Confessions of this Diet Queen

 

I’m a diet queen. I have been on Jenny Craig, attempted counting WW points, lost a lot on 12WBT, I’ve applied to be a contestant on TBL, I’ve tried the Dukan diet, the Soho diet, the Soup diet, the Cabbage diet, the laxative diet. Yep, I’ve been on this journey for quite some time, striving for that elusive goal of happiness.

Did anyone else pick up on it?

I have been dieting to become happy. Do you see a problem with this? Since when does weight make you ‘happy’. I know plenty of ‘larger than life’ people who are very positive, and very happy and on the other end of the scale, I also know some slim, very negative people who exist to bring others down.

Weight doesn’t define happiness. It never has, it never will.

 For some of you, this revelation is not new. You’ve known this all along. As someone who struggles with having fat and being unhealthy, this is a new concept to me.

Each time I go through a ‘phase’ which is all it has been up until now, I’ve had my typical light bulb moment, where something has twigged inside and spurred me on. I generally put weight back on, but usually not to my starting weight.

This time, I think a rather large lightbulb has just come on.

 

Losing weight alone will not make me happy.

I am in charge of my happiness. I need to become happy with who I am, accept myself faults and all. Although I’m not 100% there, I now understand the concept. Understanding the concept has been a major step in regaining my ‘mojo’. As you would know from previous posts, my ‘mojo’ went MIA some time back and I’ve been trying to find it ever since. Well, it’s back.

My trainer at bootcamp gave a really inspirational little speech on Monday that rang very true for me – this was the second piece that really kicked me into gear. Tash mentioned that even though we were all getting fitter and better with our technique, we shouldn’t get lazy and let our workouts become easy. If you get better at something, you can still push yourself 110%. You should push yourself so that you feel like you did the very first week of bootcamp. I was one of those ‘lazy’ people who was still working at 90% because I thought it was that I was getting fitter – not that I’d found my comfort level. So since then I’ve been upping the ante and pushing really hard and I’m feeling it. I’ve had a drastic change in body shape this week, I’m very exhausted, my appetite is down but I’m feeling fantastic (well, if you ignore the being tired part).

On Saturday we have our 4 week weigh in and body fat percentage assessment and for once, I can’t wait. I am certain I’ll be happy with the results because I couldn’t train any harder than what I’ve done. I couldn’t have eaten any cleaner than what I’ve done. This is my week, and I own it.

Stay tuned on Saturday to find out how I went.

Binge

Binge n.  A period of excessive or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink

www.thefreedictionary.com/binge

 I am a binge eater. I have been a binge eater for as long as I can remember. I binge eat when things don’t go well. I binge eat when I am upset. I am an emotional binge eater.

Before I started this journey to a healthier me, my binging used to involve intricate excuses and stories, like buying family size meals and lying to the cashier and saying that I had visitors at home. Having little to no emotional or psychological support, I often turned to food for comfort. In fact, if you asked around at most places that sold food, they would tell you that I had a husband and around four kids. That’s how much food I used to buy. I’d then sit and gorge myself on it, with no self control or self respect, and the minute it was all gone I’d get an attack of the guilts.

That was how I used to binge.

Yes, I still binge at times. I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be. I still have the same weaknesses and unfortunately I still tend to use food as a crutch in extreme circumstances. On Sunday I binged. My binge this time didn’t include fast food, or sugary lollies, but it was a binge all the same. It’s like I lost control as I hoovered 10 rice cruskits with some delicious Lurpak Lightly Salted butter. I don’t even know why I reached for that out of all things available to me. I was tired and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast due to a midday nap and my head telling me I could ‘hold out’ until dinner. My binge occurred whilst dinner was on the stove. I was so disappointed. In fact I’m still disappointed in myself.

I spoke to my trainer who put things into perspective for me. Falling off the wagon and having a binge is not failure, how you react to it is what should concern you. If you get right back up and continue to eat healthy and exercise well, then you have the right mindset and you will be fine. I pointed out that my binge was at worst around 700 calories – she said not to worry about the calories, but the fact that I binged on processed foods. Next time, I would be better off having a protein shake or fruit if I felt like that. All of a sudden it felt like a little burden was lifted. I was human and that was okay. Since then I have eaten 100% and I have done 3 x 45-50 min bootcamp sessions since and another scheduled for this afternoon. My fitness is improving and I’m once again pushing myself to my limits.

