For the first time in a long time I’ve been consistent.
Today marked the fifteenth day on antidepressants. When I got up this morning and saw that my first sheet was gone and it was time for my second it made me think. I thought about how I used to feel, I thought about how I feel now and I wondered if I felt any different.
The mere fact that it took forty-five minutes to pull myself out of bed should have given me the answer. I still have sad days. I now also have angry days. I’ve had a few in the last week and for no reason at all. It’s amazing that this body that I’m enclosed is able to do so much, control so much without me consciously doing so.
This week I have also been hungry. I’m not sure if it’s boredom, or the fact I need a break, but it’s getting worse. A very wise person once said to me that antidepressants don’t hold calories to make me put on weight – how true is that! They don’t. Yet I thought of them as an excuse. The only reason for me to be eating is because I haven’t been consuming enough nutrients. There’s been junk or incomplete meals passing my lips. They’ve been momentarily satisfying, but not really nurturing my body.
The other major difference I’ve noticed is sleep. I crave a lot more of it these days. I get a lot more of it these days too. I’ve downloaded an app called SleepBot that tracks your sleep and sleep debt. I have found that this helps me immensely take a conscious step to be more aware of what my body needs. Especially now as I’m trying to heal and recuperate.
All of this was flurry-ing through my head this morning and I decided that no, I hadn’t really noticed a difference in the last fortnight. That’s okay though as the doctor had warned me to allow at least four weeks till it will start balancing out the chemical imbalances that exist within.
In another four weeks I will be flying to Fiji. It scares the hell out of me as I don’t know whether the medication will have fully kicked in by then. I get told it will, but I don’t know for certain. I’m not sure if it’s something I need to disclose or how to handle it. I’ve never had to worry about flying with medication before, this will be my first and that, to me, is strange.
So in fourteen days I took fourteen little green and white pills to help my body balance out what it can’t do itself. To date I see no change but I will persevere. I’m no quitter, I only quit the negativity in my life.
Oh and if Natasha reads this – my abs are so sore from Wednesday! I feel like I have a six pack trying to escape the protective layer of fat on my gut!