Today I Reclaim My Life

Isn’t it funny how things are so different when you’re on the outside looking in?

I know I’m always the first to give my friends advice when it comes to anything
pretty much. I don’t always have the best advice but I always put my two cents
in.

So when I met a smart, funny and adorable man, it wasn’t hard to get smitten and
confuse my priorities.

Slowly, without me even realising, I started putting myself further and further down
the list of priorities to put our needs and our relationship first. It began
with skipping a workout here and a workout there – he never encouraged me to
skip them, in fact, he encouraged me to do them. This undoing was all mine.
Then there was a drink here and a drink there – surely one won’t matter. They
add up pretty quickly when you’re not counting.

Before you know it, three weeks has passed and I’m sliding quickly into old habits.
Habits of comfort.

This week I’ve been given time to think – and think I did. I realised that over the
last few weeks, as happy as I’ve been, I’ve turned on my victim mentality
again. I’m blaming bad choices on everything and everyone except me. Wow – what
a wakeup call.

To imagine that I fell for someone in such a short period of time and that I was
willing to sacrifice all the good new things that made me “me” shocked me. I
hadn’t realised I’d swallowed the hook, line and sinker…. This scared the hell
out of me.

So what do I do? I hightail it out of there!!

I wasn’t the only one needing time to think, so without being able to reach him,
I can only presume that this is where we would have ended up anyway. As the old
saying goes, “if it’s meant to be – it’s meant to be”. This all happened very
fast and without a second thought, I guess the lines of communication weren't all too clear in both directions. Perhaps we need the time out to work out what we both want and where we’re both heading. Maybe this will be revisited in the future, maybe it won’t.

Although I am saddened by these events, I don’t have regrets in life – I believe what
happens is what makes me who I am today.

With all this on my mind today, it was like a hurricane inside my head, and work
proved more than I could handle so I’m having a day at home to sort it all out.
Time to make alternate plans for my plants whilst I’m away and a few other bits
and bobs.

I’ve eaten clean, I’ve had a training session and I’ve cleaned my house. I’m
exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. Today I’ve taken the biggest
step to date – I’ve reclaimed my life as my own.

So to keep things interesting till my next post, here’s a ‘surprise snippet’ – can
anyone guess what it is? It’s to do with my holiday to Hawaii!!

Turning Blocks into Stones....Now

One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
— Jack Penn

Excuses? Excuses! Excuses.

If there was a degree you could earn for creating the best excuses, I would most certainly have earnt one. If there was a prize, I'd have won it.

Sometimes, life just bubbles along nicely, too nicely so you feel the need to upset it. Go against the grain for a bit. Just stir things up a little to see what happens. It's not always a conscious decision, but rather something that's deeply seeded in your subconscious or even in your past that's come back for a visit.

I've realised this round, even though I've had some massive wins, I've also had some massive set backs. It seems that you cannot have your cake and eat it to. Pardon the pun.

Just like every night you go to sleep, every day you will surely wake up (well to an extent - stay with me though - it's how I feel). As you wake up, you have a choice. Your day can either be good or bad. You make the choice. Get up with a smile and go about your day and you will find that the day is a lot more bearable than the alternative.

These last two to three weeks, I've let my priorities slide. I've put other's happiness before my own, other's goals before my own and because of this my goals are suffering. I need to learn that I need to put myself first to ensure that I'm functioning at 110% before I can even begin to help others reach their potential.

Now, no matter how many times someone tells you the above, until you're ready to listen, you won't hear the true message. I've had some very (very, very) persistent friends who have been at me to ensure that I keep on top of things.

I'm not used to friendship like that. I'm not used to anyone really giving a damn to that extent and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by it.

Throughout this time, my weight has fluctuated, but I've never strayed far. It's like self sabotage - I do a good job and I reward myself with food. To me it made sense. Then I was enlightened by a very good friend, and don't take this too personally, I didn't but she told me that we reward dogs and animals with food to make them do what we want them to. If I treat myself like a dog, how can I expect to live like a queen (slight exaggeration perhaps but you get the point)?

So with less than a fortnight to go till my holiday, I have decided to devote more time to me. Yep, if you didn't already think I was selfish - get a load of me now! Consistent gym work, get my house and yard all cleaned up before I go. The salad is already made in the fridge so I may as well eat it to reach my goals.

I'd been so fixated on being in my eighties for Hawaii that I nearly had a breakdown over it. The scales are only numbers. Someone pointed out to me that I'd lost 30kg so I'm 30kg lighter going over than I would have been 12 months ago. Until someone puts it into perspective it can be hard to see.

With a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye (must be hayfever!!) I will say goodnight for in my mission to be kind to myself I need to sort and organise my week and that starts now. No more procrastinating....