Breakdown anyone?

So my visit with my therapist shed some light on a very important topic on Friday. Breakdown.

As you’re all aware by now I’m pretty involved with everything in my life. I have two jobs, I go to the gym and to bootcamp, I am currently studying for a diploma as well as foundation exams and I’ve just applied for uni, I help out friends, I have a 2 acre mini property to care for and I have a relationship to nurture, oh and I review books for the local paper. To date I’ve always been a firm believer that I was in control. I could handle it. It was no problem.

Whenever someone asked me to do something, my immediate response was always ‘ofcourse I will’ – before the question had even registered in my head. Scary, hey?

Well Friday we discussed many things but one of them was fatigue and my newly found ability to want (need) to sleep at least ten hours a night. I don’t have time for ten hours a night just for sleep. What about my jobs, my studies etc.? When would they get the time they need?

Apparently my juggling act was a lot easier for my body to cope with in my twenties. Now that I’m ‘maturing’ my body doesn’t like to be pushed to the max so much.

So what do I need to do? I need to prioritise everything in my life and re-balance it. I have started this by reducing the hours I work in Job #2. I have delayed starting my official course at uni till next year and will be spreading the STEPs program over two terms. I will still focus on exercise but perhaps only 2 gym sessions on top of my bootcamp sessions. I am also going to stop setting my Saturday morning alarm to allow my body to sleep for as long as it needs.

I am going to be even more careful with my nutrition to ensure there are no deficiencies and so that my body can heal itself. Your body is a wonderful machine and with the right fuel it can do just about anything. I have faith that I will heal and that all it will take is time. I’m glad I’ve realised this now, instead of after the fact.

So without a bathtub to soak in, I need to go through and work out what relaxes me and how I can schedule that in. I’ve committed to spend more time reading and in my garden and I feel that’s going to have a huge impact.

I’ll keep you posted, but in the meantime, if you have any fantabulous suggestions, please comment and let me know – I’d love to hear how you relax and unwind.



Burning the Candle at Both Ends



Fourteen Days and a lot of Green and White Pills

For the first time in a long time I’ve been consistent.

Today marked the fifteenth day on antidepressants. When I got up this morning and saw that my first sheet was gone and it was time for my second it made me think. I thought about how I used to feel, I thought about how I feel now and I wondered if I felt any different.

The mere fact that it took forty-five minutes to pull myself out of bed should have given me the answer. I still have sad days. I now also have angry days. I’ve had a few in the last week and for no reason at all. It’s amazing that this body that I’m enclosed is able to do so much, control so much without me consciously doing so.

This week I have also been hungry. I’m not sure if it’s boredom, or the fact I need a break, but it’s getting worse. A very wise person once said to me that antidepressants don’t hold calories to make me put on weight – how true is that! They don’t. Yet I thought of them as an excuse. The only reason for me to be eating is because I haven’t been consuming enough nutrients. There’s been junk or incomplete meals passing my lips. They’ve been momentarily satisfying, but not really nurturing my body.

The other major difference I’ve noticed is sleep. I crave a lot more of it these days. I get a lot more of it these days too. I’ve downloaded an app called SleepBot that tracks your sleep and sleep debt. I have found that this helps me immensely take a conscious step to be more aware of what my body needs. Especially now as I’m trying to heal and recuperate.

All of this was flurry-ing through my head this morning and I decided that no, I hadn’t really noticed a difference in the last fortnight. That’s okay though as the doctor had warned me to allow at least four weeks till it will start balancing out the chemical imbalances that exist within.

In another four weeks I will be flying to Fiji. It scares the hell out of me as I don’t know whether the medication will have fully kicked in by then. I get told it will, but I don’t know for certain. I’m not sure if it’s something I need to disclose or how to handle it. I’ve never had to worry about flying with medication before, this will be my first and that, to me, is strange.

So in fourteen days I took fourteen little green and white pills to help my body balance out what it can’t do itself. To date I see no change but I will persevere. I’m no quitter, I only quit the negativity in my life.

