Life is a Balancing Act

Blink. Blink. Blink. The cursor blinks steadily, almost taunting me as I sit here staring blankly at it, almost on the verge of a breakdown. I work hard. I work two jobs, and on most weeks that equates to roughly 60 hours , that’s on top of bootcamp (another 2 ¼ hours per week)…. Hmmm let’s set this out so it’s easier to read….

 

  

I get the same amount of hours as everyone else. I try to squeeze as much in as possible. The above table indicates a standard week. It doesn’t take into account my monthly plasma donations that take nearly 2-2.5 hours including travel depending on how busy the bloodbank is. This doesn’t take into account other appointments like chiro, doctor and so forth that I also do on a regular basis. The more I look at it, the more I see that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Perhaps this is why I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. My ‘spare time’ isn’t spread nicely and evenly over all days, generally the majority of it falls on a Saturday and has to be squeezed in between waiting for the washing machine to finish or waiting for something to cook.

I’m a big fan of packing my life full as I am fully aware that I will only get one go at it. I want to maximise everything and to do that I need to find a way to make more time. I need to start simplifying my processes to ensure this all works smoothly and easily and so that I can actually enjoy my spare time. At the moment, the limited spare time I have I spend feeling flustered and overwhelmed. My nutrition is suffering, my sleep is suffering and I am sure this is part of what’s holding me back in my weight loss journey.

I haven’t prioritised any time for my friends because I simply don’t have it – that needs to change. I have friends that have been left on the outer for too long. I need to make amends.

Life is a balancing act – there is no question about it. You need to balance life, work and relationships to ensure you live a happy and fulfilled life. At the moment I’m not balancing so well. I don’t really know where to start so I’m blurting it all out on paper here hoping, praying that somebody out there may have a trick to fix it all.

Like a First Time Cowboy....

Third crack'o dawn boot camp completed. Not in style, but I was there. Half-awake from my 4.30am wakeup call I stumbled down to the local park, even early for once, ready for the torture that was about to be thrown upon me. I was still walking like a first time cowboy that's just spent a week horsing around, my legs weren't going to keep supporting me with this torture. So whilst I stood there in the freezing cold I dreamt of a lovely bootcamp where we just did easy exercises, like stretching and so forth. At 5 am reality started. First up, a run around the big block - not exactly what I'd been envisaging but when it comes to bootcamp, it's easier to obey than to challenge someone. So off I went. The SuperFits took off and before long I was jogging along (barely) listening to my own raspy breath as I tried to keep going and going. My legs were burning and my lungs weren't far off it either. The SFs were on their way back to me to rescue me and push me along to finish faster than the pace I was going. This was only the leadup into the next 45 minutes of painstaking exercise. What was the one thing I took from this that's probably more important than all else? It was that I was there. I was committed and regardless of the fact that I was the unfittest person there, I persevered. It's been a long time since my determination has been out but I'm starting to see it more and more frequently. Hopefully in time this will all just be a good habit and I'll be fit and healthy once more. It didn't happen overnight but hopefully it will happen.

So, what did I get up to on the weekend? Well, although I had planned to do a big workout on Saturday, this didn't quite happen. I introduced new babies to my garden family instead. Roses. I've never had any roses except miniature roses before so I was quite excited. I’ve posted a pic below so that you can see my choices.

I can honestly say that on the weekend, I was the most motivated I’d been for a Saturday in a long time – hopefully a sign of greater things to come!

Signing out this Monday and continuing my countdown to Fiji – ten weeks to go!

My legs! What happened to my legs?

It's Friday morning and it's tough.
Firstly, after a public holiday yesterday and a weekend starting tomorrow, I'm really not feeling overly enthused about being at work. Still, I'm here and I'm doing what I need to do. Secondly, this morning was bootcamp number 2. Yep, up before the sun again, slogging it out. My knees are red raw from doing burpees on wet grass, my shoes are saturated from jogging round ovals and doing sprints and my clothes are wet and covered in ground from the times I completely collapsed on the ground. I didn't give up though. I didn't quit. With the pyramids of burpees and shoulder presses I was miles behind the others, who I shall refer to as SFs - the super fits, but I persisted. At the end of a 45 minute session that felt like it had been crammed into five minutes of torture we were done. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to get up the couple of steps at the front of my house to get inside. I was still sore from Wednesday, now I was fatigued and oh so tired. As I walked past my bedroom to the shower, my bed called out to me, it was hard but I managed to resist. After a quick shower I was feeling not so zombie like but still not 100% there.

Time for breakkie. Now I promised last post that this post I'd touch on my new found protein powders! For breakfast at the moment I'm having multigrain porridge with 1/2 scoop of protein powder (vanilla) and half a banana (or just sprinkled with cinnamon if my bananas aren't ripe yet). I find this is very filling and tides me over nicely till mid morning.

