Faith, Belief and .... Cheese?

Today I've felt the need to write but I've been at loss as to what to write about.
I asked a dear friend what they may recommend and I was advised: faith, belief …. Or cheese.
I love cheese. My all time favourite is Jarlsberg and I could sit and eat nothing else. In fact, it's one of those items that I have so little control over that I only ever buy it by the slice from the deli as a treat. As much as I'm a food addict with a weight problem, an entire post on cheese may not be the message I want to get across. Instead I'm going to focus on the power of faith and on the power of belief.
I believe in many things. I believe in Karma. I believe in early mornings and early nights. I believe that whatever you put out to the universe, you get returned. I believe that you treat others the way you'd like to be treated. I used to only believe in parts of myself - never my whole self.
I always believed that I could do my job or any job I applied for. If I set a materialistic goal, I believed I could reach it and normally did. Nothing seemed to hard or too far out of reach. Yes, I had to work hard but it was all achievable.
I have faith. I put my faith in God. I put my faith in the universe. I have faith that when I commit to something with my whole self, my body, my mind and my soul that I will achieve. So even with this faith, why did I also have doubt?
I found it easy to have faith in beliefs that were greater than myself. Up until recently I have only ever felt that I could control parts of my life that didn't include my health/body/esteem. I'm not sure where that came from, or how it never changed, but for the most part of my life that's how I've been. I've had comments mentioned to me that I am so confident in my work life and my volunteer work, why doesn't that transfer onto myself?
Quite honestly? I don't know. I have no idea.
When I used to look in the mirror I saw this great big lump of lard with way too much gum showing through the smile and a forehead that continued forever. I used to be disgusted at the very sight. I went to extremes to avoid my reflection, covering up mirrors etc in the places I lived to minimise the feelings that always followed.
For the second round this year, I focussed greatly on letting my mind catch up to where my body was at on my journey. I think they're not too far apart now and I know when I look in the mirror I see someone who closely resembles me. I don't see the disgusting image I'd seen for so long. It's almost a bit of a relief for the first microsecond when I look and realise that I'm not a lump anymore.
I still pick faults with my image and there are still many changes to complete on my forever changing 'to do' list.
One key for me to have come so far was a session I had with Emazon earlier in the year - at the end of round 1 to be exact. Now you might be wondering why this is surfacing again? Well Emazon is rumoured to be visiting Rockhampton in December. This is an event that I can't afford to miss. Please go and check out her website to see what you're missing out on - if you ever get the chance to go see her - DO IT! I command you - order you even!
Since I have learnt to become friends with myself again and tolerate my imperfections, I have been able to establish belief in myself again. I now believe that anything in my life is possible. I am no longer restricted to my own preconceived and warped ideas. I have faith in my own strength, faith in this journey I'm on and faith that I am doing the right thing.
If I had to write a recipe to a successful life, then two key ingredients would definitely have to be belief and faith. If you don't believe in yourself and you don't have faith in your own actions and your own self, then how can you honestly and fully open up and love others and let them love you?
It's a harsh statement, but although our family loves us unconditionally, when you are in a moment of self-loate and self-disgust, do you really feel it? Is it something that crops to mind? I know it never did for me. I had friends tell me they loved me for who I am - I didn't believe them. I mean, how could they? I knew what I was like and I didn't like it so how could they? Thoughts like these were like needles in a voodoo doll, their sharp pain forever reminding me without seeing the physical damage that was left.
I am so glad to have moved beyond this. I wish there was a magic pill that I could give you to skip this phase but in hindsight I think it's what will make your soul stronger and able to help others dealing with such pain. It was necessary for me to go through this pain, to feel the hurt and see the damage - this is what's made me stronger now. It's what's given me the courage to post some of the posts that you read here on my blog.
This is all raw honesty. I don't fluff things up. I'm not hiding things. I call a spade a spade. There's no point in beating around the bush. Obesity is a problem that's strangling our nation. We need to take a hold, we need to join together with our belief and our faith so that we (and our children - and children's children (I've always wanted to say that!!)) can live long, happy and healthy lives.

Breaking Records and Smashing Barriers

I woke up with mixed feelings. Anticipation, excitement and a lot of nerves. Today was the day. So much was happening. Since I'd received the email on Wednesday to say I was a Top 20 Finalist, my life hadn't been the same. On top of that we had group workout and my session with Emazon.
I was so disorganised. I hadn't organised breakfast, snacks or anything else for that matter. I'm not normally this disorganised, but it happens and I knew I'd survive. Our inspirational team member Cathy had offered to cook me some eggs as I'd been to lazy to organise anything so I headed off to her room where I was met with other smiling, slightly nervous faces. I'd never had scrambled eggs made on water before, but I'm now a fan. Great way to cut out calories and I always love eggs so there's my first lesson of the day learnt.
With the volunteers setting off early, that left Bella and I. After a quick trip to the ATM to replenish my cash, we decided we'd walk to the workout. I mean we're part of a weigh loss and fitness program, seems a bit weird to cab it there when it's less than 5km away. In hindsight, I wish we'd cabbed it. The weather was cold and wet and by the time we go to workout my feet were like blocks of ice and I couldn't feel my fingers. It had been a nice walk, but would have been a lot better if the weather was nicer.

