the end of last year.

I don’t know exactly how I brought this on or if it has something to do with the major release of emotion I’ve had through my last couple of blog posts but finally the penny has dropped or the ball is rolling or whatever you’d like to call it.

I’ve slipped back to my ‘scale addict’ habits and I’ve been tapping the scales every day since my “cider realisation” and every day the numbers have dropped. I’m still consuming 1200 calories per day and I’m trying to get out and move about most days.

It’s like a snowball effect. You see a small change, so you try harder to make the change bigger and then when it happens, you’re super motivated to push that little bit further.

That’s how I roll at the moment.

I’m stoked. Actually, ecstatic is a more appropriate word. I wish I knew how I got here, but once again I’m as clueless as I was last year. I’m not going to fight it to work out how or why, because I’m too scared I’ll lose it.

With that in mind, I applied for leave for Sydney finale and a trip to Brisbane – it’s like the stars are all aligned – within 20 minutes it was all approved. Accommodation has already been reserved, so now it’s time to book flights and ensure I still have the $$ to pay for the room once I get there.

I haven’t even started thinking about a dress yet as I’m not sure how that will fit into the budget. Another downside to cramming so many 12wbt rounds into a year.

Now that I’m back on a roll I’m not sure whether it’ll be a slow and steady loss or whether my body will do a bit of a purge to begin with, so I’m not sure what size I’ll be by Sydney. It’s 6 weeks away. I’m assuming that will be at least a size if not two.

I Don’t Give You Permission

If you have an issue – I don’t give you permission to make it mine.

If you have preconceived ideas – I don’t give you permission to make them mine.

If you don’t like who I am, what I do and how I do it, then the solution is simple.

Leave.

I haven’t chained you to my life. I haven’t enslaved you to be part of my life. It is your choice to be there or not. I welcome your presence, your being, your input and your thoughts.

I don’t welcome your pessimism, your negativity or your victim mentality. If you have nothing better to do then push me down and suck the energy out of me, then I don’t have time for you.

Someone can only bring you down if you let them. If you don’t let their actions or words penetrate your personal space, then they hold no power over you.

This covers all aspects of your life. I am worth it. You are worth it.

I’m not saying that you need to scrap people in your life as soon as they have a bad day, but if they are always negative and every time you speak to them you leave the interaction feeling exhausted, then maybe it’s time that you check and see whether it’s a healthy person to have around.

There’s an old saying, I’m not quite sure how it goes, but it’s along the lines of ‘you need to surround yourself with those who you would like to be more like’. This means that if you want to be healthy, you need to hang around healthy people. Being the only healthy one in a group of couch potatoes is draining and is using up your positive energy which could be so better focussed elsewhere.

This goes the same for all aspects of your life. It is YOUR life. It is MY life. People will come and go in your lives and they will all have a purpose or reason for touching on your life. Some of the reasons will be positive, some negative and some will leave you wondering why.

Don’t let anyone take you down or tell you what you are or aren’t if it’s not nice. Don’t grant them permission to have a negative effect on your life. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of others’ issues.

Now before you all start doing self-audits, this post is not aimed at anyone. This is how I feel and it’s taken me a long time to realise that I actually have to give someone permission to bring me down. If I don’t let their words or actions affect me then I am in control.

This topic may have been sparked from a certain television episode last night ;)

Be careful with whom you grant your permissions to…

xx

Eating clean, working out and the scales aren't budging?

This has been my dilemma for a little while. Yes, I have snuck in some treats here and there, but I’ve done that before and still managed to lose weight.

This morning I jumped on the scales so gain a better understanding of what I could expect at weigh in tomorrow. A gain? Why do I even bother? This is a joke! What the hell is going on??

This morning I had my beans on multigrain toast, standard 255 calorie serve. I had my multivitamins and every other supplement under the sun – scanned them all in, only an additional 10 calories. I was determined to work out what on earth was going on.

I arrive at work, and obviously my morning coffee has started to kick in as I’m starting to think logically again. What has been different for the last 6-8 weeks, what’s changed? It didn’t take me long before the light bulb went on.

In the last 6-8 weeks I’d changed from drinking Skinny Girl Cosmos at half strength with soda water to drinking Rekorderlig Strawberry & Lime Cider. Now I still say the cider is my favourite drink by far, and yes, I’ve enjoyed every single bottle. As the cider is imported from Sweden it doesn’t have a nutritional label on it. Each time I had one I thought about how many could be in there but because it wasn’t written, and at the times I never looked it up, I kept drinking them.

Let’s have a look at the calorie comparison…

1 Glass Skinny Girl Cosmo (50ml) + Soda                 = 37 calories

1 Bottle Strawberry & Lime Cider                           = 315 calories

Whoa! What a difference! I’m not dumb, so why hasn’t this crossed my mind? Yesterday was project day – I wanted my veggie garden in and had to get some sort of order to my veranda, I spent all day moving about doing stuff, but I undid all that work with 3 cider stubbies at the end of the day! What a complete waste!!

