Impossible or I'm Possible….

I'm back in the country and back at home and still feeling very relaxed. Today was my first day back at work, and quite simply, when you've been on holidays, it's easy to forget how long 8 hours actually are.
Normally a day at work is nothing special but today I felt great about it. The gang got me a beautiful bunch of flowers as a belated birthday present for me as I'd escaped overseas for my birthday. Flowers is enough to make any day great.
Now my last post was quite a 'world changing' one for me and part of me expected the feelings of this to have worn off by now and for me to be back to my normal self, but nope, it appears that's not the way it's meant to be.
I'm feeling relaxed, focussed and more determined than ever to improve myself. I'm also completely at peace with it, yep, I no longer loate myself or the body I'm kept within. I'm quite happy about that, it certainly makes living a lot easier. I can look in the mirror and actually see a true reflection and although I know I've got some way to go, I'm not completely disgusted with it either.
This morning I even straightened my hair and popped on some mascara before going to work - it's amazing how a little bit of effort on the outside makes you feel on the inside.

Today starts the rest of your life. How many times had I heard that? Well it's now a mantra that I live by and love by. I ensure I live each day to the max and that I embrace all that happens around me. This holiday should have happened long before now so I could really be living my life already, but then the question appears as to was I ready to know this before now?
So what now? I've started my food schedule and workout schedule again, time to get serious about results. Warrior Dash is coming quicker than I'm ready for and it's time to grab the bull by its horns. I've made enquiries about PTs and this time I think I'll be hiring 2 different ones to get the maximum I can out of it. I'm also more energised and ready to plant my herbs and set up my veggie patch. All of a sudden it seems all of my dreams are possible - and so they should be. As long as we plan, set little goals and work towards them, we're always moving closer to them. Persistance and consistency is the key.
So for those of you wondering, yes I did gain weight whilst overseas. I weighed in at 98.1kg yesterday so 3.3kg gain. I'm glad I was as active as I was or there could have been disaster. I'm confident that some of that is fluid retention and I expect to see a more accurate reading next Wednesday when I'm back into the swing of things. Especially now I'm back on 2L water a day + green tea and peppermint tea.
I've also decided to completely declutter my house and clean it up. Time to throw stuff out that hasn't been seen or touched in a long time. I've read that if your car and house is cluttered, you'll feel cluttered inside, so now is the time for the big cleanse.
Speaking of cleanse - time for me to stop procrastinating and start cleaning.
**hint, hint** This is your cue to get off your bum and do something :)

Introducing Me to Myself

My trip to Hawaii has been amazing for so many wonderful and quirky reasons but so far, one stands out way more than any other.

Whilst I've been hidden beneath layers of fat, I've also hidden myself. When Istarted on this journey I never thought I'd be succesful and I never thought I'd learn so much.

When Iwas younger I was happy, I knew who I was and I had friends. As I gained the kilos I pushed everything far from me. The less people I associated with, the more I could lie and make up stuff about my life.

I'd created myself an alibi, almost like a Clark Kent had Superman, but I was no superhero. I created a life full of events to save me from interacting with the real world - instead I sat at home feeding my lonliness and desperation with food.

Those of you who have known me for a long time, this will come as a complete shock to you. I know it will because those who I have confided this to have been completely blown away. The web I weaved was so intricate that it'd be hard to find a hole in it.

So what's changed?

This trip to Hawaii has come about for so many reasons that I'm choosing not to divulge at this point, but the important thing is that I'm here.

At first, I cautiously entered a few stores for a peek, barely stepping my foot inside the door. Each tour I took, I started out shy and revealed myself little by little. Before long I found myself sharing my greatest fears with complete strangers. This sounds a bit full on but actually started as I headed up Diamond Head Crater, when the feeling of claustrophobia set in, I felt the need to justify and make myself out not to be the fool so I confessed my weight loss journey. The group I was with was amazed and they started giving me suggestions of places I need to visit and things I needed to do in Hawaii. This was like an instant confidence boost.

