My trip to Hawaii has been amazing for so many wonderful and quirky reasons but so far, one stands out way more than any other.
Whilst I've been hidden beneath layers of fat, I've also hidden myself. When Istarted on this journey I never thought I'd be succesful and I never thought I'd learn so much.
When Iwas younger I was happy, I knew who I was and I had friends. As I gained the kilos I pushed everything far from me. The less people I associated with, the more I could lie and make up stuff about my life.
I'd created myself an alibi, almost like a Clark Kent had Superman, but I was no superhero. I created a life full of events to save me from interacting with the real world - instead I sat at home feeding my lonliness and desperation with food.
Those of you who have known me for a long time, this will come as a complete shock to you. I know it will because those who I have confided this to have been completely blown away. The web I weaved was so intricate that it'd be hard to find a hole in it.
So what's changed?
This trip to Hawaii has come about for so many reasons that I'm choosing not to divulge at this point, but the important thing is that I'm here.
At first, I cautiously entered a few stores for a peek, barely stepping my foot inside the door. Each tour I took, I started out shy and revealed myself little by little. Before long I found myself sharing my greatest fears with complete strangers. This sounds a bit full on but actually started as I headed up Diamond Head Crater, when the feeling of claustrophobia set in, I felt the need to justify and make myself out not to be the fool so I confessed my weight loss journey. The group I was with was amazed and they started giving me suggestions of places I need to visit and things I needed to do in Hawaii. This was like an instant confidence boost.
Then, after curiously walking through Victoria Secret in awe for several days in a row, a lady finally asked if I was looking for anything, without hesitation, I announced I was browsing. She didn't stop there, she asked if I'd ever bought anything from VS before. I told her that VS didn't cater for those my size. Before you knew it she'd measured me up and to my surprise they stocked my size. For the first time in what feels like forever I wanted to try things on. The salesgirls were having a ball helping me and I walked out with two bright coloured sports bras and VS panties. Walking down the street with my bright pnk VS bag was like wearing a Mickey Mouse badge at school. I felt on top of the world. All of a sudden I wanted to go into every store and the more stores I went in to, the more I wanted to know what my style was. Make up no longer looked like war paint and I wanted some, oh and heels, how glorious do they look. Now that I'm on my way down, I can start wearing heels again.
I felt like I was shedding old skin and coming alive. It was refreshing and exhausting all at the same time. This is my second major lightbulb moment in less than 12 months.
On top of that, based on my way in prior to my departure, I have less than 20kg to go till I'm at normal weight. That's a major motivator. I'm attaching some pics of me from my holiday to date. I am so excited on embarking on my next chapter!!