As I think back over the last 6-8 weeks I would have consumed somewhere around 20 stubbies I think. So that equates to 6300 of extra calories whereas if I had stuck with my original drink, I’d be looking somewhere in the vicinity of 740-750 calories. That is roughly the equivalent of just two cider stubbies. Hello weight gain!

Now that I’ve made this discovery – which I shouldn’t have been surprised at and I should have known – I can go about making the changes I need to really finish this round on a high. No more cider till Christmas. Back to Skinny Girl Cosmos and even then, limiting them.

Punishment. The one word everyone tells me to stay clear of. Own it, work it through and move on is the general mantra. I believe in punishment. I’ve done the wrong thing, therefore if I want my great results in shorter time I have to be punished. Well it’s not really punishment as I’m heading towards my own goals.

I have 6 weeks to remove 12kg from my body or I will not be attending Sydney finale. I am not going to pay money  for a dress and accommodation etc to go down there without any changes. I felt bad enough in Perth, not doing it again. Time to be more vigilant and keep on top of this. I will check in tomorrow but it will be with a heavy heart as the disappointment was self-sabotage caused by me.

1133 by 1242

It's 12.42pm.

I've just finished lunch. (12WBT Mexican Shepherds Pie + Veggies 300 cals)
I also ate breakfast this morning. (2 x Toast with Baked Beans 260 cals)
I ate my morning tea. (Container of Celery 28 cals )
I ate the slice my colleague gave me. (Yummy raspberry slice 275 cals (minimum))
I've just inhaled my afternoon tea too. (Raspberries on Greek Yoghurt 150 cals)
Oh and did I mention a muesli bar? (Natural Grains 120 cals)

That's 1133 calories consumed before 1pm.

Seriously, what the hell is going on with me? Even when I am hungry I normally have some self control. My only bonus is that I haven't hit the vending machines, but if they had pretzels when I went out there before I can guarantee I would have bought them.

**sigh**
Not a good day….

Seriously?!

With everything that’s been going on, I’ve slipped back to old habits. No, eating has been okay, exercise has been okay but neither have been great.

I’ve been using every excuse under the sun.

It’s too cold.

It’s too hot.

It’s too early.

It’s too late.

I can’t be bothered.

I don’t have time.

Who gave the excuses permission to come back? Why am I resorting to old bad habits?

Seriously?!

I’ve spent the better part of this year banishing excuses from my life, erasing the victim mentality that is so common these days and trying to build new and better habits. Have I seriously undone all this work in a matter of weeks?

Yep, I’m struggling. There’s no point hiding it or sugar coating it or giving it another name. With every post I write I feel focussed, back in control and like I’m on the verge of success again. Then by the time night falls it’s like it’s all forgotten.

I could blame this on having so-called friends accuse me of not being a friend, I could blame this on job uncertainties, I could blame this on budget constraints, hell I could blame this on the weather. Regardless of what is happening in my life, there is neither excuse nor reason for not looking after myself. Convincing me that there they’re valid is only deceiving myself.

This is the part of the post where I would normally promise to move the world and re-align the stars and change everything but quite frankly, I’m sick of not delivering on my promises. I will continue to work towards being able to be honest and committed but no more promises are to be made and broken.

If anyone else has gone through this and been successful, I would greatly appreciate your input….

Riding the Wave of Uncertainty

I’m a self-admitted control freak. If I’m not in control, I’m out of control.

I’m a planner. I plan everything.

I’m a goal setter. I set goals for the immediate short term, the mid-term and long term.

I love surprises. Well, I love them even more when I know what they are without the other person suspecting I know.

At the moment I’m at an uncertain time in my life.

Job cuts are imminent under this government and we can already see the positions disappearing from government departments that were once thought of as safe houses. I know they are targeting analysts as the government is analyst heavy. I’m an analyst. I don’t know what my future holds or where my future will take me. I am not in control and I cannot control this.

What I can control is how I react to it. Every single one of us has choices in life that relate to how we react to certain events, incidents or anything really. Most people haven’t ever thought about it. They just jump in and do what they’ve always done without question. As an analyst, that’s not me. I tend not to stress about things that I have little or no control over unless it affects me personally, directly.

My job is personal, but it’s not the only job I have, nor are my skills so limited that I’d never be able to do anything different. The changes ahead aren’t necessarily bad as most presume. They say change is as good as a holiday. It might give me the push to pursue new and alternate dreams which I once thought were far away on the horizon.

Uncertainty.

It brings about a flurry of thoughts and emotions. A lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘what nots’ float aimlessly through the air encouraging confusion and unsettling nerves. I can feel the general mood in the room has changed, there is nervous chatter and half fake smiles.

Choice.