Oh and if Natasha reads this – my abs are so sore from Wednesday! I feel like I have a six pack trying to escape the protective layer of fat on my gut!

Welcome to Struggle Town

Population, me.

I’m not sure what happened this morning. I certainly didn’t wake up at the time my alarm was set. I woke up an hour later. This put me on the course of tardiness. I was late getting everything done, including arriving at work.

Once I’d arrived, I realised I hadn’t packed my nutritional lunch, I had lunch, but no veggies to go with it, no morning tea, no afternoon tea – bugger. Then I also realised I needed to fill the fuel up this morning, goodness knows how much is left in the tank or how far it’ll get me. To say I was flustered was an understatement.

Today is Wednesday. Most of you will probably question that statement, but I know my 12wbt buddies won’t. Wednesday is the day to jump on the scales and accept your fate. The scales weren’t kind to me. They weren’t nasty either, but I had been hoping for a decline in numbers. I need to see that decline so badly to keep going. Still weigh 108kg. No gain. No loss.

I’ve been told that at least it’s not a gain, and don’t worry about it. Well I do. I do worry about it. I am obese. That’s an unhealthy weight. I have fat that I need to shed. Tonight is also my bootcamp assessment. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel stepping on the scales with little to no change. Having to explain it all again. I hope if nothing else that maybe I’ve discarded some cm, maybe my fitness has improved. Just any sign, any positive sign to spur me on.

Today is my seventh day of taking the medication. Some days I feel like it’s already improving and then days like today make me question it all. I know I have to give it at least four weeks, so that’s what I’ll do. I hope I’m over these ‘spats’ by then because they’re so exhaustive and counter-productive.

Today I’ve got 39 days till Fiji. I am scared and excited. I am scared that I will be over there at a whopping 108kg. I am scared that I won’t fit in my swimmers. I am scared that I’ll be excluded from doing things that I want to do because of my size. I am excited about exploring a new country and I’m excited about taking Fijian cooking lessons. I am excited to be staying at Sonaisali and I’m excited about the mud baths.

Outside the rain is pouring and reminding me of how much I’d rather be at home watching Hart of Dixie episodes, or painting or knitting. Anything really. Something enjoyable, something relaxing. I’d just about kill for a good coffee or a good hot chocolate right now but I’m all out. With the rain, I’m not going on an adventure across to Coles to grab some more.

Apologies for this disjointed post. I’m not quite myself today. I’m struggling with every concept of me, every angle.

How do you spell failure?

Today was the first day of the 12wbt round.
Today it all begun.
Today I still haven't had time to go through my menu, do the shopping or print out my exercise.
Today I still haven't done my measurements.
Yesterday I did step on the scales.
Imagine my horror when I realised that I was sliding back up the numbers instead of down.
I haven't regained everything I've lost, but I'm not heading in the right direction.
It was like somebody winded me.
I couldn't breathe, then I couldn't see. Hot salty tears were blinding my vision as I stared at the pictures on my screen that were supposed to be depicting me. As I look at them, I think back to last year and have a look at my 'lighter' photos. My sobs just get louder. I feel like an ogre who is becoming her fate as time ticks on.
After my weight loss last year, I thought I was still eating healthily. I did a few spot checks, and although they were closer to 1500 than 1200 on average per day, it certainly wasn't like I was eating 3000 calories a day. Based on my calculations, I must have been eating at least 3000 calories as my BMR (basal metabolic rate is just over 2800), to see my weight increase.
Last year at my dexascan, post-finale, I weighed 100.6kg. This was an awesome achievement and saw my end goal of 80-85kg near, almost touchable. Now as I sit here between 107-108kg I am absolutely disgusted. Actually, disgusted doesn't cover it, I can't think of the word to use.
Each time I look at those photos I wonder where my mojo went.
Why did I not notice the gain?
If I did notice, why didn't I do anything about it?
Now that I am trying to do something about it, why can't it be like last year where it just clicked for me.
When it comes to your health, to your body, what are you willing to sacrifice?
Will you sacrifice your health for money?
This is what I feel like I'm doing. If I give up a job, I'll have more time to spend on me, but as I'm living on a budget for 1 with a mortgage, lease car and personal loan on top of what I owe the parentals, am I prepared to step back and only have the very basics. Will that be enough for me? For the first time in over five years my budget is finally back in the green and it's taken a long, long time to get there. I'm not debt free, but I would certainly like to focus on that.
How do you choose between these priorities?
Some may say it's easy, just choose your health. How much of my health will be sacrificed when I can't afford the gym, or bootcamp, or perhaps my rates or keeping my food healthy and as natural as possible? What lengths are you prepared to go to? What's your achilles heel?
If you were wearing my shoes - what would you do??

