I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t written to you in a while. I’m feeling guilty that I’m not communicating as well as I used to. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I want to communicate. Making phone calls, writing blog entries, even updating a facebook status has become a chore. It’s not that the people are hard to deal with, although I am cutting down contact consciously with those who are negative as I simply don’t have the strength within to deal with that right now.
I’m living each day as it comes at me. Thinking long term or setting up plans make me nervous and anxious and then I start struggling with the little stuff.
I never used to struggle with the little stuff. I was quite apt at looking at a situation and not being so bothered by things I couldn’t change. When did I start caring so much? Why did I start caring about the unimportant little stuff?
I still don’t know. I still don’t really feel like I’m in control. It’s like being on a theme park ride that I never bought a ticket for. I’m partly nervous, anxious, nauseous and I’m not really sure what’s to come or how to prepare for it. Hell, I don’t even know how to deal with what I’m going through.
I am starting to find ‘mini escapes’ give me some peace, even in the short term. These can vary from a weekend away, to a trip to the beautician or a shopping spree. Unfortunately these escapes are hitting hard on the finances. It’s like with each day that passes I lose a little more control and I fall a little more.
Consequences. They don’t affect me like they used to. I still suffer consequences, but it is no longer part of my thought pattern when making decisions. As much as I’m coping so far, I wonder how long it will take for my body, my head to heal itself, so that I can break free from this ongoing path of destruction.
In a sense I guess I’m lucky. I haven’t really turned to food this time for comfort. I haven’t turned to drugs. I haven’t turned to alcohol. I turn to nothingness. I envelope myself in technology. I browse social media with random jest, no real interest, just wasting time. I waste time in mind numbing games that have no great bearing on anything, no thought required. This pattern is familiar. This is what I did 3 ½ years ago when I moved to Rockvegas , to hide from life itself. I guess I’m falling back into bad habits.
As I look around this internet world we’ve embedded ourselves into I see that there are a lot of struggles out there at the moment so part of me doesn’t really want to post this and add to the negativity that’s already floating out there.
On a bright note I haven’t gained anymore weight, but unfortunately I haven’t lost any either. I know I need to just do it but ‘just doing it’ is a lot harder than it once was.
Signing out for now – know that even though I’m not posting daily, my thoughts do float back to my blog where I found so much happiness and inspiration and laughter only twelve months ago xo