I’m not sure what happened this morning. I certainly didn’t wake up at the time my alarm was set. I woke up an hour later. This put me on the course of tardiness. I was late getting everything done, including arriving at work.
Once I’d arrived, I realised I hadn’t packed my nutritional lunch, I had lunch, but no veggies to go with it, no morning tea, no afternoon tea – bugger. Then I also realised I needed to fill the fuel up this morning, goodness knows how much is left in the tank or how far it’ll get me. To say I was flustered was an understatement.
Today is Wednesday. Most of you will probably question that statement, but I know my 12wbt buddies won’t. Wednesday is the day to jump on the scales and accept your fate. The scales weren’t kind to me. They weren’t nasty either, but I had been hoping for a decline in numbers. I need to see that decline so badly to keep going. Still weigh 108kg. No gain. No loss.
I’ve been told that at least it’s not a gain, and don’t worry about it. Well I do. I do worry about it. I am obese. That’s an unhealthy weight. I have fat that I need to shed. Tonight is also my bootcamp assessment. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel stepping on the scales with little to no change. Having to explain it all again. I hope if nothing else that maybe I’ve discarded some cm, maybe my fitness has improved. Just any sign, any positive sign to spur me on.
Today is my seventh day of taking the medication. Some days I feel like it’s already improving and then days like today make me question it all. I know I have to give it at least four weeks, so that’s what I’ll do. I hope I’m over these ‘spats’ by then because they’re so exhaustive and counter-productive.
Today I’ve got 39 days till Fiji. I am scared and excited. I am scared that I will be over there at a whopping 108kg. I am scared that I won’t fit in my swimmers. I am scared that I’ll be excluded from doing things that I want to do because of my size. I am excited about exploring a new country and I’m excited about taking Fijian cooking lessons. I am excited to be staying at Sonaisali and I’m excited about the mud baths.
Outside the rain is pouring and reminding me of how much I’d rather be at home watching Hart of Dixie episodes, or painting or knitting. Anything really. Something enjoyable, something relaxing. I’d just about kill for a good coffee or a good hot chocolate right now but I’m all out. With the rain, I’m not going on an adventure across to Coles to grab some more.
Apologies for this disjointed post. I’m not quite myself today. I’m struggling with every concept of me, every angle.