Here are the pics -you have been warned...

The Excitement is Just Too Much!

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least, I’m going to leave it in the past because that’s where it deserves to stay. I didn’t have a very positive frame of mind, and hence no blog post. Today will be different.

As I surf the forums on 12wbt I can feel something stirring inside, something I haven’t felt for a long time. Today is release day.

Huh? Release day?

For those of you who have never experienced 12wbt, release day is the day our menus and shopping lists are released. It signifies the beginning is near and excitement and anticipation for the round soars. I experienced these emotions in the first round, but not the subsequent rounds. This round is the first round since my initial round where I’ve got the butterflies in my tummy.

This time I know that the program works, there is no question. I know the menu plans are easily substituted as long as I stick to unprocessed meat and vege on the days where I simply cannot stomach what is on the menu.

The big difference this time round? Exercise! I am committing to completing my exercise every day it is scheduled, one way or another! This is on top of bootcamp!!

I have less than 9 week till Fiji. I weighed 100kg  the same time last year when I was in Hawaii and it made a huge difference! I’d really love to travel to Fiji at 95kg! That would be unreal!!

So here are some similarities between this round and first round 2012, and dissimilarities between this round and the other two rounds I completed last year:

I am excited and nervous

I am making a presence on the forums and getting the support I need

I have upped the ante on this blog and my posting

I am committing to eating the nutritional plan

I am committing to the exercise

I will complete the challenges set before me

I will set mini milestone challenges to complete

And the biggest one of all….. I will not give up!!

Already I’ve met some awesome people through the forums. I am already re-connecting with my real life friends.

Anyone who is negative, ie tells me I can’t or that it’s a waste of money can go to hell! I don’t need you in my life because you’re sucking out my energy whilst I try to quieten your whinging. I only need to be surrounded by those who support me and give a damn. I’ve spent far too long pleasing everyone else. I’m over it. I don’t care anymore. I’m an adult. Deal with it.

Yep, you heard me:

My first ever 12wbt Finale



I will wear these swimmers in Fiji



Me, this year.



I am successful



Nine letters - _a_p_n_ss

Happiness.

What is it?

What defines being happy?

Is it a place, is it a person?

Is it a combination?

What makes someone happy?

Happiness is on the agenda today after a conversation with a good friend of mine via email this morning. I was given some very spot on advice:

“You need to rediscover what really makes you happy, and then do it!! When you’re happy, the rest will start falling into place”

My initial response was: “What makes me happy? How do I figure that out?”

My friend advised it has to be pure happiness, not happiness that is dependent on others or on things I can’t control. Focus on what you can.

This set my mind off in a flurry. I’d had happy moments over the last few years, but could I honestly say that I knew how to make myself happy? How to find my true self’s happiness?

I had no idea where to start. You may as well have removed my mouth and then asked me to speak. I didn’t even know where to begin. Now, some seven or so hours later, I wasn’t much clearer. Have I focussed so much on other things that I don’t even know what makes me, me?

I love gardening. I believe gardening makes me happy but I seldom get a chance to play in the dirt. Between two jobs and fitting in exercise and everything else it just doesn’t get priority.

 

Reading. I can get lost in books for hours, days almost – I can’t remember the last book I read. Once again, I just don’t have the time.

I love to cook and to bake, and I rarely spend a lot of time on that either.

Have become so muddled up in my physical goals that I’m ignoring my soul and what makes me happy? I’m sure there must be other things that make me happy that I just haven’t considered.

I’ve been told many times that I have it easy. You have no kids nor husband, your life is easy and you must have so much time to do exactly what you want. Are you serious? Yes, I’m not married, I don’t have children, but that doesn’t automatically mean I’m given more time. I think I’ve mentioned recently that we all get the same amount of time, it’s how we manage it that makes a difference.