The dry mix

The finished product

I am also having a protein shake for my morning tea, and again for my afternoon tea. These new shakes are so tasty, they're my preferred choice and at around 115cals when mixe with water, they're calorie conscious too. They're from bulk nutrients, so there's no excess sugar or carbs or anything else that I don't really need in them and the flavour is amazing!! I've had them cold, hot, with water, with milk - it doesn't matter. These powders are to die for!! With nearly 30g protein per serve, I'm finally getting my recommended amount. I'm stoked to have found them and it's only thanks to a good friend and motivator that I did.

The next think I've learnt is that my body doesn't hydrate like it should. I can drink 2-3 litres of water, my urine can be clear and yet I'm still not hydrated. So after some research and tips from my trainer, today I've bought som Enduro online as an electrolyte rich drink to help me keep hydrated. When I get it, I will let you know what it tastes like and how it works for me.
For now I'm signing out though as even my fingers are hurting from the workout. I've never felt more alive though and I'm wrapt to have found my mojo again. Stay tuned and I'll be back early next week xx

Crack'o Sparrow Fart

The trickles of waterfalls can be heard as I slowly open my eyes. Without thinking I start to close them again before it dawns on me. Today is the day. It's my very first day of bootcamp. I check my phone, and yep, it's 4.40am! I look around my room half dazed and realise that lights are still on from the blackout last night - the reason I had to rely on what I refer to as my wimpy alarm to wake me up. It's so dark. It may as well be 2 am as far as I'm concerned, and my nerves start setting in.
Only yesterday I'd been standing on some scales that surely belonged in outer space. With retractable handles that you pull up once you stand on it, it measures everything. Everything from hydration, to weight, lean body mass, fat mass, visceral fat and also gives you a bioage. Now I'm normally pretty good as far as tests go but this one I failed. My measurements are out of control and my bioage is 46…. 46!! We both agreed things had to change. I calmly asked what would be a realistic expectation in weight loss over the next four weeks - Tash responded that she believed I could lose at least 5kg over the next four weeks depending on my commitment. I knew what was needed. There and then I committed to myself to lose a more than 5kg in the next 4 weeks.
Back to the darkness of the crack of sparrow fart. Due to the blackout I hadn't really prepared but I thought twenty minutes would be plenty to throw on workout clothes and get there. Nope. No, it wasn't. I grabbed a towel, my yoga mat, a drink bottle after I got dressed and headed out the door. Nothing was stirring and I only had 5 minutes to get there. It was local, I should be right - well, I would have been if I had known where I was going. I hadn't a clue. My 'so clever Samsung' wasn't much help either.
I arrived five minutes late. I expected to be punished for it but I wasn't. I think. I joined in the warm up, a little late but warmed up pretty quickly. Today was a fitness test so we could gauge where we'd come from so we can compare again in four weeks. Dismal. That's my result according to myself. I don't have the numbers as I was too busy dying to remember them but I wrote them down and I have entrusted Tash with them.
The boot camp was 45 minutes long, but I swear it only felt like 5 minutes - 5 long torturous minutes. Before I knew it I was in the car ready to go home. I thought I'd better take a pic as proof - please see below - it's not pretty - I'm not smiling because it takes energy to smile and I had none.

Now I sweated like I was wearing a lake instead of a shirt, I was saturated and don’t recall having worked that hard in a very, very long time. It was refreshing. It was good. Along with my new nutrition and my awesome new protein shakes (I'll blog about these later) I'm feeling great. Nearly day one over and so far I'm 100%! I'm back so watch out!!
Also contemplating adding a running coach - any thoughts peeps??

Potato, Leek and Ham Soup (256 calories per serve)

This is "pre-whizzed" state

Where'd the coffee go?

It's Friday morning and my cup of exquisitively brewed pod coffee has been consumed and only traces remain in my cup.

It's been an interesting week for me. I've felt like reviving the blog. Getting it 'happening' again. I 'release' so much when I write here. It's like a diary, except it's open for everyone to read. It's very liberating and freeing to write away my thoughts and feelings. So here I'm back again, and this will make post number three in a week - I don't think I've been this consistent for a few months now.

So where am I at? My weight hasn't changed since March. I haven't put any oomph into it. No focus. Nothing. So this morning I decided it was time to recommit to another program. With my loyalty towards 12wbt, I looked up the website and was disappointed to see the preseason still has another 24 days to go. Maybe it was time to break those apron strings, so I checked out Shannan's Challenge… it's already started and the next one kicks off in June. Damn it! My trip to Fiji is now 12 weeks away so I want something that starts sooner rather than later. I check out the Biggest Loser Club - finally an ongoing program, so I begin to sign up when the form crashes and won't let me complete it. Is this a sign? Hmmmm I don't think so, but maybe I should hold off till next week and decide what it is I really want.

I have signed up to a local challenge in the meantime though I've been in touch with Tash from Griffin PT 

based in Gracemere and I've signed up for the Lifestyle Bootcamp. This is a four week program that will see me doing as a minimum, 12 bootcamp sessions at 5 am, engaging in a 4 week nutritional plan, 2 x body analysis and gaining lots of fitness and hopefully shedding some weight in the progress. If you click on the link and end up signing up, please let her know that you were referred from "Camilla's Blog".

