I never meant to take my journey public. My blog was my way to 'release my demons' to allow me to conquer the war on obesity within my skin. Once I started getting feedback, it was like a drug. The more I wrote, the more comments I received, the more it spurred me on.
Initially this was my main form of support. This is still a very big part of my support network.
How many of you know what support actually means? What's your interpretation?
Is it eating an entire packet of chips but leaving the chip bag in the rubbish bin? You ate it all so it's no like it'll be a temptation, right?
Do you see support as punishment? I have to support you but that means punishing myself? Do you throw around comments like "I can't eat potato bake because I support you"?
Do you struggle to look outside the box and only ever draw the first conclusion that comes to your mind?
A lot of questions.
I'm sure there are more and I'm sure that if we asked 20 people these exact questions we'd get 20 different answers.
The addiction to food is not to be taken lightly. It's not illegal and is readily available no matter what your age, sex or gender may be.
Do you think eating disorders only cover anorexia and bulimia? Have you ever though that there are other eating disorders? Can you name them? Do you know someone who might be suffering from one?
I read an interesting story the other day. It was written by a young female and I can't remember whether it was in a magazine or in an online blog, but neither bulimia nor anorexia inhibited her body. Her coping mechanism was laxatives. The mentality went along the lines of "if I eat bad, I'll just take a laxative or three to pass it through". I never would have thought of that as a disorder.
I guess it all comes down to the context.
I have a very big event in just under 3 weeks. I see no change in the mirror. I feel no change within.
When I first started this journey, I found losing weight came easy. Well easy isn't the best word, but I knew what to do, I did it and I saw results.
Now that's not the case. I do what I've done all along but I see no results. When I see no results, I turn to food. I know, I know, wrong answer Camilla. What the hell are you doing?!
I haven't gained weight since last round. I haven't lost it either. I have become stronger, I am losing cm, I am improving fitness but the scales aren't changing.
A question that has crossed my mind is whether or not emotional baggage is holding me back - is it adding unwanted kilograms to the scales each week. How can I let go? How can I move on?
I'm still on this rollercoaster and I still struggle now and then. Sometimes I want to talk about it but mostly I don't. Mostly I want to ignore it and pretend everything is okay and that I'm slim and happy. Do you ever feel like this?