Before I step off the trodden track, let’s get back to happiness.

How do you fit your ‘happy activities’ that are just for you and make you who you are? How do you define these activities? Do you put them on the backburner and seldom get back to them? Are you able to list, right now, at least ten things that make you happy and at peace with yourself and that aren’t dependant on others? It’s not as easy as you think…

I…….um….have to break up with you…

This isn’t easy for me to say… or type. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. I didn’t plan for things to go this way, but now you’ve left me with no choice. I have to do this. It’s the best thing for me. I am the most important person to me right now and I have to do what’s best for me. It’s over. I can’t handle a casual relationship. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl and I can’t give you my all. I need you out of my house. I see too much of you.

 

There. It’s been done. It’s been said. I just broke up with my scales.

My scales and I have had a turbulent relationship since inception. We’ve had good times and we’ve had bad times. Like any relationship, it needs to be honest and at the moment, all I’m getting is mind games.

On Saturday morning, I dutifully got up, stepped on the scales (as I do every single morning just about) and looked down with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. It had been ten days since my last weigh in. I had eaten clean and worked out; I was bound to see results.

No change. No gain. No loss. I was heartbroken. What’s the point if nothing changes?

So I sat down to my first of three breakfasts. The first was my standard protein porridge and banana – nothing wrong with that. Breakfast number 2 was a smoothie – hmmm okay, so you don’t need two breakfasts but it was nearly snack time, so I justified it. Breakfast number three was the tastiest – multigrain toast with rosella jam. Now I’m not going to confess to exactly how many, but let’s say it was more than a few. I also managed to eat a whole frozen pizza (you’d think that when I was struggling to finish the last 4 slices I’d stop, but nope, I finished it all) as well as a bag of bullets, strawberry licorice, and whatever else I could get my hands on. Then I started realising what I’d done, so down the Metamucil tablets, there was only a few left, so I mixed up a drink too, figured it would flush me out.

Repeat again for Sunday except I was at work. Not a healthy weekend and it all started from a one minute activity on Saturday morning. I justified my gross behaviour on what the scales said.

This morning I sheepishly told my bootcamp coach and she told me in no uncertain terms that the scales had to go. So did my backup scales. I guess they’re going for a holiday down to Gladstone for a while. I’m only allowed to go by the weigh ins that she is conducting for me at the moment so I don’t fall into the self sabotage trap. I still haven’t quite worked out how this will work with 12wbt but where there’s a will, there’s a way. I must say I’m getting nervous about letting them go. I’ve weighed myself frequently since moving out of home so I’m a bit anxious about it all. I’ll have to keep you all posted with it

xx

That Moment

This morning was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but when I woke up I knew I wasn’t the same. I could feel it, sense it….

Let’s rewind and do a quick run through of the lead up.

Last night I went to Chicks at (should be the at symbol but apparently the blog won't post with it in here) the Flicks – for those of you who don’t know, this event occurs once a month at your local Birch cinemas. It’s generally an early release of a movie, it’s aimed at girls with stalls and pre-show activities and you get a goodies bag. It’s my once a month social outing and I love it. For the last few months (or more) I’ve been in a really strange headspace. In fact, part of me thinks I’m still there. It’s where I’m constantly struggling against the inner me, arguing, throwing verbal and negative abuse at myself. Deep down I know this isn’t right but for some reason I keep doing it. Terms like fatty, idiot, numpty and so forth are regularly in my vocabulary in my vocal and non-vocal conversations with myself. Even though I do it, I still get very offended if someone else calls me a fatty. It’s not that I don’t have fat, because I do, it’s the fact that when you’re carrying extra weight to the tune of 25kg, then you are well and truly aware of it, you don’t need to be reminded or told. Anyway, before I go off on too much of a tangent, last night a comment was made that cut to the core, I won’t go in to too much detail but basically I had entered a competition and it was implied that if I won it, I’d have to use it to buy someone else stuff as it wouldn’t fit me. The thing about judging people is that you don’t know the journey they’re on. You don’t know where they’ve come from. I’m pretty certain this skinny lass all dolled up in exercise gear (and makeup?!) would have had no idea of the weight I’d already discarded, removed from my body – she would have no idea, so what gave her the reason to judge? Nothing. She probably didn’t even realise she’d done it. The damage was done. I was horrified and so embarrassed. One would think that at this point, I’d just pack up and go home, but nope, I’d paid money for my tickets so I stayed. I stayed and watched an absolutely awesome movie whilst eating through large popcorn and slurping my way through a large frozen coke. As popcorn kernels fell down my top it reminded me of Michelle (Bridges) once saying that if you were going to eat garlic bread, don’t bother chewing, just wipe it all over your butt cause that’s where it’ll end up.