I'm glad I've met people that are similar to myself - as soon as we got to the group workout and registered, we both looked at each other "Coffee!!" and headed straight away over to get a coffee to warm us up. We spent a few minutes catching up with the sponsors and I've learnt that my skin needs more lipids - if anyone knows what this means, please comment or send me a message, even better if you know how my skin can get more lipids.
I managed to catch up with a lot of people from the 30+ Crew and also from the 30 Somethings Group - all round it was great!!

We smashed a Guiness Book of World Records Record by having 1165 participants in a circuit workout. Funnily enough, the previous record only had three hundred something participants. Nothing like doing pushups on wet, muddy grass in freezing cold weather - we all just JFDI! I managed to smash over 500 calories in the 55 minute workout and I was stoked with my burn as my effort had been somewhat "lacking".
Straight after workout was my next big challenge. My one on one session with Emazon. I wasn't quite sure what to expect or how it was going to work. All I knew was that I was freezing cold and wanted to be warm again. Emazon stands much taller than I expected and when we sat down to have a chat, I felt completely at ease. Within minutes I was blurting out anything and everything that I thought might help. Without going into too much detail, Emazon took all the pieces of my puzzle and put them in a bit of an order and gave me an idea as to where I was heading. I've seen numerous counsellors and so forth and for the first time ever I felt like the hour spent analysing and discussing my life wasn't a waste of time. I walked out of my session feeling tired but very hopeful and excited about the next leg in this journey of mine. I now know a little bit about what to expect from the mindset side and I already know what I can do from the physical side. It was like being given a map to follow for the rest of my journey. I now hold all the pieces to the map to enable my journey to continue. I have also decided that I need to do the workshops that Emazon facilitates. I want to take this to the next level. My goals and my life are changing so fast with everything I'm learning but I'm loving it.
I'm learning to see the people in my life differently, I have "hurdle friends" and "crutch friends" - you know the ones: the ones that only call on you when the chips are down and they need a hand. They're also the ones that can never be found when you call on that favour to be returned. After this weekend I've noticed that I seem to have a few of these, I've also learn to see that I've got a whole heap of friends that I can rely on that I haven't been a good friend back to - that's going to change! Last of all, I've also met a lovely group of people in person after chatting to them online and I believe these friends will be with me for life. It's uncanny how you can chat to someone on fb as part of a support group to then meet in person and have even more in common and click so much.
I've never been an emotional person but after sitting back and reflecting on the weekend last night, tears of joy flowed freely. I've never been so happy in my life as I am right now. I'm living my life in the now and I'm enjoying it. Who would have thought that an online body transformation program could transform my life the way it has. I don't regret a cent I've spent on this program and not a minute that I've spent following and researching it. The program and my newfound friends have helped me re-discover and re-friend myself. I'm back in control of my life and it's better than ever. I can't wait to start this next chapter!!

Where's My Head Again...??