Travelling (Backwards)

Me about to jetset to Brisvegas!!
So here we are on Wednesday night back at home and thinking about the last 24-48 hours.
Has nothing I learnt sunk in?
For fear of being ribbed about being on a 'diet' we created the 'there are no calories in Brisbane' rule.
I knew this was wrong at the time and I'm not sure why, but I was probably the biggest advocate and instigator.
All the things I've learnt and practised so carefully over the last few months was tucked away in my brain and refused to come to the surface.
I blatantly ignored when my stomach grumbled at the preservatives and processed foods I was feeding it.
I purposely didn't pack my sneakers as it was only a 24 hour trip.
I kept telling myself that 24 hours didn't matter.
If it had only been 24 hours, it may not have mattered but it wasn't.
This has been my attitude for nearly a week.
I don't know how or why I started thinking like this, but once I started it was so much easier to continue than stop, think and correct myself.
I've tried to sit down and analyse the situation to try to pinpoint the emotion, the event, the situation or whatever it is that made me think it was okay to undo all this but I can't.
It's all a muddle to me.
I'm not sure how to work out the underlying reason this time.
How did I come to realise this?
Although I was making these decisions consciously, their repercussions weren't clear to me until this afternoon.
After a busy time in Brisbane we had a few hours to kill so we visited DFO in Brisbane. I walked around with the hope of getting some board shorts, swimmers and maybe even normal shorts for the first few days in Hawaii before I go outlet shopping over there.
Much to my dismay I couldn't find anything that I liked AND that fitted.
I did two laps around. All of a sudden I felt like I was a size 24 again.
I held myself together for the balance of the afternoon but when I got home it was too much to bear.
So, did I break down and cry and sob uncontrollably?
No. That's not me. I don't wear my emotions.
Instead I cleaned out the kitchen.
Anything carb related or anything that might be perceived as a hurdle had to be removed.
I went shopping, only veggies, no bread, no dairy and some fish and unprocessed meats.
I'm not going to let this beat me.
For the next 16 days I will be working this program 100%. No deviation.
I'm probably going to be ribbed and called names but at the moment I don't care.
This is about me, this is my life and this is my holiday.

Putting Yourself on Hold

There’s one four letter word that scares the beejeebus out of me – DIET.

As soon as someone mentions the word I cringe a little.

For me, losing weight is not a diet. Being healthy is not just something a do for a few weeks and then go back to my old ways and cross my fingers and hope that I won’t balloon back up again.

When I made the decision to become healthy, I decided this was forever. This is a lifestyle change that I would incorporate my life around to ensure I lived a long and healthy life. I don’t put life on hold – I don’t put myself on hold. This is a long term solution and I need to treat it as such. This means when I travel for work or pleasure I need to work out how to incorporate this into my everyday life.

The reason this topic has crossed my mind is that tomorrow I’m travelling for work.

Now, I’ll be completely honest, I’ve fallen off the rails more than I’ve stayed on them this round. My excuses are out of control but I’m making a conscious effort to change that. This is my first test, not to give in all the delicacies and temptations available.

So how am I going to tackle this?

Firstly, I will be taking my HRM, and even if it’s just situps, pushups and/or star jumps, I will be doing exercise. As I’m only taking carry on luggage (it’s a 24 hour trip), I won’t be packing joggers etc but I will pack my resistance bands.

Next is nutrition. Actually, it probably should have been the first point. The 24 hours is basically fully catered. Although my colleagues are aware of my journey, I’m not sure whether this has been taken into account, and to ensure my success I’m going to ASSUME that it hasn’t. That way I’m prepared. I will ensure that I pack some snack packs that are calorie and ingredient controlled. I will also stay away from creamy type dishes or anything that looks like it may have been fried. I know I can do this. I’ve gone out to restaurants during my first round and I survived.

After carefully considering the entire trip, I am quite confident in my success. I have pre-planned and prepared to make it easier for me to succeed so I won’t give in to temptation. I will check in either tomorrow or Wednesday to let you know how I go.

The Struggles Within

I'm a lot quieter this round than last round. There's a lot of reasons for that. I've eluded to most of them through various posts but as I flick through the forums and the pages on facebook I think there needs to be a post devoted to just that.
You are not alone.
It's not a weird way to feel.
Others have been where you are.
I'm at the stage where my weightloss is noticeable and the comments coming my way range from "Where could you possibly lose more weight" or "Are you going to stop soon?".
The sweetest comments are from my partner and I know they're genuine and true, but for some reason these other comments are met in my head at a crossroads.
I know I've done a lot of work to get where I am but I don't believe I deserve the accolades I'm getting. I haven't done anything unusual or something nobody else can do.
I'm following a program someone else has set up. It works. The sums and research have been done for you. There's no magic pill or secret formula only certain people are let in to.
It all comes down to clean eating and moving your butt.
Don't let others take your glory when it comes to your weight loss. You did it. You worked hard.
I can't do your work for you. Mish can't do it for you.
You need to do it.
It's not easy. Anybody who said it was, hasn't done it.
It's damned hard work and there's so much sweat involved it's not funny.
It is possible though and yes, even you can do it.
If your overall goal is overwhelming, break it down.
Whether you lose 52kg in a year or 1kg per week, I know one sounds a lot easier than the other.
Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't.
Oh and my biggest lesson learnt so far....
...don't compare yourself to others!
We're all on similar journeys but they're not the same. Each one of us has so many unique variables that makes us unique and different from each other.
Track your own journey, set your own goals and step forth and achieve them.
If I can do this, then you can too!!