This moment made my mind up.

I was going to do it.

I was going back.

After 1 successful and 2 not so successful rounds last year, I’m heading back to 12wbt land!

With that decision firmly made in my mind, I slept better last night, not sure why, but it was like a relief the decision had been made. This morning I woke up after just 7 hours of sleep and I felt the freshest I have in a long time. I felt at peace to some extent. The morning flowed without concern and still, now as I sit here typing away at the keyboard, nothing is really bothering me.

The biggest challenge I’ve got today is to work out what my new username will be. I’m feeling that ShinyNewCamilla is somewhat dated. I want something different and something that really clicks with me. I’ve officially signed up and I’ve placed my first forum post. It’s all a little bit exciting and I can’t wait to start my preseason tasks. I’ve got roughly a week and a half till the round starts and I feel I’m in a pretty good place right now to make this work. I do bootcamp for 45mins three times a week, I am looking at adding gym classes and a running coach to that, maybe even a pt session. The possibilities are endless. I’ve done some rough calculations and this should see finale at the end of July, which means I’ll be back from Fiji and hopefully able to make that too! Yep, as you can tell by my rambling, I’m more than a little excited. 12wbt isn’t just about losing weight, it’s a lifestyle change, it’s healthy eating, it’s moving your body, loving your body, enjoying life and creating everlasting friendships and circles of support that will see you through for the rest of your life. So with all that blurted out, I’ll leave you now in peace till next week. Enjoy your weekend and if you can think of a sassy username, drop a comment below and I’ll check it out. I’ve posted the same question to a few fb groups so I can’t wait to see what comes out of it.

Take care and keep moving this weekend. Hang on a minute. Today isn’t Friday. Oops – overexcited again. I’ll chat to you all tomorrow!!

Life is a Balancing Act

Blink. Blink. Blink. The cursor blinks steadily, almost taunting me as I sit here staring blankly at it, almost on the verge of a breakdown. I work hard. I work two jobs, and on most weeks that equates to roughly 60 hours , that’s on top of bootcamp (another 2 ¼ hours per week)…. Hmmm let’s set this out so it’s easier to read….

 

  

I get the same amount of hours as everyone else. I try to squeeze as much in as possible. The above table indicates a standard week. It doesn’t take into account my monthly plasma donations that take nearly 2-2.5 hours including travel depending on how busy the bloodbank is. This doesn’t take into account other appointments like chiro, doctor and so forth that I also do on a regular basis. The more I look at it, the more I see that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Perhaps this is why I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. My ‘spare time’ isn’t spread nicely and evenly over all days, generally the majority of it falls on a Saturday and has to be squeezed in between waiting for the washing machine to finish or waiting for something to cook.

I’m a big fan of packing my life full as I am fully aware that I will only get one go at it. I want to maximise everything and to do that I need to find a way to make more time. I need to start simplifying my processes to ensure this all works smoothly and easily and so that I can actually enjoy my spare time. At the moment, the limited spare time I have I spend feeling flustered and overwhelmed. My nutrition is suffering, my sleep is suffering and I am sure this is part of what’s holding me back in my weight loss journey.

I haven’t prioritised any time for my friends because I simply don’t have it – that needs to change. I have friends that have been left on the outer for too long. I need to make amends.

Life is a balancing act – there is no question about it. You need to balance life, work and relationships to ensure you live a happy and fulfilled life. At the moment I’m not balancing so well. I don’t really know where to start so I’m blurting it all out on paper here hoping, praying that somebody out there may have a trick to fix it all.