I've been very quiet on the blog front. Not many posts at all of late.
No, I haven't disappeared and on the other extreme, I haven't been so committed that I've forgotten.
I've simply fallen into a trap.
I'm lost and alone and I struggle to see the light.
One might wonder how I can be lost when I'm sitting at home in my study tapping impatiently at the keys on my keyboard? Or one might wonder how I can be alone - I have over 400 facebook "friends" and I chat to a lot of them regularly. Struggle to see what light? What on earth does she mean? Obviously she's fallen off the wagon and had too much too drink....
On the contrare.
I'm still here. I'm still counting every calorie that passes my lips and I'm doing my utmost to increase incidental exercise and I'm still smashing out regular workouts.
So what happened? What's changed?
I've had a fantastic first round with results that I still can't get my head around. When I look in the mirror, I still see the first original photo I posted. I still can't see changes in the mirror, but I can in the photo I posted.
When I first started this journey, I was warned that it would be 4-8 weeks before I would notice any change and 12-16 weeks before others would. Well others are starting to comment and I still can't see it! My clothes have gone down in size and I now fit things I never thought I would again but still my brain just doesn't get it.
I'm not dumb. I got good grades at school, I have a really good job, I've got common sense. So why doesn't my brain get it? Why does it feel like I'm no longer connected to my body?
For this last week I've been feeling....ummm....different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first but after a lot of thinking and a lot of time on google, I worked it out. I feel disjointed. I feel almost like my body doesn't belong.
I've lost a lot of weight, a lot of cm and my whole shape is changing. I have more energy and I feel more alive than I ever have. It just doesn't feel like it's my body.
It feels almost like it's on lend and I'm waiting for someone to ask for it back.
The reason I feel alone is because I'm not sure if others have felt like this. I can't comprehend that people who have never experienced massive weight problems would even have a clue what I'm talking about. Those with weight problems, I don't know their journeys.
This has played with my mind on and off since the end of the round. Damned idle time!! When I'm kept busy, I don't have time to stop and analyse what's happening.
This feeling of lonliness and isolation has gotten to me. I'm feeling depression-like feelings. I'm not depressed, I know that, I'm just going through a change period.
In my resume I always write that I'm "easily adaptable to change" - am I really? Or does that just apply to work?
This week I've had more questions than answers. I've been bursting with questions but I haven't really been sure where to ask them. I should have asked here all along but I worried what others would think of me. In fact I worried about it so much that I tried to keep this to myself and it was consuming me.
Then I realised that if I was thinking this and feeling this, then maybe others are too. Maybe this despair isn't a unique feeling that only I have felt. Maybe there are others who have been through this and come out the other side.
I know now there is and I know I'm not alone.
Through this dark patch, I had an unlikely friend notice my change and reach out to me. I say 'unlikely' not because I don't value their friendship, because I do, but 'unlikely' because I never thought I'd build such trust with someone I'd only ever spoken to online. You know who you are Crossfit Superstar!! This friend has reached out to me daily to ensure that I'm okay, to encourage me to speak so that I can get through this.
Hell I'm a strong independant woman who shows no weakness - it took a lot for me to open up and even as I sit here tapping these words out of my fingertips I feel nervous.
So what am I doing about where I'm at in my journey??
I book a session with  Emazon - click on the link if you're clueless as to who this is. Emazon is the master of mindset lessons and has been seen on Channel 10s The Biggest Loser. Next weekend I have 60 minutes with her to sort out my mindset. Help the brain catch up to the body.
Although I haven't sorted all my concerns/issues out - I'm now okay with that because I have a plan. I don't plan on just plodding along and doing nothing. I'm going to challenge my problems straight up and smash them down. I've been playing victim too long when it comes to myself. In the rest of my life I apply the rules of karma and I do my very best to not be a victim but this time the mentality slipped through without me noticing.
I'm not a victim. I own my journey. This journey is my choice and how it ends is up to me.
Even just saying the above line makes me feel empowered. The words are now flowing easier, so obviously it also helps to get things off your chest.
If you're currently on a weightloss journey and you're feeling like this and you want to vent to someone or you want support, then add me on twitter or like my facebook journey page and message me. This is not an easy journey but it is so worth it.
Unless you've walked in these shoes, don't judge me, you don't have that right.
I think I've got a recipe or two that I owe you so I'll pop those up tomorrow.

Vicious Circles

So I thought I was over my little binge episode after I went for my run yesterday. Today I committed to smashing a PB for calorie burn.
I'm not doing so bad so far, but I'm not going to beat my PB of 1869 today.
I've managed to clock up 973 and I still have a session left in me.
At this point, everything looks great.
Then I stop and look at what I've consumed today.
Now it's not crap that I've eaten, but still calories. After doing these workouts, I'm starving!! I've consumed 2056 calories for the day which means I still have 117 left for dinner to "stay within my 1200 boundary". Now I know that's not the way it's supposed to work.
What's making me this hungry? I've had bigger days with less food. Is it a combination of TTOTM as well as dealing with emotions? I want to be committed but I feel like I'm fighting myself.
I've had a few emotional confrontations today, so I've done a bit of soul searching and learning about myself. Surely I don't need food for that.
So I've decided to sign up and do a session with Emazon.
Check out what it's all about here: Emazon Central
No sooner than I'd decided to go did I realise that it's also the same weekend at Carmen's. Thanks to some thinking outside the square, I can still attend. I can do a one-on-one session (which I desperately need) as well as Syn1 Workshop and I'll just have to do the second one another time. If I only do the two, I just need to fly down for the day. Now the impossible has become possible.
As I won't require a full weekend off work, I can now look at applying for the weekend of the Rocky River Run off. There's a Meditation Workshop in town on the Saturday that I would love to attend and ofcourse the run on the Sunday.
Well it looks like this little butterfly is starting to build a social calendar.
Anyway, the clock has just hit 4pm so it's time to smash some more calories so I can have dinner :) If anyone has any suggestions on why my hunger is that of tyrannasaurus - please enlighten me - Thanks