Then, after curiously walking through Victoria Secret in awe for several days in a row, a lady finally asked if I was looking for anything, without hesitation, I announced I was browsing. She didn't stop there, she asked if I'd ever bought anything from VS before. I told her that VS didn't cater for those my size. Before you knew it she'd measured me up and to my surprise they stocked my size. For the first time in what feels like forever I wanted to try things on. The salesgirls were having a ball helping me and I walked out with two bright coloured sports bras and VS panties. Walking down the street with my bright pnk VS bag was like wearing a Mickey Mouse badge at school. I felt on top of the world. All of a sudden I wanted to go into every store and the more stores I went in to, the more I wanted to know what my style was. Make up no longer looked like war paint and I wanted some, oh and heels, how glorious do they look. Now that I'm on my way down, I can start wearing heels again.

I felt like I was shedding old skin and coming alive. It was refreshing and exhausting all at the same time. This is my second major lightbulb moment in less than 12 months.

On top of that, based on my way in prior to my departure, I have less than 20kg to go till I'm at normal weight. That's a major motivator. I'm attaching some pics of me from my holiday to date. I am so excited on embarking on my next chapter!!

Fighting Claustrophobia - Diamond Head Crater

Since I've shed a lot of weight, one of the things I've realised I love is exploring the great outdoors. There is nothing more satisfying than mastering the summit of a mountain to watch the sun rise over this glorious planet, so when I read about the opportunity to hike a volcano crater to view the sunrise, how could I say no?!

After booking, I perused my voucher the night before departure and notied that due to the late pickup there was no way we'd reach the top in time for sunrise. Oh well, I was still going to make the most of it.

I sat waiting in my closed toe shoes and smothered in sunblock, the excitement of the day started growing in the pit of my belly. Today was also my birthday.

n the past that would have meant a lazy day in bed followed by lots of crazy gorging and binging. That was the old me. There was no way I was going to undo all this work I have done on my emerging physique by wasting a day.

I'd never seen a volcano or crater before... Well not that I recall, although my brain tells me there may have been something similar in Vanuatu when I was there.

We pulled up in the centre of the crater and it felt completely surreal. As you look around it's amazing to realise where you are standing. Our guide tells us that they used to run cattle in there due to the natural boundaries. With its natural beauty that's hard to fathom, then our guide advises that the plants and trees in there are all non-native. I would never have guessed.

As I trekked up the created path, I feel the air getting thinner as we ascend in altitude. The views are breathtaking.

Now I have many phobias, mostly created as an excuse to start with and then with constant nurturing and feeding, I've created these phobias. Fear of heights is one and another is claustrophobia. I don't like confined spaces. Especially when I feel like I'll block the passageway.

So about halfway up, we enter the first tunnel. I barely make 5 steps in before I call out that I need a break and make a hasty exit.

My head is screaming excuses at me, there are so many reasons why I can't do this. I talk them through with my guide and for the first time ever I decide that I am in control, not my mind and not my body. I have never, to this date, taken control like this.

I conquered the tunnel. I also conquered steep stairs and even climbed back down through a shallow bunker and a spiral staircase. I won't say I'm cured, but I will definitely confirm that today was a miracle and I owe it all to http://www.oahunaturetours.com/ - if you're travelling to Oahu, Hawaii, be sure to check them out.

Here are some amazing photos from the day.

Quick! Find me a Samoan!!

So, my next Hawaiian adventure is all about the Polynesian Cultural Centre and the hunky men that work there.
Now that I have seen the Polynesian men, I don't know if my standards will ever drop back down again. The Samoans are so, so, so hunky - seriously, I didn't think men came in so many specimen that were all so good looking. I guess the only downfall to islander men is the fact they want a hundred kids, but is that a sacrifice worth making? Hmmm...

Anyway - snap out of the daydream - back to the story.
The PCC is located on the north side of the island so our busride was made enjoyable by our Maori friend, Germaine the Maine Man. He was a complete crack up and well suited to a tour guide (yep, another hottie that is married with 4 kids).
The PCC is made up of the 8 Polynesian cultures set up in villages.
We had a buffet lunch, luau dinner and finished off the night with their show.