I choose to not get caught up in it. I’m still working away at my set task, not knowing if the task itself will be redundant before the day is finished. I choose to focus on the bigger things I’ve got going on. These bigger things include my weight loss journey, my goals and in general my life. Yes, a job is necessary to fund these journeys, but it doesn’t specify that it must be the current job I’m in right now. I am not jumping the gun and making plans to leave because I don’t know if that’s what will happen. In fact all I am going to do is ride this wave of uncertainty.

This is not the way I would have handled this scenario had it happened a year or so ago. This is not the way a lot of people are expecting me to handle it.

I’ve already been in touch to find out what my options are when it comes to mortgages, debts etc and I’m fine. I’m not losing my health, I’m not losing my house nor my car. All it will be is a change.

Notice how I keep repeating that? It’s because it’s what I believe and I need to keep reinforcing that so I don’t get swept up by it all.

No matter what it is you are facing in life, no matter the obstacle or the situation, you have a choice. You can choose how to react. Your reacting will in turn dictate how that choice affects you and whether  you make it into a big deal or not. Your reaction will also affect how those around you react to it. Emotions are contagious – you can influence others without realising it.

So next time you’re faced with change or adversity or anything at all, pause, think about how you’re going to react before you do. It’s amazing the difference it makes.

Veggie Gardens!!!!!!!!!!

After years of lusting for my very own thriving veggie patch the dream is now so close to becoming a reality that I can smell it!

Gardening is the one thing that can relax me and make me happy without any human interaction what-so-ever. There’s something about playing in the soil, getting all down and dirty with nature that’s so…..so…… I can’t even think of the words to describe it. It’s heavenly. It makes me feel complete to know that what I am doing is creating new growing things in this world albeit only plants.

I love nurturing the seeds and celebrating when the seedlings finally break through the soil surface. Guiding the small green stalks and feeding them nutrients and water to enable them to bear fruit is just magical.

My dream has always been to live in a big house on a decent slice of land with a fruit orchard, a veggie patch that would see me fully self-sufficient when it came to fruit and vege. I’ve started with a few citrus trees and my first patch goes down this weekend.

I’ve decided to go against the traditional methods of growing veggies and further explore Square Foot Gardening. Square Foot Gardening works on a base principle that you should only grow what you require to minimise waste and maximise variety. It’s quite an interesting concept and I urge you to research it if you want to pursue your own veggie patch.

So I’ve bought my 1.2m x 1.2m raised timber garden bed kit from Bunnings and also a Crop Cage by the same dimensions to protect my babies from pests. I’ve got some soil at home but I will be picking up some organic compost etc to ensure that it’s of a high quality – did you know there’s actually a soil recipe for SFG?! Who would have known hey?

Does anyone out there have any experience with Square Foot Gardening? At this time of year in Central Queensland, what do you recommend I plant? I would love to hear as many experiences as possible so we can all learn from each other :D

Swaussie!!! Swaussie!!! Swaussie!!! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Today is a very special day for me. It’s my 10 year anniversary since gaining Australian Citizenship. I currently hold dual citizenship and I’m so proud to be what I call a ‘Swaussie’ – More Aussie than Swedish, but both nationalities occupy my heart the same.

Anyone who has spoken to me will know that my accent is long gone and if anything I have a bit of an Aussie twang thanks to spending many years in regional Queensland where slang and colloquialism are more common than in our capital counterparts.

With my Swedish heritage, one would assume that I would be tall, slender with magical blue eyes and long blonde hair. After all it’s in my genes, right? In my family, I am the only one in this constant battle with my weight. My parents, brother and sister are all in healthy weight ranges. They don’t require strict regimes.  Sometimes there’s a pang of jealousy there but then I realise that I’d much rather be me than someone else.

I’m a by-product of multi-culturalism, I belong everywhere but I don’t really “feel” like I belong anywhere. I can talk to most people and very rarely do I not get along with someone. I have a wide circle of friends/acquaintances but how many would turn up in a crisis? That I’m not entirely sure. 

However, just as the numbers on the scales don’t define me, I also don’t define myself by the actions or lack of actions on behalf of others. In the last few years I always assumed that I needed others to complete me.  I am the only one who can complete me.

Since becoming my own best friend rather than my own best enemy, my body and my soul have taught me so much about myself. What I can and can’t tolerate, what I will and won’t tolerate and also what I’m looking for in life. No, I don’t have all the answers and no, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up except that I want to be me whatever that entails.

Speaking of doing things for me, last night I submitted my request to reduce my hours at job #2. Admittedly only by 100 hours per year, but I shuffled hours so that I can get one whole weekend off per month. As much as I’d like to cut down further, it’s imperative that I continue to allow me to reach my financial goals in a more timely manner. I can’t wait till it takes effect and I can enjoy a weekend again – perhaps even visit some friends I’ve been neglecting.

So today is going to be very much a red flag day. I’m at the pub for lunch, Hogs Breath for dinner and I’m getting taken out to dinner again tomorrow night. Thank goodness I’ve got PT tonight – I’m sure Chris will make me work for it!!

So for all you rednecks out there – not all immigrants are bad, don’t paint them all with the same brush!