Dealing with IT

I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t written to you in a while. I’m feeling guilty that I’m not communicating as well as I used to. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I want to communicate. Making phone calls, writing blog entries, even updating a facebook status has become a chore. It’s not that the people are hard to deal with, although I am cutting down contact consciously with those who are negative as I simply don’t have the strength within to deal with that right now.

I’m living each day as it comes at me. Thinking long term or setting up plans make me nervous and anxious and then I start struggling with the little stuff.

I never used to struggle with the little stuff. I was quite apt at looking at a situation and not being so bothered by things I couldn’t change. When did I start caring so much? Why did I start caring about the unimportant little stuff?

I still don’t know. I still don’t really feel like I’m in control. It’s like being on a theme park ride that I never bought a ticket for. I’m partly nervous, anxious, nauseous and I’m not really sure what’s to come or how to prepare for it. Hell, I don’t even know how to deal with what I’m going through.

I am starting to find ‘mini escapes’ give me some peace, even in the short term. These can vary from a weekend away, to a trip to the beautician or a shopping spree. Unfortunately these escapes are hitting hard on the finances. It’s like with each day that passes I lose a little more control and I fall a little more.

Consequences. They don’t affect me like they used to. I still suffer consequences, but it is no longer part of my thought pattern when making decisions. As much as I’m coping so far, I wonder how long it will take for my body, my head to heal itself, so that I can break free from this ongoing path of destruction.

In a sense I guess I’m lucky. I haven’t really turned to food this time for comfort. I haven’t turned to drugs. I haven’t turned to alcohol. I turn to nothingness. I envelope myself in technology. I browse social media with random jest, no real interest, just wasting time. I waste time in mind numbing games that have no great bearing on anything, no thought required. This pattern is familiar. This is what I did 3 ½ years ago when I moved to Rockvegas , to hide from life itself. I guess I’m falling back into bad habits.

As I look around this internet world we’ve embedded ourselves into I see that there are a lot of struggles out there at the moment so part of me doesn’t really want to post this and add to the negativity that’s already floating out there.

On a bright note I haven’t gained anymore weight, but unfortunately I haven’t lost any either. I know I need to just do it but ‘just doing it’ is a lot harder than it once was.

Signing out for now – know that even though I’m not posting daily, my thoughts do float back to my blog where I found so much happiness and inspiration and laughter only twelve months ago xo

Overwhelmed

I’m not entirely sure where to start. I haven’t been around on here for a while. In fact I’ve been absent from life itself since the beginning of the year. I’ve neglected good friends, I’ve neglected my journey, I’ve neglected life.

There are those of you who are persistent and have kept bugging me and for that I thank you. Then there are those who I expected to bug me that haven’t. I think an audit of people in my life might be coming up. There are those that I seem to value way more than they value me.

Anyway, this post is going to be long. If you need to duck to the loo, or make a cuppa, now is the time. Hmm, whilst I’m at it, if you’ve been sitting still for a while glued to facebook or twitter or anything else on a screen, stand up, do a few stretches, throw in twenty star jumps and get that system working again.

I’ve planned and re-planned this blog post so many times in my head that I should just be able to let it flow from the tips of my fingers, but I’m hesitant. There’s still something inside me that doesn’t want to post this. Doesn’t want to share. Wants to bottle it up, keep it inside and hide it from everyone.

This post can have repercussions in so many parts of my life. I deal with a lot of narrow minded people on a regular basis who would rather just make assumptions than find out the truth.  It’s always easier to jump to a conclusion rather than asking the question but we all know the right way to approach things.

In early January I was diagnosed with mild depression. The Black Dog. The blues.

I’m normally an optimist. A glass half full girl. I’m the sort of person you can count on to brighten up your day and to make you smile. I love smiling. I love being happy – it’s contagious! This version of me seemed a distant dream and I was now living a nightmare.