Missing Weigh-ins

You may have noticed that there are no weigh in updates.
This is because I'm on holidays.
I chose to leave room for shopping rather than bring my scales with me.
I'm still being mindful of consumption and will hopefully have good news upon my return.

Mighty Mo and Pearl Harbour - 8th July

This was one of those tours I'd booked in simply because everyone was telling me to. I didn't have any background on the topic, nor had I seen any relevant movies either so I had little to no expectations.

Looking around Pearl Harbour was interesting, but none so like the Mighty Mo.

Mighty Mo is the nickname for the USS Missouri and is the boat that the Americans and Japanese signed the declaration of surrender onboard that ended the world war.

To call it a boat is an understatement - it's huge!! I'll attach some pics and would highly recommend if you're heading to Hawaii to ensure you include this on your "to do list".

I also did the American thing and went to Punchbowl to honour the soldiers that have passed.

Aloha and Mahalo

Just a few days in to my holiday and I'm picking up the lingo.
Hawaii.
I don't think there are any appropriate adjectives to describe this piece of heaven on earth. I knew within minutes of being here that I will definitely be planning a return trip.
Now I'm an independent, modern day woman, so travelling on my own is nothing new. The normal process is to stock up on junk and only having to leave the room when necessary.
This time is going to be different.
This evening I've officially been here three days, two nights and I long to find solace with junk in my room.
In the past I've used my weight as my shield, protecting me from social interaction that could lead to embarrassment, or worse, humiliation.
So far I've worked out I'm not comfortable eating in public by myself, so I find myself wandering lustfully past places like Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville, or going past all the funky little bars that seem to always be set to happy hour.
The only person who talks to me on a regular basis is a homeless, drunk man in a wheelchair who keeps telling me that my fortune will change if I buy him a beer. At this point it's almost tempting....
I'll cover off each of the tourist events when I'm on the trusty lappy rather than my phone.
I must mention the water. Tv and photos do it no justice. The clarity of the colours as they slap against the golden beaches is magical. The beach is littered by people from all walks of life, all in the one place and for just that moment, without prejudice. Nobody seems to have a care as 8 to 80 year olds prance around in string bikinis and dts, big guts welling over the small pieces of fabric. Yes, also several pieces of eye candy around, although none of them give me a second glance, much less a smile.
Now I'm not a depressed soul and I can normally pick the positives out when it counts, but when I start to feel overwhelmed, I pick at my skin.
This could be removing the keratosis pilaris plugs, to plucking in grown hairs or even squeezing what looks like clogged follicles.
It's not pretty and almost always raises questions. I don't recall exactly when I started but it was a while ago. Today was one of those days. Feeling withdrawn and secluded, I thought I would "tidy my legs" a bit. Hoping the redness will die down overnight.
I'd go for a swim but I can't workout how singles do it... Do we just leave our hotel key, towel and shoes on the sand and hope they're there on our return? Do I have to go barefoot and without a towel? This time, I wish I wasn't doing this on my own. Have someone along to come to dinner, to share thoughts with and to take pics of me instead of ne begging strangers.
Anyway enough of a cent for now. I'll make an effort to get some pics up soon. Love to you all xo

Bula! Greetings from Fiji!

Yeah, these next lot of posts won't be beautifully formatted and look like they belong because I'm on holidays and working from a little laptop. Those who know me will know that I'd much rather type from a full size keyboard.
So the first leg of my journey is over. It's amazing how different it is to fly when you're not carrying excess baggage. Plenty of room to spare, wearing beach pants and a light shirt. I feel amazing already.
I opted for the vegetarian cuisine to reuce the amount of empty calories being consumed whilst basically not moving.
I've made up for it thoug by checking in to the lounge at Fiji - only another hour till I set off on the last 6.5 hour flight that will see me to my destination. I've enjoyed wifi, awesome coffee, cheese and cracker (yep, in moderation) and stirfry for dinner. All this for $FJ75 which is $37.50 AUD - I think that's decent seeing as the airport isn't aircon other than in here and it's a balmy 28 degrees, also there is no free wifi - it's $20FJD per hour and I've had 3 hours to kill. Needless to say I'll be checking in again on my return - I believe I've got 8 hours to kill then - lol.
Anyway, I'll ceck in again when I arrive so for now Bula - soon to be Aloha!!