My Inspiration Board

 

Hey Goodlooking!

This round feels so different from last round.

Last round I was filled with excitement, anticipation and curiosity.

This time, I already know it works. I know how it works.

It's quite simple, there's no magic pill to swallow.

Swallow your pride and just do it.

Consume less than you burn.

So simple, yet so hard.

I'm still learning lessons from first round as we enter week 2 of the second round. I feel like I'm cheating myself by still learning the lessons from round 1 whilst completing round 2.

Many things have changed, especially in the last fortnight.

I now see myself on a regular basis.

What? You may ask. Is she on drugs? Ha ha ha, no I'm not, never touched them, never will but the highs that I'm now experiencing are amazing.

I can finally see the changes in my body. It took me to lose 30 kg for my eyes to recognise these changes in the mirror.

I still pick up clothes and go to put them on and then realise that they now swim on me. It's a real ego boost on top of everything - it gives me that little kick to keep going.

I've also got some other good news to share. I've met a guy.

Yep, after all that ranting about never meeting anyone, I have.

He's a wonderful guy with a great sense of humour, he's a perfect gentleman and treats me like a lady. Best of all, he knows about my journey, my challenges and he's willing to support me through them. Not many guys you meet would do that straight up - he even cooked me dinner and kept within my calorie boundaries and he's very thoughtful. I guess having all this happy energy is making it easier to keep going to the gym, to run around at home and I'm no longer getting any sweet cravings.

I'm hungrier than I ever have been but I think I may have been cutting myself a bit shy on the calorie intake so that will be my focus this week. That and running 36km.

So for now I say adieu but I'll be back before the end of the week with another scrumptious recipe - it's been a while since I've done one.

Oxymorons on Sundays

Sunday mornings are typically known as the one morning a week where you can be forgiven for having a sleep in and perhaps even brunch due to the time you actually get around to eating breakfast.

Not this Sunday - not for me.

Today I was competing in my first ever timed fun run.

There it is ladies and gents - the oxymoron of the day - Fun Run.

Does it sound fun to get up early on a Sunday to run 10km in what could possibly be miserable weather? No? I didn't think so.

I didn't let that deter me though when registrations opened a while back penned my name to the 10km challenge. I figured that I'd train hard, commit and I would run the whole 10km.

Ha ha ha. Yes, I did run the track 2-3 times, yes I did work on my running but I was nowhere near prepared for today.

Whilst driving in to the start the butterflies that had happily been flying around in my tummy gave birth to elephants. Elephants with wings aren't graceful and my brain started giving me excuses and telling me that it was okay to pull out - after all it was early, cold, wet, I was tired, nervous, hungry, nauseous - seriously my brain had never come with so many excuses in such a short period of time.

Obviously my brain is still catching up though because it doesn't control me, I control it!

I decided to continue. I met up with Mel before the race and bumped into several others whilst waiting for the start.

Here's the pic of how I looked at the beginning.

Then we were ushered to the start line, and completely unprepared we were off. I had already told the girls to go ahead as I was running my own race. Slow and steady wins the race I told myself. I ran the straight starting stretch, round the corner, back down past the club - OMG - it dawned on my that I'd been running the whole time.

Damn! Shouldn't have thought about it, all of a sudden my lungs felt like they were going to explode so I slowed down to a fast power walk. As I neared the Cri, I'd worked out that I wasn't last, but by no means was I powering this race.

There was another champion (Donna) like me pounding the pavement to smash an earlier set goal so we decided to push each other on.

As far as we were aware there was only one other behind us.

We kept pushing each other and cheering as we ran over the bridge, through wet grass, a bit of mud and back to bitumen. Donna was an awesome motivator, without her I don't think I would have smashed my goals.

We pushed through people, we pushed past people, we pushed through pain barriers and mental hurdles. I never thought running could take so much out of me.

When we came close to the finish line, as we were second last, we decided to finish together. We tied second last (or so we thought) but we finished and we both beat our pre-set goal to finish in under 90 minutes. Our finish time? 1 hour 21 minutes.

Here's me after the race

Here's the HRM to confirm my time and that I SMASHED it - what you can't see on that shot though is my average heartrate - it sat at an 'average' of 165!! I only had 1 minute in zone 1, 30 minutes in zone 2 and the rest in zone 3 - I was stoked.

So what happens now? Now I get home, snooze, write this blog and contemplate my next 10 km run, I start setting new goals and a new training plan. I own this. I can do this. So many times I've heard "fat people can't run" - what a load of croc - just because we carry a few extra kilos (that we're desperately willing to give away) doesn't mean we're not fit and we can't move.

For anyone out there who isn't their ideal weight - don't give up. If I can do this - so can you! Set a goal, work towards it and achieve it.

This is 2012 - make this your year!