I struggled to pull myself out of bed. Work has always been a passion of mine and suddenly I just didn’t care. My weightloss which was important to me, and more importantly, I was doing so well at just didn’t matter. I’d lost my will to care. My bones ached, I was fatigued and tired. I was turning up late to work, I was that exhausted that by 10am I’d be falling asleep. This was a vicious cycle. I didn’t realise at this point that I had depression. I thought I’d just lost my mojo. With the depression came weight gain. The only time I felt okay was when I ate. First I put on a kilo, then another. Now I’m 10 kg heavier than I was at my lightest. This morning I weighed in at 107kg. Still a far cry from my heaviest, but it’s not pretty.  As I’ve gotten rid of my fat clothes, I’m feeling more disgusted in myself than I ever have before. I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I know this isn’t me. Upon advice from someone very important in my life, I sought help from my GP and I now see someone every couple of weeks to talk things through. To unfold my life and work out what is going on; to set strategies to stop me from eating my emotions and my feelings. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never been so lost. I’m not on medication, this is just being managed through my sessions. Although I’m at the very beginning of this journey, I am excited at the prospect of being myself again, being able to continue on my journey of self-discovery. Depression is an illness. You can’t catch it – it’s not contagious. It doesn’t make me any less of person or any less capable. It doesn’t mean you have to avoid me. It doesn’t mean that you have the right to treat me differently. This is just part of me and I’m dealing with it.

Two weeks on from my diagnosis and my bones are still aching, I’m still feeling fatigued. I visit my GP once again, terrified that she’ll think I’m a hypochondriac or something. At this point I believe I’m a walking disaster.

I go for blood tests to rule out everything serious and to my surprise they all come back negative. My GP advises me that based on my previous diagnosis, these symptoms could be psychosomatic.

psy·cho·so·mat·ic (s k -s -m t k) adj. 1. Of or relating to a disorder having physical symptoms but originating from mental or emotional causes. 2. Relating to or concerned with the influence of the mind on the body, especially with respect to disease.

The American Heritage® Medical Dictionary Copyright © 2007, 2004 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Basically, I understand this to mean that I am suffering from symptoms that aren’t really caused by anything other than what’s in my head. Quite a scary theory, but not something I was willing to subscribe to without researching further. As this was going on, my back was getting worse and I was struggling to sit or stand for any greater lengths of time.

Following another suggestion from a very wise person, I decide to go down the avenue of seeing a Chiropractor. I was not prepared for the can of worms this would open up. Apparently all of my symptoms can be caused by misalignment of the spine – who would have thought, hey? Certainly not me. I’d avoided chiropractors all my life due to some notion someone had once put in my head that they break your back and you’ll never be the same. Well after my first visit, I don’t ever want to be the same. The relief my chiropractor was able to provide in just one session was amazing.

The Chiropractor requested I get some spinal xrays done so that he could know exactly what he was working with so I got these done as a priority. My xrays revealed a lot more than I bargained for. My pelvis is twisted, I also suffer from scoliosis (a curvature of the spine) and my neck was starting to curve in the wrong direction. Hello pain! This could be the cause of all the pain and aches I’ve been feeling. I was assured that I wasn’t born with it (and no, it’s not Maybelline), and there is belief that some of this may have stemmed from a car accident when I was 17, the stress of working multiple jobs and everything else without really taking any care of my back. In my first week I had three chiro sessions and each one made me feel so much better than before. I’ve been told that I’ll start to get ‘longer lengths’ of relief from each session and that in time I will only need one adjustment every couple of weeks to a month. Had I realised sooner how much was wrong with my back, I most certainly would have taken the time to take better care of it.

So in 8 weeks, I’ve had a lot of things to deal with; to get my head around and get used to. My fluctuating weight didn’t help either. I need to make it more of a priority.

So this just about catches everyone up to where I’m at today.

Overwhelmed.

Today I struggle to sit or stand for longer periods of time. Pain is now part of my normal day, every day. I am now getting better at getting up in the morning which is setting a better tone for my day and it is helping me improve. I have started to put plans in place to manage my illness and injuries better. I can’t wait till I have a day without back pain. If I can work out how to scan my xrays so you can see them I would – it certainly makes for an interesting topic of conversation.

So where to from here? I know what my obstacles are, I know I can get around them. I’ve decided to focus on short term goals. Month by month to get me back on track. So today I start my new challenge – my Easter 5 Challenge. My goal is to lose 5kg by Easter. This will make me a little more comfortable with myself and I can then set myself a new task. So who’s with me? I’ll be counting calories in MyFitnessPal again, but what other tips can you give me? Do you live with depression or scolisos or have you experienced a twisted pelvis? How do you go about your exercise?