Next, I've been wondering what I can do to make this blog something that can help more people. At the moment I believe there's just family and friends signed up to receive my ramblings, but I want to make a bigger impact. I want to connect with people from all over the world and share in their journeys. Do you have a suggestion to help me make that happen? Would it be better to start a new blog with a new title and just have this as the 'prequel'? What are your thoughts on this? After all, you are my readers, my audience and my support.

Comfort Food.... Low Calorie Lasagna

Cook the two lots of mince together, add passata, keep cooking, add herbs and garlic for flavour (I forgot to add these to the recipe). Let it cook over slow heat for about 40 minutes until it thickens. Stir in the cottage cheese and fresh spinach and mushrooms, let it sit on the heat until the spinach completely wilts. Then layer between fresh lasagna (fresh is always better, trust me, you WILL notice the difference) and top with cheese. The ingredients mentioned above are correct however some of the brand names aren't. The calories shouldn't vary too much. Go lightly on the cheese - I may have gone overboard, and I made two lasagnas out of this recipe and that made 17 portions.

 Cooking it on the stove

 Layering it

 My top layer is always a 'thin' one as the cheese goes on this

 I cooked both together in a moderate (180 deg cel) oven for approximately 40-50 minutes.

If you fill it too much, it will spill over, and yep, I have an oven to clean.

Seventeen serves. Would/Could have been 18 but there is one larger than average serve that looked like all mush.

Exhaustion

Today I am exhausted. I'm more tired than normal and I just can't pick why.
I had a good eight hours sleep, I've had plenty of water and yet I'm looking around for matchsticks as we speak - well I write, you read.
This has been the cycle for the last 2-3 weeks for me and it's driving me up the wall. I could sleep all day, every day at the moment and still not be satisfied.
Tonight I'm biting the bullet. I'm heading home straight from work, no gym, no detours. I'm cooking dinner, packing lunch, sorting uniforms for my double (both jobs) tomorrow and going to bed. If this means I'm in bed by 7 pm, then so be it.
My body needs it, craves it. I'll see if getting a super full night will make a difference before I start searching Dr Google to self diagnose.
How much fun has self diagnosis become since Google came along?
I have never had any interest to become a doctor or to care for the sick and unwell. I'd much rather spend life in solitude than look after someone who is really unwell - sounds harsh doesn't it.... Anyway, back to self diagnosis. Since Google came along, I now search on every symptom I may (or may not) have to try to come up with a reason. A lot of the research is fun, and sometimes very interesting. Does anyone else consult Dr Google?
I also have an Uncle Google, that's where I go when I have random questions to ask. Professor Google is my insta-IT-help. I have a whole family of google I rely on day to day and I rely a lot less on information being passed through generations or learning from other people's mistakes. I learn from Google. I'm part of the Google generation.
Wowsers - that's two posts in one week - careful, this blogging thing might be catching again.

Dealing with IT

I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t written to you in a while. I’m feeling guilty that I’m not communicating as well as I used to. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I want to communicate. Making phone calls, writing blog entries, even updating a facebook status has become a chore. It’s not that the people are hard to deal with, although I am cutting down contact consciously with those who are negative as I simply don’t have the strength within to deal with that right now.

I’m living each day as it comes at me. Thinking long term or setting up plans make me nervous and anxious and then I start struggling with the little stuff.

I never used to struggle with the little stuff. I was quite apt at looking at a situation and not being so bothered by things I couldn’t change. When did I start caring so much? Why did I start caring about the unimportant little stuff?

I still don’t know. I still don’t really feel like I’m in control. It’s like being on a theme park ride that I never bought a ticket for. I’m partly nervous, anxious, nauseous and I’m not really sure what’s to come or how to prepare for it. Hell, I don’t even know how to deal with what I’m going through.

I am starting to find ‘mini escapes’ give me some peace, even in the short term. These can vary from a weekend away, to a trip to the beautician or a shopping spree. Unfortunately these escapes are hitting hard on the finances. It’s like with each day that passes I lose a little more control and I fall a little more.

Consequences. They don’t affect me like they used to. I still suffer consequences, but it is no longer part of my thought pattern when making decisions. As much as I’m coping so far, I wonder how long it will take for my body, my head to heal itself, so that I can break free from this ongoing path of destruction.

In a sense I guess I’m lucky. I haven’t really turned to food this time for comfort. I haven’t turned to drugs. I haven’t turned to alcohol. I turn to nothingness. I envelope myself in technology. I browse social media with random jest, no real interest, just wasting time. I waste time in mind numbing games that have no great bearing on anything, no thought required. This pattern is familiar. This is what I did 3 ½ years ago when I moved to Rockvegas , to hide from life itself. I guess I’m falling back into bad habits.

As I look around this internet world we’ve embedded ourselves into I see that there are a lot of struggles out there at the moment so part of me doesn’t really want to post this and add to the negativity that’s already floating out there.

On a bright note I haven’t gained anymore weight, but unfortunately I haven’t lost any either. I know I need to just do it but ‘just doing it’ is a lot harder than it once was.

Signing out for now – know that even though I’m not posting daily, my thoughts do float back to my blog where I found so much happiness and inspiration and laughter only twelve months ago xo