The 100 Things I Love About Me and My Life

First of all, let's set the confusion straight. The last image was from my new swimmers for my impending trip.

Next up, we have a very interesting task that was set to a whole group of us by a very inspiring person. We need to list 100 things that I love about me and about my life. When I first heard about this, I thought "why bother" - after all I reckon I'd struggle naming 10, much less 100. After a few hours (more like 7) in the car yesterday, alone with my thoughts, I've decided to give it a go.

1. That I'm alive.
2. That I'm healthy (and getting healthier by the minute)
3. My ability to relate to others
4. My determination
5. My ability to follow through
6. My sense of humour
7. Being able to talk to anyone (and everyone)
8. That I'm assertive (to an extent)
9. That I have willpower
10. That I make the decisions that impact my life
11. My home
12. My ability to grow and nurture plants
13. Shrinkers
14. My support network (you know who you are)
15. My ability to express my thoughts and feelings
16. My shrinking body
17. My eyes
18. My smile
19. My feet
20. My legs (they've only just made it on there)
21. My hair
22. My car
23. My memories
24. The fact that I live on small acreage
25. My ability to make friends
26. My ability to make just about anyone laugh
27. My family
28. My hair
29. The fact that I'm a high achiever
30. That I survive quite well when put under pressure
31. My ability to cook
32. My ability to convert ordinary recipes to healthy recipes
33. My courage to be able to travel overseas on my own
34. My ability to set goals, and achieve them
35. My persistence
36. My ability to motivate and inspire
37. Coffee!!
38. My fruit trees
39. My "soon to be" veggie garden
40. My impending holiday
41. My lycra pants (yes, I know, it should be a crime)
42. My pink gym bag
43. My polar - it holds me accountable
44. My Fitness Pal - without it I'd be lost
45. 12wbt
46. My blog (yes, I know, this should have made the list before now)
47. My newfound friends
48. Old friends
49. Adaptable to new surroundings
50. For picking myself up when I fall
51. For my ability to move on
52. For my strengths
53. For my weaknesses
54. For my ability to tell my body when to wake up and it does
55. For my interest in boxing
56. Bootcamp!!
57. Warrior Dash
58. Running
59. Fun Runs
60. Being an Athlete
61. My ability to read
62. My ability to relate
63. Poached eggs on multigrain toast
64. My slow cooker
65. No longer fitting in to my "fat clothes" because THEY'RE too fat
66. Re-establishing old friendships
67. Going to Hawaii
68. Wearing swimmers again
69. Training for a purpose
70. My jobs
71. My ugg boots
72. Flannelette PJ Pants
73. Singlets
74. My Ariat Boots
75. - with my stripy socks
76. Daring to be Different
77. For not giving up
78. Herbal Teas
79. Choc Chilli Mousse
80. Pedicures
81. Leg Waxes
82. Pamper Days
83. My comfortable life
84. Tracksuit pants
85. My jeans
86. Being able to wear a dress again
87. My ambitions and goals
88. My persistance at the gym
89. My ability to run on the treadmill (it's not far - yet)
90. My lips
91. My ears
92. Singing at the top of my lungs in the car alone with the windows up!
93. Having blogger and facebook on my phone *lol*
94. Having people believe in me
95. Getting encouragement when I need it most
96. I don't give up on my friends
97. That I know how to assemble a flatpack kitchen
98. I know what a spindle is
99. I'm confident in the garden
100. That I could find 99 other things in my life that I'm happy about.

That's enough for this post. I'll check in soon.